An Ode To The Brick Of Sugary Christmasy Goodness

Perhaps it’s because my friend’s wife made me her personal fruitcake recipe recently or the terror induced giddiness that can only come from being one week away from Christmas and realizing I have only played 34% of my Christmas music collection, but I find myself unable to resist writing about the fruitcake.

I know what you are thinking- ‘that $#$#%#^%$ hasn’t written anything new all December and he chooses to make his first post about fruitcake? The Hitler of all Christmastime goodies?’ I guess the answer to that is yes, but don’t you think your use of the words ‘Hitler’ and ‘Christmas’ in the same sentence is akin to calling Engelbert Humperdink untalented? Let me help you out there. The answer is yes; yes it is akin to that. Very akin to that in fact. By the way, that’s a-kin, not Aiken as in Clay. No Clay here. Ever.

While the fruitcake has been maligned like Sarah Palin next to Katie Couric, I happen to like it and enjoy its candied taste. Yes, it’s a redheaded step child to other Christmastime offerings like candy canes, apple cider, eggnog, gingerbread men people, sugar cookies and ham basted in bacon salt and topped with drizzled honey and bacon fat, but it deserves its time in the sun, partly because its petrified outer shell is impervious to the sun’s rays, but that really defeats the argument I am trying to make here.

About now I should admit that I have never written an ‘ode’ before and am having trouble telling the difference between that and a ‘discourse,’ but will carry on. Not only is a fruitcake tasty, it is colorful. As humans, we are genetically predisposed to be attracted to brightly colored things, much in the same way that female birds and other lady members of the animal kingdom are attracted to brightly colored males of their species – for mating purposes, not for eating. Sorry, I should have pointed that out a little sooner. At the same time, we are also genetically predisposed to be wary of some brightly colored foods because many brightly colored berries and other fruit like offerings of native plants are actually poisonous. As you can see, we are essentially hardwired as humans to find the fruitcake as a pleasant sight, but are leery of actually consuming it because it can pose a risk to our health.

Also, I made that entire paragraph up, but admit it, my use of the word ‘predisposed’ made it seem very believable and gave me the sort of credibility that I am not normally known for. I was worried about using the word twice, but I think it helped my case – just like when I slip in the fact that I read Time Magazine for the articles. By the way, have I mentioned recently that I just renewed my subscription to Time? I did because I read it.

To be honest, I have no idea why people don't like fruitcake. Just like dipping apple slices in Ranch dressing, if more people tried it, they would realize how much they like it. Because it is the butt of jokes, most people ASSUME (and I don't mean 'assume' in the heroic 'I am venturing a guess based on way too little information' sense) that it isn't good and therefore choose to pass it up and make fun of it like they ridiculed the kid on the playground who used to dress like David Letterman and write his own Top 10 lists for his unappreciative classmates. If only they had bothered to listen to my that undisclosed person's Top 10 lists! Those fools!

Well, I guess I have run out of things to say, or to 'ode' about. In retrospect, I really didn't offer up any good reasons to actually go out and get a fruitcake but I am hoping that my enthusiasm for it and bravery in admitting that I do enjoy them will make you want to try just one slice. Let me be your fruitcake ambassador as it were. Wait, I'm not sure how that title will be interpreted...

To quote Obama - look, here's the the thing. Fruitcake has nuts (that's what she said), it has fruit, it has sugar, some even contain alcohol AND it's a lot more fun way to promote tooth decay than something like gum or coffee. See, you just can't argue with that. In fact, I am eating one while typing this. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I chipped a tooth...