Weekend Wrap Up – Don’t Worry, It Won’t Be Too Over Stimulating…

As any decent blogger knows, the beginning of the week is when everyone reads the most blogs. Why? Because they are back in the office and have nothing better to do. Why blog from home when there are so many other activities available like washing behind your boys’ toilet or figuring out what that smell is in the kitchen sink or maybe even watching your child participate in a sporting event. Do I know about the high frequency of blogging during the workweek from experience? Why yes, yes I do. An experienced blogger once told me about it.

I read, heard and saw a lot this weekend. This is partly because I swore that this Memorial Day Weekend, for the first time in almost 10 years, I was going to sit in the comfort of my own home and watch both the Indy 500 and Coca-Cola 600 from start to finish. If only I hadn’t been so precise with my wordage. The weekend might have been much different if not for the 24 hours it took to get in just over half of the 600 mile NASCAR race. (I KNOW, MOST OF YOU ARE ALREADY LOOKING FOR SOMEPLACE TO CLICK, BUT THIS ISN’T ABOUT RACING…SO SIT DOWN!!) As it was, I ended up spending all day Sunday and just over half of Monday in front of my TV waiting for the rains in Charlotte to end (remember that name, it will be relevant again in about two months…or at the end of nine months, to be more precise).

I am also sad to admit this, but I ended up freebasing on Facebook most of that time. The topics were many and wide-ranging, if not important, timely or worth even mentioning. I had a hankering for beignets the entire weekend and since I live in a suburb named Corona, California, this meant settling for the much cheaper donut. So, I had the hankering for donuts all weekend.

I wasn’t really sure why until I learned that there is a topless donut shop in Maine. How is this related to my craving you wonder? Easy – my topless radar must have been going off. Or, it’s just a coincidence, but that isn’t near as exciting, so we’ll stick to it being my topdar working. Folks, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the land of my maiden people, but in Maine, you can’t even consume alky-hall until noon on Sundays. It strikes me as a wee bit odd that donuts can be served all nekkid like. Rumor has it there is a 43 year-old waitress slinging the dough at this place. I’m not saying that’s old. After all, Tina Fey is 39 and lots of great looking women are in their late 30s to early 40s and they look as good as ever (anyone got any Chapstick? My lips are suddenly parched…) I’m just saying it doesn’t sound like the donut shop is going after Hooters’ business any time soon.

I personally would love to dunk a crawler in this eatery, and NO, it’s not because of the topless part. It’s because of topless part. Ok, I’m kidding. It’s because the topless part would let me sit in the shop and say things like “do we get to see her donut holes,” “wow, she’s got a lot of jelly filling,” “I’d love to dunk my crawler in that cup of coffee,” “seeing her makes me want to have a maple bar (or twist or other long donut,” “look at the glaze on that one” and the obligatory ‘please, whatever you do, don’t give me an old-fashioned!”

Granted I would be asked to leave the fried goodness’ premise before even getting to the second or third canned comment, but rest assured that I would put them on cue cards for the other patrons to be able to say.

The other hot topic of the weekend was Monday’s Sci-Fi Channel marathon of the mid-70s (almost) classic, Land of the Lost. All the cool kids were watching it, which explains why I only watched 2 episodes. The first thing that struck me was how GREAT the theme song was. It had a banjo in it and a nice beat. And let’s face it, we all remember the words: “just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip.” Ok, I have been informed that wasn’t correct, but you remember it. “Marshall, Will and Holly on a routine expedition…” I hear that and am immediately transported back to an elementary school morning eating breakfast with my brother watching that while also hoping we wouldn’t have to leave before Voltron came on. Crap! I didn’t mean to say that out loud!

Then there were the Sleestacks with their bejeweled eyes, rubbery skin that could not possibly have any breathability, and horny heads. And don’t kid yourself, my friends and I went a long way with the whole horny heads thing yesterday! In fact, whenever I am finally big enough to fit on a motorcycle, we are forming a biker gang and our jackets will say “The Horny Sleestacks.” Let’s just say it’s the type of gang Fonzie would be too afraid to rescue Richie, Ralph and Potsy from. And why did the Sleestacks talk like men but wear nighties that barely covered their Slee-cracks? Also, am I the only one who thought Chaka looked like Ron Howard’s brother Clint?

Then there was the whole Darren-Dilemma, so named after the switch of Darrens on Bewitched. They changed Dads mid-stream. Unless it was an uncle that came in as a replacement. Honestly, I can’t remember. But if that’s the case, that’s better known as the “Coy-Vance Maybe No One Is Looking Switch,” named after the not-so famous Duke cousins who replaced Bo and Luke in their own clothes. Looking back, it’s obvious to me that the show was trying to capture the “I like the Brady Bunch, but I wish they lived with dinosaurs and lizards” crowd. Will and Holly looked just like Greg and Cindy Brady. Respectively, of course. To call the special effects dated would be about as obvious as calling Oprah a media-God. I was going to say media-whore, but then people would kill me.

Lastly this weekend was the season premier of Jon Cheating On Kate Even Though He Said He Really Didn’t Do Anything, Plus 8. It was the kids’ 5th birthday party. It looked like it went ok, until the end of the show. That’s when they interviewed Jon and Kate together and separately about the future of their relationship. AWKWARD! Normally I wouldn’t watch that show, but now I guess I know how all those people that watch racing just for the wrecks that I badmouth so much feel…I’m thinking ole TLC is going to have a new mid-season replacement. Jon + Kate = Hate. That wasn’t at all original, I know…