Fun With Fibrillation

I woke up Friday morning with an irregular heartbeat and after spending what was basically a full workday’s length of time in the ER the other night (which sadly was better than spending it in my office), I still have one. I wasn’t too happy about it until I realized how much fun it added to work yesterday, especially since you can hear my heart beating because my artificial valve makes a ticking sound.

As the morning went on, I began to feel more Fibrillilly (my term only, not a sanctioned medical term…yet). When I got to work, I poured myself a cup of coffee, which proved very quickly to be a mistake. Well, that’s what I thought at first. My heart began to race and beat in every rhythm imaginable. For a while, it was actually providing the beat to ‘Viva Las Vegas,’ which I thought was pretty cool. When I was ready to hear a different song, I poured a second cup. Unfortunately, I didn’t recognize the tune. A coworker pointed out that it was distantly reminiscent of ‘Live and Let Die.’

I was able to use the fact that my valve ticks to enlighten those that I work with about a-fib, without telling a fib (I’ve been working on that line for three days, sorry). I asked everyone if they had ever heard an irregular heartbeat before and most of them had not (well, all of them except Female Coworker because she always has to be different). Sure it was a little awkward every time someone walked up and saw one of my male or even female coworkers with their head against my chest as they listened and sure it was strange asking someone I work with to put their head against my chest (perhaps because I was singing it). It was all worth it though when I could see the surprise on their faces as they heard my heart tick away to ‘Sympathy For The Devil’ or whatever beat happened to be uh, beating. I just it explained to people not in our department that we are a very close team. The looks they gave me lead me to believe they didn’t buy it.

The fibrillation also has benefits that I didn’t anticipate. If I was running a little behind on getting something completed, I could just say that my heart was causing me to take a little longer. I’ll admit that it’s a lame excuse, but sometimes you’ve just got to go with the horse that got you there and for yesterday at least, it worked. By my count, I am already up to three different days with follow up doctor’s appointments, which will keep me out of the office for a few extra hours. It’s odd, my coworkers have told me that they find themselves more efficient when I am out of the office. I’m puzzled as to why. Oh, remind me to tell you about how I kept calling the cell phone of a coworker while he was in the office yesterday after Female Coworker told me she didn’t like his ringtone. Now where was I? That’s right, I was pondering why my coworkers feel they can get more done when I am not around. What’s up with that? They’re the ones always asking me for help. Maybe I could be more efficient without them.

The only downside at work yesterday was when it began to get really hot and stuffy in the office after we got back from lunch. I had to go around to everyone’s cubicle to see if they felt hot or if it was just something I was feeling because of the irregular heartbeat (although looking back, I guess just asking one person would have sufficed). It turns out it wasn’t me, even though I had to discover this by asking the office manager to check the thermostat. Apparently, my coworkers thought it would be fun, despite their perspiring, to tell me that they were actually a little chilly so the air must be working and it was only me. It got a little rough later in the afternoon when my heart rate really started climbing. I didn’t feel too good and Female Coworker felt that my color had changed. I asked if it changed like a Gecko might change it’s color to match their surroundings and she just stormed off. I’m not very fashion conscious, but I would hate to be the vomitty-like color of my cubicle walls. I do however find it comforting to know that if something had happened to me I could count on the people I spend more time with than my family. Yes, I’m being sarcastic, very, very sarcastic.

The fibrillation fun continued when I got home. Every time I stood up or bent over it was like my own little amusement park ride. The sensation of lightheadedness is really quite underrated. Everything turns to white and you feel like you’re spinning a little. I would pay for the thrill, really I would. I wouldn’t pay much, but I’d be willing to pay something. I think people also under appreciate how much fun it is to say the word lightheadedness. It’s also fun to type because it just doesn’t feel like you’re ever spelling it correctly.

Perhaps the best benefit of all came when it was time to tell Lucy and Ethel that they had watched enough TV for the evening (like that’s possible…it’s obviously not a rule I came up with). After defining the word evening for them, I told them they could listen to my chest if they wanted. They thoroughly enjoyed the experience, especially when I told them I accidentally inhaled a cricket at work. After explaining the word cricket to them, we sat and reproduced the rhythm with our hands. Little kids sure are easy to entertain. Everyone says that they see where the twins get their child-like sense of wonder. I’m trying not to be offended by that, but I wish everyone would stop laughing when they say it.

So there you have it, even though it can be very uncomfortable, raise the risk of stroke and make my morning walks or runs feel like a game of Russian Roulette, you can have fun with fibrillation. Although my doctors don’t want to do it to me again, there is a way to correct it. I’d tell you about it, but it’s just shocking. Seriously, it’s just shocking. That’s all it is…shocking.

Disclaimer: No blogger was injured in the preparation of this post. But he did get to leave work a little early.