Thursday, November 26, 2009

But I Thought These Were The Turkeys You Pardoned...

President Obama carried on a tradition yesterday that dates back to John F. Kennedy in 1963. He pardoned a 45 pound turkey (and it’s backup) for Thanksgiving, thus sparing them from someone’s dinner table. The two birds, Courage and Carolina, were set to spend the day at Disneyland as grand marshals of a Thanksgiving Day Parade instead of in a warm and toasty oven.

However, calamity ensued late Wednesday night in Anaheim, California as the two pardoned turkeys arrived at Disneyland. The park's officials realized that the two birds were not Courage and Carolina, but two larger birds named Yum and Me. Phone calls were immediately placed to the White House to advise them of the mix up but it was too late. Courage and Carolina had already been ‘processed’ and were almost ready to be served at both the White House as Turduken and at a local Washington DC shelter.

“All I can say is oops,” said a White House official. “There was a mix up after the pardoning ceremony and Courage and Carolina were accidentally placed back into the wrong holding pen. I guess things like this happen all the time; these birds all look the same. They sure smell good though,” he added.

Asked whether or not the “turduckened” bird, which most believe to be Carolina, was still going to be served at the White House, the official stated, “well, he has already been prepared so it would be a shame not to go ahead and eat him. We’ll just be more careful next year.”

Meanwhile in Anaheim, Disneyland officials decided to remove the mistaken birds Yum and Me from the parade festivities and “process” them to be sold along with all of their relatives at the turkey leg stand across from “The Rivers of America” in Frontierland. A Disneyland official was quoted as saying, “we did some fact checking and apparently birds mistaken for pardoned birds do not receive the same anti-cooking protection under the law. It makes more economic sense to cook them and sell their sumptuous, overly fattened legs to our park guests.” “Besides,” he added, “have you had one of those turkey legs yet? They are amazing!”

The White House released a statement this morning that condemns the careless judgment of the turkey handlers. The release said that plans are already in motion to prevent this from happening next year. It calls for a congressional hearing and investigation, an improved ten-step post-pardon ceremony turkey handling process and possibly the formation of a new cabinet position to oversee all meaningless Presidential traditions. Lastly, the White House has promised they will use turkey shaped tofu for their dinner next year to make up for accidentally eating the official national turkey.

“We all feel awful about the mix-up. We will not smile, laugh or show excitement in any way as we try our best not to enjoy this turkey while we are eating its succulent and tender meat. Mmmmmmmm, tuuuurrrrkeeeeeeey,” said a drooling White House official.


secret agent woman said...

This ritual pardoning would only make sense if the white house then went on to a non-turkey dinner. As it is, there is something particularly sick about "pardoning" one set of turkeys (who didn't do anything wrong to begin with) and putting another pair in their place.

Michael C said...

That is so, so true! I'm supposed to go to Disneyland tomorrow and that is where the two pardoned birds are. I bet they can hardly walk and will probably die soon. I read a story last night about the genetic engineering of today's turkeys and turkeys are now 121% larger than they were in 1929...

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