The Most Interesting Man In The World (And No, I Don't Mean Alex Trebec Or The Inventor Of The Snuggie)
I’ve been wanting to write about this topic for awhile now but wasn’t exactly sure how to do it justice. I know what you are thinking this is about, but no, it’s not about Thomas Crapper, inventor of the toilet. That being said however, we kind of owe that guy a lot. Sometimes I get flush just thinking about it. Nor is it about Gene Rayburn, host of Match Game AND Match Game 76, which was like getting to hang out with your grandparents when they were drinking and cool. Without him, we would never have been able to end our sentences with the word ‘blank,’ as in ‘Jimmy and Judy want to have another child, but Jimmy keeps shooting blank.’ Wait, that’s not the best example to feature the whole ‘blank’ thing. Let’s try this one, ‘Sally forgot to tell Willy that he blanked her the other day at the park.’ You know what, I might be better at answering those than actually writing them. Ah, but I did like cocktail hour with the seniors. Charles Nelson Reilly, Betty White, Richard Dawson and more. Either my perception of the 70s is way off, or those were some real swinging cats. Mental note: strike the phrase ‘real swinging cats’ from my daily list of approved words, immediately. Also, remember to take that Diet Mountain Dew out of the freezer that I put there to make it cold super quick yesterday.
The individual I meant to discuss today is the somewhat mysterious, but equally cool ‘Most Interesting Man in the World’ from those Dos Equis commercials where he gives us his thoughts on various topics. You know who I’m talking about, right? The middle-aged bearded man with the suave Latin accent who always ends the commercials with ‘stay thirsty my friends.’ Of course if you don’t know who I am talking about, you can just look at the picture up there that I posted. Uh, forgot about that. I supposed it would have been a lot easier to say that than to have described him, huh? I’ve seen a lot of his commercials and I dig them. Mental Note 2.0 – never, ever use ‘dig’ again unless you are holding a shovel, or possibly a spoon.
Provided I clicked the right thing recently, I have become his fan on Facebook, because we all know that the sign of legitimacy in our pop culture is governed by the ads we see on the left or right border of Facebook. Heck, I’ve been offered Huey Lewis and Billy Joel tickets in some of those ads (though curiously, no Barry Manilow). It’s almost eerie, like they know me or possibly have some really nice software coding that takes my interests and panders to them with ticket offers, groups and discount meats. Yes, I’m making the meat part up, but if any Facebook programmer happens to be reading this, let me say 2 things. 1: Please don’t sue me, 2: If you happen to offer discount meats on your amazing and fantabulous site, I would not mind and 3: I hate your new layout. Oops, guess that was more than 2 things, but read it and suck it, Facebook programmers!
Now back to the Most Interesting Man In The World, or MIMITW because I know I am going to get tired of writing out his name and that will just lead me to eventually loathe him, which is in direct contrast to why I started writing all of this in the first place. MIMITW is so cool. I think he needs a sit-com or at the very least, a comic book about him. It always seems like he is sitting around a gaming table (possibly playing baccarat like James Bond) in a tropical, smoke filled bar. And of course he is always surrounded by the ladies (for full effect, please say that in a low and slow manner stretching the ‘a’ sound, not high-pitched and exuberant like Jerry Lewis).
What makes this man so interesting, well other than Dos Equis’ advertising agency? Is it his accent? Is it his beard, or is it the ladies (again, read above for proper utterance of ‘the ladies’) that are always surrounding him? You can just picture this guy globe trotting the world to a slow latin beat version of Ricky Nelson’s ‘Traveling Man,’ because this guy WOULD NEVER listen to Rock and Roll or sadly, Barry Manilow or the Carpenters. Though because he IS the most interesting man in the world, perhaps he could lend credence to their music by just acknowledging it just once. By doing that, he would help me out a great deal, but that’s really beside the point here.
He’s got himself a lady in every port and probably gambles on house credit. I’m also thinking he has hideaways, but not those under the water kinds that only the world’s most evil criminals all seem to have. Those are pre-fabricated and can be purchased at Home Depot and Lowes, by the way. No, The Most Intersting Man’s hideaways are all over the world. In Switzerland’s Mountains, Jamaica’s Beaches, the coast of Italy and a condo in Barstow, gateway to Vegas AND Death Valley. And yes my friends, he probably has a Diner’s Card, too.
You get the feeling that people just want to be near this guy to hear him speak of his feelings on too tight trousers or maybe why you can’t be cool with a parrot on your shoulder because they cannot warn you when they need to make the stinky. And as close as people want to be to him to increase their cool quotient, he keeps them at arm’s length and never reveals too much about himself, thus perpetuating his myth, or the other thing that usually happens – makes people think he’s gay. This was actually a tactic I used to employ heavily, until I got a blog and became so desperate for material that I almost referred to myself in third person once.
Right about now, you may be asking yourself if I, the author of this blog, would want to be the The Most Interesting Man, or possibly you are asking yourself what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks is that idiot writing about now. Well, you’re in luck. I have an answer for both those questions actually. I would not want to be the Most Interesting Man in the World because I do not want to wear tuxedos, or shoes for that matter, nor do I know how to play Baccarat and every time I say that word, it makes me think of Burt Bacharach and that leads me to singing songs like ‘The Look of Love,’ which I’m sure is no strange tune to The Most Interesting Man. And let’s face it, no tux or shoes is instant disqualification from the Most Interesting Man In The World sweepstakes. Also, I too have no idea what I am trying to write about here. This is possibly due to the fact that I have that Muppets song stuck in my head where they all sing and say nothing but ‘menomena.’ Damn that’s catchy. Like dysentery in the south pacific catchy.
Perhaps I could be the leader of the Most Interesting Man in the World’s entourage. No, strike that. I’m sure there is a dress code and that position would probably require me to make all of the Most Interesting Man’s details, travel plans, dinner reservations, car rentals with Hertz, etc. and I am far too much of a body energy conservationist (fine, call it what it really is if you insist – lazy) for that. So, I guess there is nothing left to do now but raise a glass and toast The Most Interesting Man In The World. Besides, I have run out of things to write about. But keep reading, my friends…
(By the way, I feel compelled to inform you that in the spirit of today’s topic, I wrote while alternating between a cup of fine Columbian Coffee and a much less finer cigar. This means not only have I burned a few holes into my clothing, but I’m pretty sure the spilled coffee is going to either make the keyboard stick or render it unusable in the very near future…)