Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The One Where I Try In Vain To Explain My Absence

Ok, as a few people pointed out yesterday, I have apparently not posted in over a month. I have lots of good reasons for that (well, one good reason and lotsa really crappy ones…but I’m choosing quantity or quality). And since I really couldn’t think of anything to write, I am going to explain them all to you in a nauseatingly detailed fashion…

While I had thunk that my ode to Match Game (and Match Game 76) was my pinnacle of writing, my ascent to the peak of Mt. Everest, except without the snow and death and stuff, apparently not everyone wants to read that post every day for over a month. Lots has happened to keep me from posting. Let’s see, there was the incident I had when Facebook deleted my account for using it too much. Then there was that other incident when Facebook deleted my account for using it too much. There was also that third time where Facebook deleted my account for using it too much. I mean that right there took up about 3 days.

During that time there was also my brief flirtation with the buttermilk pancakes from Denny’s. Or how about my 1.6 hundred (I know that’s not a real number, but I thought the use of the decimal point would lend it the credibility that this post so desperately lacks) visits to Disneyland. Me discovering that link where people post their Lego creations was a time sapper, as was my renewed love of Wii Bowling. Although I think I’ve lamely CLEARLY stated my case for my prolonged absence, there’s more! Act now and you can have TWO clearly stated cases for my prolonged….sorry, that was my ode to the passing of Billy “Act Now and You Can Get Enough For Two Nostrils” Mays.

I discovered Twitter, which ate up some time. Why, it took me an entire week to figure out whether posts are called Tweets or Twitterifications! And speaking of things that end in “cations,” there was that vay-kay I didn’t take this summer, which is why I relived (in my back yard) my trip to Oregon and the Tillamook cheese factory last summer…in real time. My passing out for 5 days after learning that there is a Lobster Ice Cream took up 3 days. Wait, the math doesn’t seem right there…Then my passing out after my dear friend Kat told me how much it was to ship a pint of said ice cream took up another few days.

And speaking of lobster (and bad segues), there was all that time I spent looking at the Lobster Trap Cam online waiting and waiting for a lobster to wander into it. And speaking of online cams (and even more marginally related segues), there was the straight 72 hours I spent watching the Abbey Road Cam counting the times when people tried to reenact the cover of The Beatles’ Abbey Road in the same intersection, which by the way is a very busy intersection! Imagine having this discussion with your auto insurance carrier (que the dream montage)…

“Uh Mr. or Mrs. Auto Agent, I need to report a claim. I completely destroyed the front of my car when I accidentally struck 4 nuns from Argentina reenacting the Beatles’ cover of Abbey Road. Although on a lighter note, I can tell you that the one playing Paul really is dead. And the one playing John was the Walrus. Well ok, at least in size and girth she was…”

It seems like I’m forgetting something though. Lemme think…cheese, bacon, lobster, the Facebook Police, more cheese, doing stupid things,…Oh yeah, the BABY! Yep, I became a father again on July 31st. In addition to Lucy and Ethel, I now have LaVerne. Between diaper changes and feedings and frantically running around screaming “the end is here, the end is here” every time I misplace LaVerne’s pacifier, I haven’t had a lot of time for my hobbies.

So in a 1,000 unnecessary word essay, that is why I haven’t posted anything new here in over a month. And let’s face it, after reading this post, I think we all are in no hurry for me to do another one…


Employee No. 3699 said...

Congrats on the birth of your daughter!

LaVerne, huh? Just don't call her Shirley!

meleah rebeccah said...

Well OF COURSE I loved every single unnecessary word of this essay!

I fully understand why you would pass out for five days over Lobster Ice cream and the cost to ship some of it!

Congrats on the brand new baby, she is absolutely precious.

And I see you are finally getting the hand of twitter! Totally acceptable reasons for not writing blog posts.

"Billy “Act Now and You Can Get Enough For Two Nostrils” Mays. "

Best title ever.

"which is why I relived (in my back yard) my trip to Oregon and the Tillamook cheese factory last summer…in real time."

made me laugh out loud

And, the this discussion with an auto insurance carrier? CLASSSSSSIC!

Thanks for another kickawesome blog post!

justrun said...

You forgot the part where you decided to only eat cherries and coffee beans, and then sell your bi-product. That HAS to take up a lot of time.

BTW, y'all make adorable babies!

And you can use Facebook too much? Seriously?

secret agent woman said...

Oh, congratulations!!! I didn't realize you guys were expecting another baby. Yeah, a newborn will keep you busy.

Pawlie Kokonuts said...

Welcome "This Offer Is Not Available in Stores or on Facebook" back.

Pawlie Kokonuts said...

Oh. And felicitations on the newborn. To your wife. And you. And the twins.

Sizzle said...

Congratulations on being surrounded by women! ;-)

AislĂ­nge said...

I laughed my ass off reading this! I love your writing - and the call to the insurance company was the best.

Having a two month old baby in the house is the number one reason for not writing - people who are joyous but completely sleep deprived do that!

LaVerne... yikes. Good thing these are online names to protect the guilty - you!

Patti said...

Glad to see you back and posting...I've not been around much lately.

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