Top Ten Things I've Done Since Not Using Facebook As Much As I Used To

I recently have tried to use Facebook less.  By less I mean 8 daily posts instead of 15.  By definition that is LESS  :)  But seriously, I have tried to login less.  Although, you could say that I have ended up logging in more because I use to keep FB open all day.  Semantics aside, well I think that is a semantic, actually I'm not sure.  Better check with my Bible because I think Jesus' followers had many battles with the Semantics.  Oops, I have gotten off topic.  These are things I have done since being off of Facebook...

10.  Realized my daughters have almost become 10 years old.  I hope that don't ask for the presents they have been given for the last 4 years!!

9.  Realized my 'baby' girl is almost 3 years old.  I guess that explains why she can talk and walk now...

8.  I found out that my Rapper name is NOT 'E=MC2.'  That was a major blow to my psyche or a blow to my emotions or my funkiness or whatever it is called.

7.  I learned that 'groovy' was not the cool word that it used to be.  Well, that explains at least the last 4 years.  I have no idea why I was using it before then.

6.  Someone told me that Regis isn't on anymore.  That's news I would love to have gotten before now!!

5.  To my wondermint, I found that people don't come up and say 'Like' when you are speaking!  But how then are you supposed to know that people 'like' what you are saying!!

4.  I learned that people don't POKE you in public.  I guess it is seen as being rude...

3.  I learned that I had a stroke and can't drive anymore.  OK, that one is true.  When they said I had a stroke I thought they were saying I had come out with a great idea.  Ya know, a stroke of genius, not a stroke of the brain.

2.  I have realized that Denny's no longer offers their Bacon Sundae.  Perhaps it is because it's Tuesday?  That's ok if you don't laugh, because I didn't either!*

And the #1 Thing I've Done Since Not Using Facebook As Much As I Used To

I have come up with more time to think up my next Facebook status update!!!!

*Actually, I DID laugh at #2.  Well, not going number two, I meant number two on my list...

I Wonder If It’s A Pyramid Scheme?

Pardon the repost, but I had nothing better to say today. Seriously, rhyming say and today was as good as it got. So, I offer you this...

Hot on the heels of me offering to write posts for money (which was a joke, really. Honestly. Come on you can believe me) comes today’s pointless holiday that I am choosing to celebrate. Today is called Laugh and Get Rich Day. Now of course I can’t find anything about it on the Wondernet, so I am left to ASSume what we are supposed to do in honor of today.

As you might expect, I laugh…a lot. As you also might expect, I GET laughed AT a lot, too. The only problem is that all of my laughing has most certainly NOT made me rich and I’m pretty sure it hasn’t helped my coworkers (the biggest offenders of the laughing at me category) either. If they had gotten money for laughing at me, most if not all of them would no longer need to work and would be what people refer to as ‘financially independent.’ (When you read that last phrase, feel free to use air quotes. I did).

Maybe I haven’t made money laughing yet because I haven’t bought into the pyramid aspect of it. You’re familiar with the pyramid, right? No, not the one with all the clues on it and the snappy music and Dick Clark in really outdated blazers (though who doesn’t love that pyramid). I’m speaking of the symbolic pyramid where you get to watch me laugh for money and then start laughing yourself. Of course your initial laughing is not for pay because I get your money at first. But if you can get 3-5 people signed up to laugh at me, then you get a small percentage of my take and on and on. Eventually, I will be like the Darth Vader of laughing for money and you will all be my laughing storm troopers. Or maybe I would be the Emperor of laughing and you would be my Darth Vader and so on and so on. Hang with me; I know there’s a decent Star Wars analogy there. OK, how about this? I’d be the laughing Yoda and you’d all be my laughing Jedi. Yeah, that’s a pretty good one.

One thing is for sure though; if we work the pyramid correctly, I will one day be able to stand on the top of my pyramid (proverbially speaking, of course) and shout ‘I started a joke.’ I have always wanted to be able to yell that, because let’s face it, how often do we really get to reference Bee Gees song titles in our everyday comings and goings (it also gave me a semi-decent excuse to FINALLY use that cool drawing of the Bee Gees that I've kept on my hard drive for over 2 years now). And yes, I do realize that the rest of that lyric states ‘I started a joke that got the whole world crying, but I couldn’t see that the joke was on me.’ I am choosing to ignore that part though, because I am going to start a joke that gets 3-5 people to pay me, followed by another 3-5 people and then the 3-5 they’ll sign up after that. And I know what you are going to say to me when all the laughing money starts rolling in: ‘Michael, you are so rich now that you should be dancing.’ OH MY GOD, did you see that? I was just able to reference TWO Bee Gees songs in one post.

Am I going loopy? I mean I did have quite a fever last night. I guess you could call it a ‘night fever?’ Oh wow, that’s 3 titles now. Ok, I am going to stop before I lose all of my readership over the excessive use of Bee Gee song references. Yes, you could say it’s my way of Stayin’ Alive in blogsville. All right, I’m done now. I swear!

Well, I am off to try and make everyone I know laugh in the hopes of getting my pyramid ‘triangular thing that the Egyptians built with the help of aliens’ started. OK, I'll stop my 'jive talkin.'  HA, THAT’S SIX, BABY!!!!!!

Rabid Girl Scout Fears Mount

Since we are in the Girl Scout Cookie selling season (that IS a season, right??) I though I would bring back this Girl Scout Cookie post from way back when.  I do not think I used English properly there...

Approximately 1,000 Girl Scouts may have been infected with rabies after a visit to a recent camp. The fears began when girl scouts started telling their parents stories about bats living under the eaves of the camp shelter they were staying in. Many of the girls were not using the protective netting around their beds. They have been disciplined and promised not to be so reckless again.

Some of the bats that Virginia officials have captured tested negative for rabies, but the concern lingers. Rabies shots have been strongly recommended for the girls who stayed at Camp Potomac Woods. The camp now plans on adding screens to the doors, windows and sleeping quarters’ eaves to combat the problem. Why they were not added before it became a problem is still a mystery. “It seemed so odd that our windows did not have screens,” said girl scout Susie Q. “I figured it was just cheap air conditioning,” she added.

“At first the bats sleeping in our rooms scared the striped fudge cookies out of us, but then we grew to love them and kind of like adopted them as like our pets,” another Girl Scout said.

With approximately 6 months until the Girl Scout Cookie selling season begins, federal disease officials are concerned. There are growing fears at the Center For Disease Control that having up to 1,000 rabid Girl Scouts going door to door trying to sell cookies could lead to a national rabies outbreak that could not be easily contained. 

“Most citizens would succumb to the threat of a rabid Girl Scout selling cookies and buy them but there could be those stubborn holdouts who refuse,” said an anonymous CDC official. “In a rabid state, these Girl Scouts could then become irritated and violent which would help the rabies spread very quickly. So for the love of God, please buy Girl Scout cookies whether you can afford to or not!”

Girl Scout leaders have rejected the violent cookie selling theory and say they are not worried about packs of rabid Girl Scouts roaming the streets. In fact they are cashing in on the public’s fear and are working feverishly to release new flavors for the upcoming selling season. They hope that Bat Bars and Rabid Rocky Road will be hot sellers.

Hello CIA, I’m Responding To Your Ad

I joked last week (meaning November of 2006 when I originally wrote this because yes, this is a repost.  I noticed that I have not written anything in a month...) about wanting to do a story based on a radio commercial I heard about the fact that the CIA is hiring, but I was too afraid of Big Brother. I mean if my work monitors my blog, there's no telling what the CIA is doing. Well, after reading this AP story about the CIA on Yahoo, I’m ready to. The story is about how the CIA is looking for new employees, which I guess they call 'vacuum sales persons,' though I think that's code for something. The story says that they have shown ads during baseball games, taken out ad space in various magazines and airport billboards as well as during movie trailers and airtime during 'Dancing With The Stars.' Ok, I made that last one up. It even says the CIA has hired an ad agency.

I bet the ad company’s creative folks are having a blast pitching ideas to CIA employees. I can hear it now, 'ok guys, if you don’t think this tagline is good, you’re not going to shoot or torture me, right? Guys, smile, that was just a joke, really. The last thing we want to do for you guys is bomb. Get it, bomb? It's an explosive device and it also means to do something poorly. OK, it was a bad joke. Let's just keep that a secret. You guys are good at keeping secrets. Oh, I'm killing myself. Well, better me than you CIA guys...'

Now I’m glad to know that I wasn’t the only one noticing how weird it is that our government’s intelligence agency is publicly seeking employees. Apparently one of the things the CIA wants to do is wipe away the notion that all CIA work is like the very fictional world of James Bond. I’m sure my stereotypical driveling in the next few paragraphs is the EXACT type of thinking they want to discourage, but I just can’t help it. After all, when you've spent your entire life watching the 25 or so Bond films 30 times each, that works out to about 73 Bond viewings, right? Any way, that's a lot of stereotyping to have to forget.

What a relief though to know that if the CIA were to hire me I wouldn’t have to go out and buy enough tuxedos for every day of the week, especially those 1970s ones with the bow ties the size of a small Volkswagen and bell bottoms that could hide, well, the same small Volkswagen. It would be a little sad in a way to be hired by the CIA and have all of those myths associated with covert work demystified so quickly. And when in the heck did I start using phrases like ' myths associated with covert work demystified?' Sorry about that. Let me try that sentence again. It would be a little sad in a way to be hired by the CIA and get all dissappointy because the job wasn't all James Bondish like I thought it was going to be. Whew, that reads much better! I could see myself sitting in my new cubicle saying to no one in particular, “so this is it, really? Can my ballpoint pen kill anybody? When do I get to meet Q? Did I miss the lady with the caviar cart or does she come by after lunch?” At that point I’m sure I’d be executed…I mean fired. Oops.

Although I know nothing about the workings of our country’s intelligence agency (I swear. I don't even know anything about the workings of the company I work for), I would imagine that working in a cubicle there beats working in a cubicle for anyone else. Let's face it, right off the top the actual cubicle is going to be better because it's probably bullet-proof. My guess is that the two most interesting departments would be HR and the requisitioning department. My mind can only imagine what items would be requisitioned at the CIA. Of course, in reality it’s probably the same type of stuff at any company like pencils, pens, computers, paper, copier toner, post-its that can render someone unconscious and explosive tie clips. Wouldn’t it be great to hear a line like 'did you get that order of magnetic, homing device, self destructing wrist watches filled yet' or 'the submarine, machine gun equipped, flying, invisible HYBRID (because we all should go green) Ferraris will be here next week' just once while at work.

HR might be the easiest department since every personnel file would be marked ‘classified.’ Imagine having to review someone’s file to determine whether administrative leave is necessary after he or she destroyed an entire riverfront Bistro in pursuit of a wanted dangerous international smuggler. More than likely, the day-to-day monotony of a CIA HR person would be filled with healthcare enrollment options, retirement packages and sexual harassment claims filed by older cold war spies who can't stop themselves from hitting on their new, young secretaries by calling them names that have sexual innuendos like Ms. Honey Chest or Florence Tightpants and asking if they’d like to see his Aston Martin (if you catch my drift).

Man, I bet the training films are great to watch. Do you think they save money and just show Bond films or do you think they actually make the training films themselves? Do the training films talk about how important it is to put the poisonous breath mints in a different pocket than your mints or to make sure you check for bugs and wiretaps when you check into a hotel, even if it's a Holiday Inn? Does it cover the importance of leaving your disguises in the office and not forwarding government email to your best friend from high school just because it says ‘for your eyes only’ or ‘this message must be destroyed after receipt?’ My mind tingles at the possibilities.

Do you think the CIA plays other government entities in a governmental softball or bowling league? I bet that all the CIA players show up in Ray-Ban sunglasses and fake beards. I wonder if the other teams just throw the games right from the start because they are afraid of what would happen if they beat the CIA. No matter what the answers to all of these questions are, I think it would be great to join the CIA. I may actually have to apply. Or perhaps I applied several years ago and was hired...Bwahahahaha.


**Author’s Disclaimer: Of course, I do not work for the CIA. Although if I did, I could not tell you. I have no knowledge of espionage or intelligence gathering. I am not even pretending to, as that is probably a crime. Although if I did have knowledge about it, telling you would definitely be a crime. But I’m not, so there…

A (Not -So) New Twist In Writing

I am currently reading Gore Vidal's “Lincoln.” I know you are thinking of two things: 1. There's a lot of words in that novel and 2. There are no pictures in it. I figured I would read something out of my are of expertise. What is my area of expertise and the type of reading I am most comfortable with? Well, a Dr. Seuss book. Lots of pictures and it's short. I find it keeps my short span of attention. Unless I look at the pics for too long...

But enough of the good Dr. This post is kinda about Gore Vidal. I know it doesn't have the same bounce off your tongue style that Dr. Seuss does, but hey Dr. Seuss didn't write “Lincoln...” The one thing about “Lincoln” is that it is semi-made up. It's history with a writer's twist, because Vidal wasn't alive at the time of Lincoln so some leeway is expected. Actually a lot of leeway is expected. I just like using the word “leeway...”

This got me thinking! Which is when you should probably stop reading. A novel with some made up facts; right up my alley. I like history and I also like made-up things. So what about a novel about the American Revolution? I could include facts like: Paul Revere was once a jockey which made his riding around the countryside warning about the British that much more believable. Or did you know that George Washington once had Elvis' great great great grandfather as a general? He had a twitch in his hips when he walked. Ok, so that might not make the final edit...

Or how about made-up characters? They could add spice (and more pages) to the novel. How about introducing a military figure to WWII. Because, you know, there isn't enough military figures in that war already. His name could be...Alistair Maldives. He could be an Australian General. Imagine the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man In The World” on steroids. Except of course Alistair wasn't on steroids. Imagine John Wayne 8 feet tall. But I'm pretty sure you get the point. He was a saucy chap. He would crumble up bullets and use them in salads. Those who reported to him would bow and those who were his enemies would give up rather than face Alistair “Look Into My Eyes” Maldives. I mean he actually smoked a pipe containing gun powder...

Well thanks to Gore Vidal for giving me something new (but historically based) to write about. These are just a few of my ideas, off the top of my head. I put no thinking into this post (like I had to tell you that). I mean Maldives isn't real...or is he???

It's Finally Here...

 Just over 3 weeks ago it started. But today it comes to an end. What am I talking about? Someone’s jury duty? How long it takes me to do long arithmetic? No. Well, maybe I came close with the math part, but I'm talking about the girls time off from school.

If you hear Andy Williams singing “It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year' while you are reading this, well you're not alone! The break was nice.  I FINALLY saw the Muppet's movie, I turned another year older and the girls got bikes for Christmas but I'm glad it's over. The girls need to go back to school and start their learnings back up.

And what I mean by 'their learnings,' is: it's time for me to get back to writing. It just sounded better if I played it off as something my kids needed. Of course I will be struck by lightening later for saying that, but hey, getting struck by lightening does make for an exciting story.

So...this year I am going to self-publish. I know I said it last year, but this year it's going to happen. I've got over 700 posts on this site I can dig through. So maybe I will put this blog into book form. Of course it will have lots of pictures to keep everyone's attention. OK, I'll be honest the large pictures are to keep MY attention.

Well, the time has come. I need to cut this short because I've got to wake the girls up. I'm sure THAT will be interesting. Hmmmmm, I wonder if that would make a good story...

The Top Ten Options For Celebrating Elvis' B-day (As Approved By The King Himself)*

I post this every January 8th, so it's Jan. 8th and I leave you this...


*Although he is living on an island with Marilyn Monroe, JFK and Jim Morrison, Elvis himself did not officially endorse this Top Ten List. Neither did Elvis' estate, for that matter. Ok, they are just 10 crappy ideas I came up with. There. Now are you happy?


10. Sport trucker side burns. Sorry, this one's just for men – which I am sure Elvis would use (I mean the product. Not sure about the sideburns and all since the National Enquirer said one had to be glued back on after his death. D'oh). It drives that lady folk crazy. And if that isn't enough of an enticement guys, check this out: You don't have to shave as much of your face when sporting the trucker burns because they take up most of your cheek and hard to reach just under the jaw places.


9. Make about 36 movies – each one successively worse and each one making “The Love Guru” the “Gone With The Wind” of our generation.


8. Employ your own Mafia and then get your picture taken with the President in the Oval Office while wearing your full mafia regalia (including cape), therefore making the President look like a square. Because we all know that the title of King ALWAYS trumps the title of President. Then, as you are being driven away by your mafia, encourage them to make funny faces at the secret service because you pay them better than the President's protectors. After your visit, send a thank you note to the White House on your new stationary that is emblazoned with the slogan: “Graceland – Memphis Tennessee. Better than the White House because there is no Jungle Room or Purple curtains in the White House.” It seems over the top, but you'll feel so superior after doing it.


7. Give Cadillacs to everyone you come into contact with. Yes, I admit this one will be difficult given the price of the new 2009 Escalade and all. However, just remember it is worth it because you are buying affection AND loyalty.


6. Maintain an effective weight loss regimen by performing concerts in 60 pound, rhinestone studded jumpsuits. And pills. Take lots of pills.


5. Name your 737 after your only daughter. Or, just own a 737 – that's pretty impressive. By the way, the only celebrity I can think of these days who goes the 737 route instead of the Lear Jet route is John Travolta. Not enough celebrities fly around in their own personal airliners anymore. I'm guess this will change when Oprah and the rest of Hollywood see Obama step onto Air Force One for the first time. Yep, time to get stock in Boeing.


4. Take 2 slices of bread, a lot of peanut butter and slice up a few bananas. Then have your own kitchen lady fry it all together. Seriously, do this. It's deliciousness cannot be denied. If you Google “kitchen lady” I'm sure you can find someone.


3. Through the effective use of pills and dark drapes, make the daytime the nighttime and the nighttime the daytime. Then invite your in-laws over for lunch during the 'day.' Wait, this one is confusing even me.


2. When changing channels becomes too laborious, just shoot out the current program with a .45. It has far less buttons than I remote, I can assure you.


1. Fall in love with a severely underage girl, take her and her younger sister skating and stuff for 6 years and then marry her the minute Vegas says it's legal and have your child be born exactly 9-months to that very day.

The Annual Christmas Letter

Every year I repost this.  People enjoy it, but much more importantly, I don't have to come up with anything new for today!!

We all mock them and some of us actually take the time to write them. It’s the annualbragging Christmas letter that we send to family and other people we want to feel superior to. I present to you this year’s edition of the Christmas card letter as written from "the wife’s" point of view:

Dear Friends, Family and Frenemies:

Wow, I can’t believe another year has come and gone. It seems like just last year at this time I was writing our Christmas letter. It’s been another amazing year for the family and while I haven’t bothered to take the time to call or even email many of you, you all have been on our minds and more importantly, in our hearts. I hope your 2006 has been as wonderful, splendid, fantastic and terrific (not to mention busy, he he,he,) as ours has.

We were so lucky to be able to begin the year with the birth of our 10th child Annabelle, or as I like to call her, Annabellicious (I keep telling hubby that just two more will make it an even dozen). She was born a beautiful girl and all the doctors say that she was the prettiest baby they had ever seen. It’s been just under a year and she can already do fractions.

Of course the twins Niles and Frasier continue to be little rascals. Who knows what they will get into next. Why just last week I caught them eating whip cream right out of the can. I mean really, can you just imagine. They’re so naughty, but I guess that’s what you get with boys. Stuart entered the 6th grade this fall and he is already doing calculus. His teacher says he’s the brightest boy he’s ever taught and he was elected school president. Susie made the cheerleading squad again and is dating the quarterback. She also got the lead in the school production of ‘Grease.’ Unfortunately we thought it a little to risqué so she decided to take a knitting class.

Harold has been an alter boy at every single mass this year and he scored the winning goal at this year’s soccer championships. Lucy’s got the lead in the community ballet and she continues to volunteer at the retirement home. Phil is a junior this year and is already applying to Harvard (I like to say he’s got ivy in his veins). Amanda just learned how to walk and Freddie is scheduled to go up in the space shuttle next year.

You’d think I had my hands full with the kids, but I also found time to donate a wing to the hospital, sew blankets for the orphanage and volunteer (again) for the church carnival. I just don’t know where I get my strength. Maybe it’s from those yellow pills in the bathroom. Oops, I guess the cat is out of the bag on that ditty.

How about husband you ask? Well, he’s been ok. The firm was doing so well that he started a second one. Husband outsourced some of the phone operators to Liechtenstein and with the money the firm saved, we built a library solely devoted to the works of Dr. Seuss and Jack Kerouac. He finally got the roof up on the ranch in Kauai and the cottage in Vale should be done next spring. I’m just glad he found the time to attend all the kids’ special events. I can’t believe he had to build our 15th bookshelf for all the awards they keep winning!

Well, enough about us. As you can tell, it’s been another hectic but quiet year. I keep hoping we’ll have exciting news to share one of these years, but I guess for now we should call ourselves the Ho-Hums. We’re just so relieved that Lucy’s surgery went well and now we can all celebrate the holidays together at the castle in Scotland. We want to wish you a wonderful holiday season and we’ll try to think about calling all of you upon our return, in February!

P.S. the dog had puppies again. I guess we really should put her in at night. Oh, I know I’m being just awful.

Top 007 Things I've Learned From James Bond (Get it? I semi-crack myself up...)

So, I'm still walking up early which gives me the perfect opportunity to watched my James Bond Films. Doing so, I've learned a few things. Pour yourself a coffee – shaken not stirred - and join me. Be warned though, shaking a cup of coffee can have disastrous consequence. Like ruining a shirt. Or pants or the arm next you...

007. A large portion of the evil doers will end up dead. Just like 'red-shirts' on Star Trek.

006. Bond will always have something catchy to say after he sent someone to their death.

005. Bond will always have something catchy to say while he's...uh, 'disrobing' his female counterpart.

004. He will never make it on time to a meeting where his boss asks him to attend. This is usually because he is wrapping up #5 on this list.

003. Identifying who you are by saying your last name first is very cool. Saying it wearing tuxedo, uber cool!

002. It seems that the only game he plays is baccarat. Note to self, learn how to play baccarat.

And the 001 thing I've learned from James Bond...

All of the gadgets Bond gets to try will one day make it to the Sharper Image Catalog.

Get Your Red Hot Reindeer Dogs!

This one is from 2006.  Whenever I read it, I get hungry...


I saw this little Associated Press story and couldn’t pass it up. Maybe it’s because I just spent three hours driving Lucy and Ethel around to look at Christmas lights. From Starbucks to Jack in the Box, food eateries try to add a little holiday spice to their menu this time of year. At one Chicago area hot dog stand, the holiday offering may be just a bit too much. The AP says that the stand is offering Reindeer Hot Dogs. They are produced in Alaska (you betcha)  and are supplemented by a little beef and pork because reindeer is apparently lean and dries out easily. That's what she said.  Ok, that one really didn't even make sense.  Sorry.  I'll be more judicious in my TWSS execution next time.

I know that deer meat is called venison, but I’m not sure what reindeer meat is called. I would suggest Prancer Pork, Donder Dogs or maybe even Blitzen Beef, but I’ll just play it safe and refer to them as Reindeer Dogs. The story didn’t mention how well the new item is selling, but my guess is not very well.

Mommy: Jimmy, would you like a hot dog or reindeer dog?
Jimmy: Wow, what’s a reindeer dog? Is it like a Happy Meal or something with a Christmas toy inside?
Mommy: Um, no sweetie. It’s ground up reindeer in a pink casing instead of beef or chicken.
Jimmy: You mean they took Rudolph and WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Obviously the new hot dog isn’t going to be big with the 8 and under crowd. No doubt that there will be plenty of curious folks who will want to try genuine reindeer meat. Once you add the mustard, relish and onions you probably can’t taste the difference anyway. Go ahead and say it, it tastes like chicken.  The downside to serving up a holiday icon in a bun is that it might not sell, though I really like the phrase 'holiday icon in a bun.'  And then there's 'holiday icon with a bun,' which would be Aunt Bee from The Andy Griffith Show, but now I've strayed way too far off topic. The upside of course is that this guy’s hot dog stand just got a ton of free publicity that will turn into increased sales. Reindeer with your meat so light, you’ll be on my bun tonight. Sorry, I couldn’t resist that.

I think the vendor has really tapped into a new line of holiday food items though. I can just see someone offering up a Frosty the Snow Man snow cone. The tagline: it contains a special blend of the essence of Frosty with just a dash of magic from his hat. Actually, as long as it isn't 'lemon' flavored, I just might try it. Now if I could only figure out what nog is.  Actually, don't tell me.  I don't want to know...

What To Do When You Awake Before The Dead

I have been waking up between 3:30am and 5am for the last couple of weeks. And to think, I was mad at having to get the girls ready for school at 6:30am. That seems soooo late now. Years ago I wrote about “Insomnia Man” and I'm getting ready to launch Captain Slumbers Too Little and his masked partner, Lt. Graveyard Shift. Yes, those are just a working titles. Unless they grab you. Nah, I don't want to pander to my readers like that. Well, unless you think I should? No wonder I have a tough time deciding where to eat...

The first step in battling my “waking up before the alarm clock goes off” (which should be considered a sin) is to up the amount of my sleepy time medicine. Sleepy Time is not the legal name for it. The legal name is only something my doctor can pronounce. So I did that. And proceeded to wake up EARLIER than I did yesterday. I stopped taking naps for a few days, that also didn't help. Although it made me a zombie around 6pm each night. Not the good sci-fi zombie.

I could lessen the cups of coffee I drink. That was a joke. If you do that I will hunt you down and do despicable things to you. Really despicable things! Like watch Lawrence Welk on Sunday nights wearing old cardigan sweaters that smell like “old folk.” So see, messing with the level of caffeine I ingest is off the table.

This brings me to the part of the essay which I like to call “Things Not To Do When You Wake Up While The Rooster Is Dreaming.” Normally accepted things to do during this time are things like write a sappy letter to your spouse, straighten up the living room, make the girls lunch for school and read. You know, quiet but yet productive things.

Those things would be all well and fine. But not for me. I like to wake up, turn the Christmas trees on Yes, I said trees with an 's.' Don't be jealous. That just the way we tumble. Maybe that should be 'roll?' Then I make coffee. After that, I turn on the tv, because gun fire will keep the whole house asleep. After that, I start a fire. Ya know, just quiet things to do.

So, if I am going to keep waking up so early, I have to change my ways. Perhaps that is when I'll receive a visit from Captain Slumbers Too Little. Oh wait, I made him up. I really have to get more sleep..

Oh Fudge! He Bought The ‘Christmas Story’ House.

I know I'm putting up a lot of reposts these days, but some day, that will end.  I'm pretty sure.  Nah, I'm totally sure.  


Why watch a movie scene when you can own it? Who ever thought that when E-bay opened its doors (their virtual ones, I guess) that people would be buying parts of famous movies on it. That’s exactly what a man did with $150,000 dollars. He bought the house in Cleveland where Ralphie and his family lived in the movie “A Christmas Story.” It’s sure to become a cult destination and presumably all the Bumpus’ hounds are long since dead, so it’s probably a pretty safe investment. It opened for tours this past Saturday and the same gentleman bought the house across the street to be used as a gift shop and museum. The story gets better, the man also makes and sales his own leg lamps. I guess in a weird twist of fate the lamps based on the ‘major award’ that graced the house’s front window in the movie partly financed the purchase of the house itself. Only in America folks, only in America.

It’s one of my favorite movies and if you’ve never seen it, you should. It’s on DVD and TBS runs a 24-hour marathon of it every Christmas Eve. Personally, my family got so sick of me trying to sneak it on TV by changing the channel every time someone left the room on Christmas Eve that they just broke down and bought me the movie to shut me up (ha, the joke’s on them because it didn’t work). You could almost say that just trying to get it on the TV for everyone to see became my own personal Red Rider BB Gun quest. I like to slightly annoy the family by wearing my ‘you’ll shoot your eye out’ t-shirt on Christmas Eve for family pictures and I have a miniature leg lamp ornament that has its own special place on our tree (thanks Carlton Cards and your ornament makers). I’ll admit though that it does take a little creativity explaining to Lucy and Ethel (my twin youngins) why there is a fishnet stocking leg on our Christmas tree. Fortunately, it’s one of those explanations that can begin with the phrase, “when you get older…”

I guess it’s true when they say that there are some real bargains on E-bay. Wouldn’t it be neat to get to buy a piece of movie history? I think it would be a lot of fun owning an iconic home. You could stand in the driveway and wave to the people who drive by just to see it. Houses that come to mind are the Cunningham’s house on ‘Happy Days,’ Archie Bunker’s house, the beautiful home from the Steve Martin movie ‘Father of the Bride,’ (I actually know where that one is) and of course the Brady’s home on the Brady Bunch. By the way, did you know that the 'Brady' home is not a two-story house? Boy can they work wonders in Hollywood.

Of course, even though the houses may be iconic, you’d be in a little trouble if they weren’t so easily recognizable to others. Then you’d be stuck with a home you bought at an over inflated price because of its supposed fame. If that happens, don’t dare think about sticking a tacky sign up in the yard that reads, “Stop here – former home of the Cunninghams on ‘Happy Days.’ Photo ops only ten dollars.” That would be sure to tick off the neighbors. If you were going to live in one of them, tours would be out of the question, too. The family wouldn’t take too kindly to strangers traipsing in and out of the house throughout the day. I can see it now for poor little Suzy. Every time she’s in the shower, one of the tourists needs to use the guest bathroom downstairs and when the toilet is flushed, she is scalded.

So now, in addition to blogging, I’ll have to keep my eye on E-bay in case a famous house is put up for auction. I’d pursue Beaver’s house on ‘Leave it to Beaver,’ but that’s only a fake house on the Universal Studios lot. Hopefully Sheriff Andy Taylor’s house from ‘The Andy Griffith Show’ is real and will be auctioned off soon. The only problem is that the show was in black and white. Does anyone know what color it really is? I’d hate to bid on a house from a black and white television show and end up winning a house with purple trim. Maybe I’ll hold out for Graceland or that big house the President is always landing his helicopter in front of. The name of it escapes me at the moment. If it has enough room for a helicopter, I’m sure it has ample room for a bounce house. Hopefully they take Pay Pal.

Santa Faces Possible Indictment Over Mutant Deer Discovery

A Wisconsin man discovered a deer with seven legs recently after he struck it with his truck. Perhaps even weirder is the fact that the animal had both male and female ‘parts’ (to be politically correct). The Associated Press reports that the extra legs were each a few inches long and were attached to its ‘regular’ legs.

The growing concern is that there may be something screwy going on up at the North Pole. Although no other reports of the existence of ‘genetically unique’ deer have been reported, there have been rumors. PETA officials have scheduled an ‘exploratory mission’ to the North Pole to investigate the treatment of the local deer population.

‘Obviously there’s something funny happening when deer can fly and some are born with red noses, so you have to make a connection between that and this mutant deer turning up,’ said a PETA official. ‘I don’t know what you do to get reindeer to fly, but it’s obviously harmful,’ he added.

The North Pole has remained quiet and secretive about their deer breeding practices and all reindeer flights have been cancelled until investigations have been completed. The Pole has always maintained that safety of their animals is the highest priority. Other than an ugly sleigh collision in 1973 that purportedly took the lives of three deer and a myth about a banjo-playing snowman who talks, no other reports of North Pole animal injuries or oddities have ever been reported.

“The whole Santa operation is very image based and the big guy would cringe if anything happened to tarnish that finely honed image,” said a diminutive North Pole spokesperson with pointy ears. “Believe me, when companies like Coca-Cola and large department stores give us free publicity, we don’t want to have any freaky transsexual deer running around to spoil an image we’ve been perpetuating for over 100 years,’ the spokesperson added.

If anything at the North Pole is found to be the cause of the mutant deer, Kris Kringle could face stiff fines and possible prison time for the ‘cruel and unethical treatment of fictional flying animals that don’t normally fly.’ Some observers worry about the global debate that will follow over who has jurisdiction over the North Pole as it has often been thought of as international territory. Canada, Russia, the United States, Denmark, Greenland, the ACME Ice Manufacturing Company and the estate of the late Liberace have tried at one time or another to claim territorial rights to the North Pole. The most likely outcome would find Santa imprisoned at Gitmo or Abu Grahib.

This will likely be a tense Christmas for the Clauses and little children the world over as they wait to see what will happen. Those close to Santa have reported that he’s in a very foul mood and mumbles constantly saying, ‘all because of one deer, one #^%#$#%$$ deer!’ Like one Santa believer said, ‘if they use nuclear energy to power submarines, there’s no telling what they use to get reindeer to fly.’

Scientists Prove Artificial Christmas Trees Help Promote Weight Loss

TV networks do it so I am doing it.  It's a holiday repost...


A revolutionary and landmark study was completed over the past holiday weekend and its results were announced yesterday. The San Bernardino, California based I Can’t Believe We Get Funding For This, Inc. (ICBWGFFT) research think tank has proven a link exists between holiday decorating and extreme calorie burning. It’s kind of the reverse of trimming the tree.

The research was conducted with fourteen men participating. All fourteen men ate until they became dizzy Thanksgiving Day and throughout the remainder of the holiday weekend. Seven of the men were then instructed to spend the weekend doing their normal routines while the second group of seven was asked to assemble a seven foot artificial Christmas tree complete with lights and decorations and then to string lights on their homes. The group of decorators lost thirteen pounds between Friday and Monday morning while the first group who did not decorate gained twenty. Incidentally, the group of weight gainers is now suing ICBWGFFT.

“Obviously there’s a significant link between holiday decorating and weight loss based on our highly controlled studies,” said ICBWGFFT’s lead scientist. “Everyone assumes that artificial trees are easier to deal with at Christmas time, but that is just a myth. With a real tree you just drive home from the lot or tree farm, put it up in your living room and decorate it, but with an artificial one you are responsible for lugging it around, erecting it and fluffing up all branches and tree tips before you can do anything else like adding lights or decorations,” she added.

The scientists believe that the constant motion necessary to assemble a decent looking artificial tree is equal to jogging or swimming for three consecutive hours. They observed their subjects’ non-stop activity as they made lap after lap after lap around their trees trying to make sure that each branch and tip on every single limb was positioned perfectly. The scientists also noted that the more compulsive the individual, the more time they spent arranging and rearranging the trees’ branches.

“These men would step away from the tree to look at their work, see a bare spot, and begin moving the branches again as if they just couldn’t stop working on their tree,” a scientist noted. “It’s like they were hummingbirds and had to maintain perpetual motion. To be honest with you, we’ve had a lot of fun reviewing our study subjects’ tapes and will probably submit a few to America’s Funniest Home Videos when we’re done.”

ICBWGFFT said that the more lights and decorations placed on the tree, the greater the weight loss would be. They also were able to counter the notion that stress can lead to weight gain. The holidays and decorating for them are some of the most stressful times of the year, but despite the stress the decorating men endured over the weekend, all seven subjects posted significant weight loss. Unfortunately, five of the seven subjects consumed an average of three cups of eggnog per day after the testing period and gained their weight back. Those subjects are also now suing ICBWGFFT.

Officials at ICBWGFFT celebrated their groundbreaking discovery by announcing this morning that they have teamed up with an artificial garland manufacturing plant in Ohio to begin selling artificial Christmas trees with 5,000 tips and the most branches possible on any commercially available tree. They hope to have the tree, named The Thinning Tannenbaum, in major retail outlets, home improvement mega stores, vitamin supplement shops, Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig by the second week of December.

A Very Happy Birthday, Mr. Samuel Twain

I don't do 'shout-outs' on this blog, I guess that is also called 'special recognition' or hellos. Heck I don't even mention my kids by their real names! A special shout-out to Lucy, Ethel and LaVerne!! Ah gheez, I just did a shout-out!!!!!! Augh.....

But this shout-out is worth it. It is Mark Twain's (Samuel Clements) 176th birthday. Just yesterday I was writing something vaguely about 'Why I Write' and he is certainly one of the main reasons I do so. He is and always will be America's Humorist, well next to Fred Willard of course. He had something to say on everything from A-Z. Of course, he wrote a few famous books, too :)

Sitting down to write everyday, he's with me. Well, the early Mark Twain, because I really don't like to wear all white. I hope that made sense. If not, there's always Wikipedia.

Anywho, Happy Birthday Mark Twain!!!! I bet he would have a lot to say from where he is right now.  

Why I Write

Well, I do so so that you have something to read. Please be honest, seeing a blank page would not be fun. Although you're probably thinking it would be better than how I deface the page...But it's a good question. I mean the pregunta (that's Spanish for question) about why I write, not the question about me trying to do graffiti with the written word on a blank page.

Now that I have you completely lost...ahh heck, I am too. I wanted this be a look into why I write, but I didn't think it out anymore than that. I even have my 'writing pipe,' the one I want to have in my mouth as I complete the book I promised myself. I even have a sweater (ok, sweat shirt with hoodie), booze (well, it's wine) and I contemplated getting an eye patch. You know, the things a great writer has, so that I could explain to you why I write.

It feels good (I'm talking about writing here people!!). It's like every time I have have something to say, I feel like I should write it out. The only problem with that is AS (After Stroke), I have trouble committing my words to paper. Heck, I have trouble even getting the right words out. But rather than let that deter me, I'm am just gonna write what comes to mind. You may ask yourself why would a train leave the station KNOWING that it was going to derail, but that's where the fun comes in.

Writing is for some people a dreaded thought, not something that they want to make into a habit. But even if you have nothing to say, getting it on paper is the start of you 'writing exercises.' I honestly believe that if you train a brain to sit down and write that you will and it'll become easier and more readable. Besides, doing crunches it not as fun. Well, for me.

So (here's my lackadaisical) punchline...Please join me as I figure out why I write. Besides, it's free.

PS. Tomorrow's post will be much better. I say that not knowing what it will be about. Maybe a post on the most famous train derailments...   

Will YOU Be At Your Computer Today?

Back to the grind after a holiday weekend. But this Monday has a title. It's “Buy Things While You Are At Work Day.” Apparently, that is known by SOME people as “Cyber Monday.” I guess Black Friday needed a cousin, or at least a red-headed step child. Personally I prefer Thursday's title: Take Things Back Thursday.  Only, shopping online doesn't require money. You just buy it and it shows up, right??

We spent like 52 Billion ( that's right, with a B) this past weekend. I guess over the weekend the economy turned around. But I am NOT writing this post to say people spending their money is a bad thing, especially went it comes to Christmas presents. I say the more the merrier!  

I would be more than happy to point you to some clicks for good deals. You know, if you want to buy them for, whoever... Or perhaps you want to buy something for somebody's birthday. Like a certain blog writer I know. Hey, enough of that!!! Unless you wanted to. No, that's enough!!

Happy clicking!

PS – Remember to get just a little work done today while you are cruising the intrawebs :)

Insomnia Man

Considering that I couldn’t come up with anything else for today, I thought I would delve deeper into the life of Insomnia Man. This will be somewhat different from my usual posts and embarrassingly; THIS is my longest post to date. 

Insomnia Man (IM because I’m too lazy to type the full name) was a sheepherder until being laid off in the late 90s when computer software and technology made it possible to count sheep more cheaply and efficiently than a mere mortal could. This disturbed Insomnia Man deeply and disrupted the ebb and flow of his life, but he found work not long after in a local office complex. He would spend his days in his drab mono-colored (coloured for any of my European readers) cubicle staring at a computer monitor listening to the incessant droning native to the office environment while pushing papers and taking things in and out of manila folders because that’s what he saw those around him doing. 


Due to the lack of excitement he was used to on the sheep farm, he would often fall asleep at his desk. IM could get away with this because he always had plenty of manila folders on his desk and was never seen not clutching one. This daytime sleeping made it hard to fall asleep at night and before too long IM became a full-fledged insomniac. Well, that’s what he believed after seeing that he had a few of the same symptoms as an insomniac does on the internet. Perhaps he was too quickly convinced that he was an insomniac because he thought it made him a candidate for disability until he was laughed out of his company’s HR Specialist’s office. This made him bitter and agitated which further deterred his ability to sleep.

The insomnia didn’t bother IM too much at first because it made it much easier for him to sleep through his workday and that made the workday pass much quicker than if he actually worked straight through 8 consecutive hours. IM would spend his nights learning foreign languages by watching their infomercials or enjoying his TiVo’d episodes of ‘The Wonder Years’ (don’t we all have Winnie Coopers or Kevin Arnolds in our past). One night while craving a Chalupa, he took to the streets to find a Taco Bell. It was at this time that he witnessed his very first crime. At least he thought that the guy was breaking into his neighbors house until he called the police and they discovered that it was his neighbor’s Father-in-law trying to get back into the house because he locked himself out while house sitting. Never the less, the adrenaline rush he experienced while thinking he was foiling a criminal act now and forever would be in his blood. It was only a bonus that his neighbors later dropped the charges against him.

IM now knew what he must do. He would use his sub-super powers to prevent evil in his city by finding crime in progress and calling the police. Sadly, IM was not smart enough to realize that the crime would be over by the time he reported it. He upgraded his cell phone plan, bought a digital camera and while his wife slept one night, he assembled everything he would need to fashion his own superhero costume, although he disliked the term costume as he felt it belittled him and referred to it as his ‘Superuni.” He later realized he had no talent for combining words and just stuck with ‘My Uniform For Deterring, if Not Repelling, Because I Can’t Really Fight, Crime.” One night after driving himself to the emergency room to have his fingers removed from the cape he had accidentally sewed to them, his Uniform For Deterring, if Not Repelling, Because I Can’t Really Fight, Crime was finished.

IM was now free to patrol the streets at night looking and listening for crime. He found that the longer he went without sleep, the harder it was to walk or drive straight and trust what he was seeing. Unfortunately, he missed more crimes than he prevented and was asked by the authorities to stop searching for crime after striking a group of elderly women leaving a bingo game one night. In time, the police dispatchers stopped taking his calls and then became further irritated when they had to dispatch officers nightly to get him off the yards of the town’s citizens. It turns out that those Neighborhood Watch programs really are effective. But then, how difficult is it to spot someone in a mask and cape with big ‘ZZZZs’ on their chest peeking in through your neighbor’s window.

Times were tough for IM. Then when having to go to the grocery store for his wife one day (despite his insistence that he needed to try and sleep during the day because he did really important stuff at night like Elvis used to), he realized that he actually did have an almost superpower. The bags under his eyes had become so big that they repelled the sunlight allowing him to not have to squint, just like the pro athletes who paint black streaks under their eyes before they compete. Now he could seek out and report crime to the authorities in the daytime too.

Insomnia Man patrolled the local streets day and night unsuccessfully for over 20 years. Then one day his social security check began arriving and his wife retired. She insisted that they buy a motor home and travel the country (mostly to escape the constant ridicule for being the wife of the sleepless caped idiot). While driving the motor home, he fell asleep at the wheel driving through Needles, California and was hospitalized for 8 months. Ironically, that day driving and the ensuing 8 months was the best (and by best I mean only) sleep he had experienced in 23 years. After recovering; they retired to Florida, took up lawn bowling and he now falls asleep at 3PM everyday while watching ‘The People’s Court’ in his recliner.

It’s still a sore subject for him when his grandchildren make fun of Insomnia Man. Except for the one grandchild who is afraid of sleep and found Insomnia Man’s Uniform For Deterring, if Not Repelling, Because He Can’t Really Fight, Crime in his grandfather’s attic one day…