Sunday, September 14, 2008

Is It Really Random If I Repost It?

I've wondered all weekend if it could really be a random post if I reposted it. Since I did randomly select this random post (at random, mind you) I feel comfortable in having this post maintain it's randomocity. Or randomicity, if you prefer. I have also wondered all weekend how to get out of going to work on Monday and then my truck died a thousands deaths over Saturday night. Its alternator or starter just stopped beating, to mix mechanical metaphors. Perhaps fate has handed me an answer for avoiding work on Monday. Yes, I shall call in and say I smashed my thumb.

Now, onto the random goodness. What better way to ease into the work week than to slowly drain the extraneous thoughts from our mind in the same manner that you’d wring out a rag after using it to wash your car. For some reason that doesn’t sound like a very desirable thing to do though, does it? That however is my cross to bear. Let the randomness begin…

* If Joe Cocker had a seizure while performing, how would you be able to tell?

* I like to hum while eating hummus. It just feels right. I do not, however, like being smashed between two objects when eating a sandwich.

* Want to feel like a complete failure? Get up early, get dressed to go walking, go downstairs, put your walking shoes on and then go back upstairs and get back into bed. You could try to be cool and call it a run-through, but you’d just be denying your laziness. Though, I did go up and down the stairs twice…

* Isn’t Rory Calhoun a great name? Would it surprise you if I told you that he starred in Westerns? These aren’t rhetorical questions. I really do expect an answer.

* ‘Midnight Train To Georgia’ has the BEST BACKGROUND VOCALS OF ANY SONG, ALL TIME, EVER. This is not a random thought. This should be made into law. In all 52 states. Wait, that doesn’t sound right…

* How to succeed in the office tip: no matter how slow your computer is, don’t spend the time waiting for it by spinning around doing full circles in your desk chair. Your boss will walk by. If you are prone to dizziness and vertigo like I am, then you’ve actually got TWO reasons why you should not engage in this activity.

* Tina Fey spoke directly to me last week. In one episode of 30 Rock, she made reference to not knowing about the latest news because the Food Network doesn’t have a news show and that she feels pocket-sized deep fryers would sell well. It’s like our minds melded or something. She cut to the very heart of my soul, which I think is anatomically impossible.

* I was reminded how tragically unhip I am earlier in the week when I was having a conversation with a coworker. She was telling me that she got bit by a mosquito and feared having the Nile West virus. I told her that wasn’t right and that Nile West was a rap singer. She laughed rather loudly in my face and told me that’s Kanye West. I later realized she meant West Nile, but was not around to vindicate myself for the Kanye/Nile West faux pas I committed.

* I spent almost 20 minutes explaining the difference between sautéed, grilled and BBQ’d to Ms. I Want To Go To Mime School the other day, but I ended up looking like the jerk. I’m thinking this might be related to the fact that she was having a conversation about cooking with another coworker that I happened to overhear and she never really did ask for my opinion on the matter. You are aware that grilled is different from sautéed, right? I’m mean it’s not just me, right?

* Do you think Barack has ever slept in a barrack?

* When any female member of your extended family tells you that she has to have surgery on her mouth, do not ever, under any circumstances, respond by saying ‘is that because you use it too much?’


Jay said...

I quite like your brand of randomocity.

Employee No. 3699 said...

Why no, since you asked, it did not surprise me that Rory Calhoun starred in Westerns.

justrun said...

Midnight Train to Georgia is the best car/shower/while-you're-vacuuming song in the world. And everyone can do the background vocals, which is why it's so awesome.

Definitely a difference between sautee and grill. It is not a geographical or even cultural thing. Definitely two different things.

cmk said...

I have always thought the same thing about Joe Cocker.

LilSass said...

1. This might be my favorite post of yours! So damn hilarious! (Why is it that I always spell hilarious with two ll's? ... in fact, I don't think that should be possessive with that apostrophe but I didn't know how to say 'why do I always spell hilarious with two ells'?) Oh hum

2. That picture of Joe Cocker looks like like Tom Hanks circa Bosom Buddies

3. I have totally sat on the couch to put on my running shoes and instead lifted them ONTO the couch and picked up the remote. There is no one on this planet not guilty that offense (except maybe A KENYAAAAANNNN!!)

4. I absolutely LOVE 30 ROCK!!! It's the best show to happen to tv in a long, long time.

5. re: The Nile West. LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!

6. I realize that I know absolutely nothing about your personal life. I am not interested in digging through your archives. I insist you email me right now and tell me EVERYTHING. Married? Life partner? Kids? Chihuahua? Ranch-style or double decker house? Nacho cheese or cool ranch? GO!

meleah rebeccah said...

"Want to feel like a complete failure? Get up early, get dressed to go walking, go downstairs, put your walking shoes on and then go back upstairs and get back into bed. You could try to be cool and call it a run-through, but you’d just be denying your laziness. Though, I did go up and down the stairs twice…"

Thats not failure. Thats basically the ONLY work out I've done in the last 2 years!!

Laura said...

I think you know how tragically unhip you are if you are a middle school teacher like me.
They let me know everyday that I live in dork country.
(At least they are pretty nice about it.)
Very funny post.

Patti said...

Funny post. I laughed the second time around, Michael.

Especially at the way you almost worked out then crawled back under the covers with your shoes on.

Maybe you should perform a mime as you explain stuff to Ms. I Want To Go To Mime School.

Just a suggestion ;-)