The Obligatory Christmas Post

Well, December 22nd has descended upon us, which means the Christmas season is in full swing. I guess that means I better devote a few paragraphs to the holiday season. Let me help you set the mood. While I am typing this, Johnny Mathis is crooning ‘The Christmas Song,’ I am drinking coffee with peppermint mocha creamer, I have been stoking the fire, printing copies like a mad man of this year’s Christmas CD for our friends and family, have the twins beside me begging me not to pile them into the new minivan (yeah, I sold out, but it’s so convenient, so mind your own business) and lost my job. And I’m doing all of that while wearing my Santa Suit complete with wig, beard and old man glasses. I’m just kidding. Seriously, that suit needs to be handled with care at all times. I took it off before having breakfast this morning.

Yep, that special holiday feeling is here! Have you wished a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or Season’s Greetings to everyone you meet yet? If you haven’t the time is quickly running out. Have you already had to replace 2 strings of lights on the tree and had the highest, most unreachable light on your roof line go out yet? Did you buy that most specialist gift for your mom, only to have your dad whisk you upstairs during a recent visit to show you that he bought your mom the most specialist gift, which just happens to be the very same most specialist gift you got her – and he got it much cheaper! And most importantly, did you get your children, the sunshine of your life, that amazing gift your wife wouldn't let you get so you bought it 'for the children' that you just can't wait to see them open on Christmas morning? I mean really, what 6 year old twins with poor hand/eye coordination wouldn't just LOVE getting 'Guitar Hero' from Santa? Right?

To say I love this time of season would be about as obvious a statement as saying the scent of bacon can actually attract mean to a tea party. The lights, the great music, people having to be nice to me being nice to me out of their own good will, raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things. Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes, silver white winters that melt into springs, These also are a few of my favorite things – though I think way too many were listed there to qualify as being 'a few.' Gheesh, sorry about that. I just started and had to keep going (that's what she said). The holidays will do that to you, man!

Name any other time of the year when Andy Williams or Robert Goulet get as much airplay as Justin Timberlake or Beyonce. For that matter, name any other time of year where we watch 15 different versions of stop motion puppetry about a reindeer who has a highly cancerous bulbous extension on his nose that makes him a social outcast in a place where you'd think goodwill, peace, harmony, love and tolerance would be preached all year round.

I guess it sounds like I am coming off a little cynical about Christmastime, especially to those that really know me, by which I mean those who have been around me and have seen me weep when I find just that perfect piece of cheddar on the cheese plate at a social function. The truth is that I love this time of year – freakishly so and am trying to downplay it for this post. My joy of Christmas is about as freaky and strong as the teacher in Alaska or wherever who fell in love with her student, went to jail and then ran away and married him. Wait, I get the sense that isn't giving you quite the impression that I wanted it to.

Let me just say that I love Christmas and bask in it from Thanksgiving on - lights, music, merriment and all. I guess I was predisposed to liking the holiday in a stalker type way because of my birth date, which just happens to be Wednesday, Christmas Eve. Though don't worry if you didn't write it down; I'm sure I'll remind you again, Speaking of my birthday, why just this week I've watched 5 different versions of Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol' I've seen so many versions in fact that I now find myself unable to sleep at night for fear of being visited by spirits, which is far worse than being unable to sleep each night for fear that the twins will want to get in bed with us and talk the entire night about mundane things like the color of our dog Mabel's belly or how they remember that time (like 2 days ago) when they ate that really good corn dog at Disneyland. On second thought, I welcome the spirits. Ok, I realize that entire last paragraph really had nothing to do with my birthday, but it sure seemed like a good segue. You know, that part about me telling you that my birthday is this week...

So in conclusion (though I have no idea what I am concluding here because I never really did state anything – but I did get in one 'that's what she said' and one reference to cheese – so I guess this post was successful), enjoy these last few days of the wonderful holiday season. Remember the reason we are celebrating and have the merriest of Christmases with those that you hold dear or those that you like but have no desire to hold whatsoever. Also, thank you for being my friend and continuing to support my writing, even though most of it has been accomplished while under a haze of prescription meds that I am pretty sure have already begun embalming me from the inside out.

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!