No Mr. Bond, I Expect You To Fly (In A Car I Stole From TV's Rob Petrie)

Now you may have realized the title above is the bastardized version of a great James Bond quote, but you probably have no idea why I stooped so low. That's what I will be spending the rest of this 'essay' explaining.

I should first preface all of this by stating that I am a simple person, a simple minded person to be more exact. But lest you confuse my simple mindedness for stupidity, let me remind you that I came up with the idea (after a little inspiration from my Facebook and real life friend Beau) of one of this year's soon to be biggest clothing fads – The GoodHood®. It's an attachable jacket or sweater hood that is waterproof and lined with my new eco-friendly multi-fiber blend called Flaneece, which is a wonderful flannel/fleece blend. (GoodHood® - Because if you aren't keeping your head warm, you might as well be naked) See, no simple minded idiot could come up with that. Right? Wait, let me rephrase that. I mean: NO, a simple minded idiot could NEVER come up with that.

Ok, now that I've got that painful preface out of the way, I can get down to the real reason of my writing today. I took a nap a little earlier, a semi-long winter's nap, if you will. And what to my wondering eyes did appear? Sorry, it's hard to get Christmas out of my system sometimes. What appeared was the twins watching “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.” Now I have never watched this movie, partly because the name makes me feel embarrassed when I say it, the original novel was written by James Bond creator Ian Fleming and I feel it is a rip-off of one of the things I hold most dear – Mary Poppins. Yes, I am comfortable enough with my maleness to admit that. Don't worry, before you get angry with me, I shall explain all of this in more detail...

...in this paragraph here. See, Ian Fleming is like a hero to me as a writer. Or even just as a guy with a really good imagination. Ian Fleming created James Bond. That pretty much indebts me to him for life. The idea that the same typewriter (it was a typewriter because I have seen pictures of it) that created such masterpieces as “From Russia With Love,” “Goldfinger,” “Dr. No” and “Casino Royale” could also have been responsible for a children's tale about a flying car is tough for me to stomach. Don't get me wrong, if the flying car was a silver Aston Martin DB5, I'd be ok with that, but that isn't the case.

Then there's the fact that another favorite of mine, TV's Rob Petrie is playing someone similar to Burt the chimney sweep from Mary Poppins, which is also hard to stomach. Not even a spoon full of sugar would make that one easier to go down. Yes, that was reaching a little bit, I know. I am a Dick Van Dyke fan (and not just because his name is as fun to say as Bishop Desmond Tutu's or Thomas Crapper's are), but I'd rather see him as Rob Petrie (oh Rob) or Burt, or maybe even any of the characters he played during his brief stint on the Carol Burnett show after Lyle Wagner left, presumably to do Wonder Woman, but I really haven't researched any of that and could be very, very wrong on all accounts there, except for the fact that TV's Rob Petrie was a cast member on The Carol Burnett show. Gee I hope you are still following along.

Lastly, what shocked me most was seeing German actor Gert Frobe in The Chitty Movie. You may not know who ole Gerty is, so I will tell you. He is Auric Goldfinger. Yep, he's the man, the man with the Midas touch. A spider's touch. Such a cold finger. Beckons you to enter his web of sin. But don't go in. Then comes the part where the James Bond theme slowly builds in the background, but you get the idea. Watching the man who told Sean Connery “No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die” with that great accent dancing and prancing around while singing in this 'other movie' was more than I was prepared to handle after waking from my nap. Let us remember that Goldfinger painted a pretty lady in all gold and it killed her. I realize I am typecasting here, but the same man who employed Odd Job with the deadly bowler's hat and Pussy Galore and her Flying Circus to raid Fort Knox has no place in the Disney world of Chitty.

In fact, I may need to go watch “Goldfinger” or “Mary Poppins” tonight just to restore my simple minded, typecasted memory of Ian Fleming, Gert Frobe and yes, TV's Rob Petrie. Or maybe I'll watch “Cannonball Run” instead. Wait, Roger Moore, Frank Sinatra AND Dean Martin were sullying their good typecasted names in that one? Oh boy. I think I need to lay down now...