Thursday, January 08, 2009

The Top Ten Options For Celebrating Elvis' B-day (As Approved By The King Himself)*

*Although he is living on an island with Marilyn Monroe, JFK and Jim Morrison, Elvis himself did not officially endorse this Top Ten List. Neither did Elvis' estate, for that matter. Ok, they are just 10 crappy ideas I came up with. There. Now are you happy?

10. Sport trucker side burns. Sorry, this one's just for men – which I am sure Elvis would use (I mean the product. Not sure about the sideburns and all since the National Enquirer said one had to be glued back on after his death. D'oh). It drives that lady folk crazy. And if that isn't enough of an enticement guys, check this out: You don't have to shave as much of your face when sporting the trucker burns because they take up most of your cheek and hard to reach just under the jaw places.

9. Make about 36 movies – each one successively worse and each one making “The Love Guru” the “Gone With The Wind” of our generation.

8. Employ your own Mafia and then get your picture taken with the President in the Oval Office while wearing your full mafia regalia (including cape), therefore making the President look like a square. Because we all know that the title of King ALWAYS trumps the title of President. Then, as you are being driven away by your mafia, encourage them to make funny faces at the secret service because you pay them better than the President's protectors. After your visit, send a thank you note to the White House on your new stationary that is emblazoned with the slogan: “Graceland – Memphis Tennessee. Better than the White House because there is no Jungle Room or Purple curtains in the White House.” It seems over the top, but you'll feel so superior after doing it.

7. Give Cadillacs to everyone you come into contact with. Yes, I admit this one will be difficult given the price of the new 2009 Escalade and all. However, just remember it is worth it because you are buying affection AND loyalty.

6. Maintain an effective weight loss regimen by performing concerts in 60 pound, rhinestone studded jumpsuits. And pills. Take lots of pills.

5. Name your 737 after your only daughter. Or, just own a 737 – that's pretty impressive. By the way, the only celebrity I can think of these days who goes the 737 route instead of the Lear Jet route is John Travolta. Not enough celebrities fly around in their own personal airliners anymore. I'm guess this will change when Oprah and the rest of Hollywood see Obama step onto Air Force One for the first time. Yep, time to get stock in Boeing.

4. Take 2 slices of bread, a lot of peanut butter and slice up a few bananas. Then have your own kitchen lady fry it all together. Seriously, do this. It's deliciousness cannot be denied. If you Google “kitchen lady” I'm sure you can find someone.

3. Through the effective use of pills and dark drapes, make the daytime the nighttime and the nighttime the daytime. Then invite your in-laws over for lunch during the 'day.' Wait, this one is confusing even me.

2. When changing channels becomes too laborious, just shoot out the current program with a .45. It has far less buttons than I remote, I can assure you.

1. Fall in love with a severely underage girl, take her and her younger sister skating and stuff for 6 years and then marry her the minute Vegas says it's legal and have your child be born exactly 9-months to that very day.


Jennster said...

I would look silly sporting sideburns, esp black ones.

I took two tylenol to edge off my pending morning rush headache, does that count as pill popping?

Jennster said...
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Patti said...

I tried sideburns once, but they didn't really look that great.

I never had a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. I'm not sure I'd like it.

Can't think of any cleverness to add to your comments section. Have a good Friday ~

meleah rebeccah said...

I will be able to Celebrate Elvis's Birthday with number 6.

Especially the taking a lot of pills part!

Pawlie Kokonuts said...

a heap of burnin' hellos!

Anonymous said...

Can I just eat a peanut butter and banana sandwhich unfried and be done with it?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

magickat said...

What a great list! And noiw I know what I am having for lunch! Peanut butter and bananas in my sandwich press!

Hannah said...

But can my own kitchen lady have sideburns?

Employee No. 3699 said...

If I buy everyone a Cadillac, do I have to pay for their gas?!? Well, at least the price at the pumps has come down in recent months.

I'm not quite sure about that weight loss regimen. I mean the King was king-sized at the end.

Sorry I haven't been around much lately...going to catch up on all your posts that I've missed.


Mert said...

Haha! Great list. My personal fave is the pb/nana sandwich- of course I don't fry mine.

Jennster said...

Just a reminder that it has been ten days sense your last post, and you were doing SO good!

meleah rebeccah said...

Um...I agree with Jennster. Where is a new post?

Employee No. 3699 said...

Michael C, where you be? Come out, come out, where ever you are.

When you're here, I'm not. And when I'm around, you're not. We need to get N-Sync. “I Want You Back”. I’ll post more often, “This I Promise You”.

Employee No. 3699 said...
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Richard Whackman said...

Other possible additions to the list:

1) Have the president appoint you as a special anti-drug agent and have no sense of irony about your pill addiction.

2) Gain a lot of weight AND have a lot of girlfriends.

3) Get your face on a postage stamp.

4) Die on the toilet.