Screwing Up The Average…

Ok, I realize that by posting this week after posting last week that I am screwing up my average, but I’m going to give it a try anyway.  The only problem is that the idea bin was kinda empty today, save for a few cobwebs, half a piece of chicken and the sounds of crickets chirping…

 Apparently, in the world of fake holidays, today is “The Meaning of Is Day.”  That’s all fine and dandy until I realized that if I can’t explain the Star Wars universe to two 6 year olds then there is no way I stand a chance of explaining the meaning of is.  It’s like trying to conceptualize how long infinity is, what happens after we die or what makes bacon so delicious.  Or, where babies come from, as I was asked by Lucy just 3 days before LaVerne was born.  I know you’re wondering, so my answer was “wanna go get a Slurpee, or 4?”  So in short, today’s post will NOT be about the meaning of “is.”  Instead, I am going to take the easy way out be really creative and use bullets.  I mean bullet points!  Whoa, my therapist would’ve had a field day wondering what I meant by that.  Close call!

!  Why can’t I ever wake up with a GOOD song in my head instead of a song from one of Elvis’ worst movies?  And why do I tend to wake up with choreography for it as well?

!  What does it mean when someone tells you “I expected so much more out of you…”  Does that mean I owe them money or something?

!  What happens when you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both…and then you are right back where you started from because the bad negated the good, meaning no real change took place.

!  Is it so wrong to want an evil nemesis?

!  Why can I fall asleep within thirty milliseconds of sitting down in my recliner (yes, I have a recliner.  And no, I DO NOT eat at restaurants any later than 4pm…why do you ask) but it takes me an hour to fall asleep in bed?

!  Did anyone else get a cease and desist letter from Danica Patrick, or was that just me?

!  Apparently saying “I’m on Facebook to make influential contacts that might help me get a new job” is not the same as job searching.  Who knew?

!  Does eating too much bacon mean I am more susceptible to contracting the swine flu? 

!  Have you ever just started hearing the same phrase repeated in your head over and over, like the way Obi Wan talks to Luke, and wondered if there was a reason you keep hearing it?  For me, it’s not “use the force” or “what did my wife just say to me while I was nodding like an idiot,” but “bacon wrapped cheese.”  Although oddly, it is Sir Alec Guinness’ voice that is saying it…

!  When I call LaVerne my little Winston Churchill, it’s a sign of affection.  I mean she really DOES resemble the former Prime Minister.  Well, without the bowler’s hat, cigars and 250 extra pounds.

!  Why does the thought of bacon flavored Slurpees not disgust me, but actually titillate me?

!  Why does saying the word “titillate” make me giggle like a little school girl?

! And why can’t I say the phrase “giggle like a little school girl” without an evil German accent?