Sunday, July 20, 2008

Q & A Monday

It’s almost Monday again and what better way to get back into the swing of the workweek, by which I mean forgetting the great summer weekend I am leaving behind and strapping myself into my office chair for another unpredictable ride of phone calls to return, coworkers to annoy and deadlines to meet, than answering questions and pretending I have wisdom beyond my years or between my ears.

Since I have been tested and discovered as having neither, I will give you my usual disclaimers. The answers I offer are neither researched or fact checked. Therefore, you’d be best not to repeat them to anyone or to attempt using them as answers in Trivial Pursuit or in a court of law. Also, I usually tend to ACCIDENTALLY leave out someone’s question every week, but please cut me some slack because I did say it was accidental. So, with that out of the way, on to the first question for the week.

The first question is from Eva who asks: ‘How is your new patio cover working out?’
Well, it’s working out up to 5 days a week now and I can really see how much more toned its 4 support columns are getting. Though I am hoping it starts paying the abs some attention.

Next up is a fellow cubicle dweller, Employee No. 3699. She asked ‘Deep Dish or Thin Crust? Chocolate or Vanilla? I Dream of Jeanie or Bewitched?’
Probably deep dish. I like the crust flaky, though truth be told, I usually don’t eat the crust. The less crust I eat=the more pizza slices I can consume. Does this actually make more sense? No, but it reduces my guilt and I am fine with that. Vanilla over chocolate or any flavor, unless that flavor is coconut or artificial grape, better known as flavor color GP584. And I’d take Bewitched over Jeannie. On what other show can you have two different men with dirty names playing the husband and supposedly no one else notices, not even the snoopy neighbor that spends most of her retirement looking through the windows. You’d think at least she would’ve noticed the hubby switch.

She also submitted these gems: ‘Would you rather your toenails grew at a rate of 1" per without cheese? Would you rather have a window in your cubicle or work 15 minutes less per day? Would you rather title your book "I'm An Idiot And No One Contests That Fact" or "How To Survive Global Warming And A Nuclear Holocaust (By Buying This Book)?"...nothing like throwing your question right back at ya!!’
Obviously I cannot live without cheese any more than I can do without my spleen, gall bladder or appendix, and since Howard Hughes got all freaky and paranoid and lived the last several years of his life without trimming his toenails or fingernails, I’m pretty comfortable choosing continuing my love affair with cheese while my cuticles grow to alarming proportions. You didn’t think you were going to learn anything here today, did you? I would rather have the windows. Yes, 15 minutes a day less would be nice, but since I normally get in 30 mins after everyone else, it wouldn’t be fair of me to take off 15 minutes before everybody. And besides, I really, really want a window and already try to leave 15 minutes before the rest of the staff. That full 8 hours is a real bee-otch. As for the book title, I really preferred the 2nd one, but everyone else seemed to favor the title where I admit I’m an idiot. You know, if I spent a little more time thinking about that fact, I might be hurt and offended.

The next volley of Qs comes from my Best Bud’s Wife. She asked: ‘Why would anyone eat haggis? Where do they get the meat for mince meat pies? Won't you be my neighbor? Have you ever done anything evil....I mean eeevil. Like, the froo-its of the devill...eeevil? Who's Ralph?’
I will go ahead and answer these questions here, even though I should have just answered them in person when I saw you Saturday night. But since your homemade tortilla chips were so amazing and I basically consumed the bowl in its entirety and by myself, I will answer them here. I am not sure why anyone would eat haggis. It might be because it’s a form of torture that someone was enduring or they may be inebriated past the stage where they soil themselves and are aware of what they were eating. I saw it being prepared on ‘Bizarre Foods’ once and it frightened me. Although, if I was allowed to grill it, I might be willing to try. Grilling makes everything better, except for celery.

Also, it’s funny that you ask about the mince meat pies because before heading to your house Saturday, I watched a pie competition on The Food Network and one of the guys made mince meat pie. Apparently it has fruits and stuff and pork lard, which I assume gives it the meaty flavor from which its name is derived. And no, I do not know why I am pulling out all the big boy words today. My grandfather likes mince meat pies. One day I will ask him why. Perhaps it gives your taste buds the same sensations and .pork chops and applesauce.’ After all, it is pork and spiced fruits. Now I want to go watch the Brady Bunch. As soon as my aunt wants to sell us her house across the street from you, I would love to be your neighbor. But, I’m really trying to get away from shoes that lace up and I don’t like wearing sweaters. I actually have never done anything as evil as the fru-its of the dev-ill. I’m too boring. I am not sure who Ralph is. There is a valued frequent commenter here named Ralph, but I don’t think that’s the Ralph you are referring to. I have also heard ‘Ralph’ substituted as the pronunciation of a comic-book burp. Perhaps Ralph is the guy that caused me to miss the holidays in that scary, scary dream I told you about…

The last question this week comes from Aislinge who asked: ‘If I fire people, does that make me a heartless, unfeeling wretch or just good at a bad part of the job?
Well, I am very uncomfortable calling people names, so I can’t tell you that firing people makes you a heartless, unfeeling wretch. Let’s go with you are good at a bad part of your job, which is to be commended. See, I am bad at the good part of my job, which causes me lots of issues. However to balance that out and in my defense, I am very, very good at the part of my job that requires me to take breaks, lunches and leave at the end of the day. I’m pretty sure this makes you a much better worked than I am.

Ok, those are all of the questions to be answered today. Thank you for submitting questions and we’ll do it again next Monday. Also, thanks to everyone who sent me window pictures. I’m putting the first one up on my cube in the next few days and will unveil it on Window Wednesday. Now, if I could just think up blog names for Tuesday, Thursday and Friday…


Anonymous said...

Pork lard! I didn't know you could make mince meat pie sound less appetizing than I already thought!

Eva said...

The phrase "pork lard" makes me laugh. Actually, I guess just the word "lard". If you say it with a British accent it sounds much more classy.
And the snooping neighbor on Bewitched is Edith Kravitz. I know this because when I moved into this building, the woman in #4 would always open her door and poke her head out to see who was coming up the stairs. I started calling her Edith Kravitz behind her back.
Thanks for the 411 on your patio cover, by the way. :)

Odat said...

So what are you going to do when "Evil Day" is celebrated? It's coming up ya know.


Employee No. 3699 said...

Celery + Grill = No Go; who knew?

Really? Toenails growing at an inch an hour. You'd certainly make it into the Guiness Book of World Records!

Aislínge said...

Hello, Michael!

Good answer to a weird question. It's okay to call me names, especially one I am offering up for that very purpose.

The fact is that there is no right answer to that question. In the eyes of my employer, I am very, very good at this aspect of employment management and so then it is as you say.

In the eyes of the employee I am terminating, it is not so cut and dry. For them, it is usually more negative, although I'm always amazed at how many people tell me that I was nice to them when this happened or tell me they know it isn't ME doing this, but the manager.

Never underestimate my roll in this... I was a proponent and in some cases the prime mover for it.

So the better question may be am I a heartless unfeeling wretch because I don't regret this aspect of my job?

I'll post this on my blog as well and cogitate further when I get home...

Mel Heth said...

Wait a minute, have you actually tried grilling celery? (Ick, I can almost taste the smoky, grassy flavor in my mouth!)

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh Michael.

These answers are hilarious. I love how you managed to work in Howard Hughes with the creepy toenail reference.

Oh and now I now what "flavor" to ask when I want something grape-like.... "GP584"

"I do not know why I am pulling out all the big boy words today"


Anonymous said...

Did I ever tell you that I have a mortal fear of long toenails? Just thought I'd mention it. Uuugghhh.

Ribeezie said...

Bewitched? Really? Hmm...I say Jeannie all the way. Lol.