This Is Getting Old

There must be something special in Japan’s drinking water. A 111-year-old man in Japan officially became the World’s Oldest Man recently. Wow, I bet that’s something to brag about at the local bar, which I’m sure only serves him water or tea. The country also has the World’s Oldest Woman, who is 114. See, women do live longer. Now we have official proof to answer that age-old argument. I say let’s put the two of them together. If they bicker anything like my grandparents (who are in their mid-80s), they could sell tickets to the ensuing spectacle. It seems the older they get the more contempt they have for each other and the less they hold back. I should feel bad, but I think it’s cute. Seriously, do people really need to blame each other for a room being too cold or too hot or how much a pound of beef was at the super market or even in what city my mother was born? It makes Archie and Edith from ‘All in the Family’ look like newlywed lovebirds by comparison. If they ever were nice to each other, we would fear that they were suffering from terrible illness.

The best part of the AFP news story was when the World’s Oldest Man (we’ll call him Relic) cracked a joke about having lived too long. He might have said he was joking, but I wonder if it was one of those nervous jokes that people make when they really need help. He attributes his longevity to eating mostly vegetables and very few greasy meals.

Well, that does it for me. If that is what it takes to have a long life, punch my ‘timecard of life’ at age 40 or so. I try to avoid vegetables at all costs, like bribing people with $10s and $20s to eat mine. It’s made me poorer, but it doesn’t leave the ‘vegetably’ taste in my mouth. I could not imagine trying to limit my meals of greasy, gooey goodness. After all, the reason I exercise is to be able to continue eating those things. We all need French Fries, we all need onion rings and pizza is often a nice treat (and by ‘all’ of course, I mean me). Also, my addiction to melted cheese has been well documented here. I feel sorry for Relic. Can you imagine the guy passing on a nice meal while saying something like, ‘no thanks, I’m trying to make it to 115’ while everyone else at the table rolls their eyes. I wonder if living with someone that old is like constantly waiting for the other shoe (or him) to drop.

I don’t believe in taxing our healthcare system, but didn’t they invent bypasses and angioplasty for a reason? Look at it this way, if your sewage or water pipes are clogged, you call a plumber for their services. I choose to take the same approach with my medical provider. If they have a way to unclog my arteries, why not take advantage of it. I’ve already had an angiogram and while it was uncomfortable and I didn’t appreciate how hard the nurse had to push on the artery in my thigh (I sure feel sorry for her husband) to stop the bleeding afterwards, I could handle it again. I’ve already had heart surgery so I could take another bypass if it allows me to continue eating my favorite foods. Part of enjoying life is enjoying fine food and friends. Well, that and days off. In my opinion, you can only dress up a zucchini or green bean so many ways (such as Clark Gable or Marilyn Monroe…OK, that was horrible. I can hear the groans). However, you can do so much more with cheese and a deep fryer.

Just think of everything that Relic and Lady Relic have witnessed in their 111 and 114 years. I have to admit that it must be neat to see how much the world has changed, and even progressed in that amount of time. Wasn’t it only 50 years ago that people had to watch TV in black and white? Let’s look at some of the things they have seen. Relic and Lady Relic have had a front seat for not one, but two World Wars. They have gotten to see the miracle of the microwave, microwaveable popcorn, cars that have temperature gauges, 3-D movies, Saturday Night Live, The Bee Gees, David Hassellhoff and even riding lawnmowers. Can you imagine what it must have been like while they were growing up to actually have to cook their own meals? There were no McDonalds. Or how about a television with only 4-8 channels. They must get dizzy today having over 300 channels to surf, unless it’s just their blood pressures acting up again. Obviously, they have also been witness to bad things like global warming, fuel shortages and the birth of Paris Hilton, but I’m glossing over those things because I like to stay positive. Unless I’m at work. There’s nothing positive there, except when the clock strikes five. That reminds me, does anyone else find that the ONLY time they drive slowly is when they are driving into the office, or is it just me? I also have noticed that I play really depressing music while doing so…

Well, congratulations on officially becoming the World’s Oldest Man Mr. Relic. All I can say is better you than me. Although just think of how many bingo games he’s gotten to play. I bet he’s the all-time leader in consecutive rounds played. Sorry, there was just no way I could write 1,000 words about old people and NOT mention bingo, or mobile home parks. Oh wait; I didn’t mention mobile home parks? Well just think of the advancements Relic has seen in mobile home technology. Why, they don’t even call them ‘trailers’ anymore…and they have garages now.

There, that about covers it. I should stop while I’m ahead. I fear this material is getting old. All of a sudden, I’m in the mood for a well ‘aged’ steak…