Tidbits, Trash And Leftovers

I started jotting down a lot of different things over the last week that I intended to become blog posts, but they never made it. So, I figured I would just post them all today in lieu of anything else. Grade A ‘round file’ material I’m sure this will all be…

Shop Talk
I was treated to another great philosophical discussion at lunch yesterday. We began talking about many different things and it ended with In The Office Two Times A Week Guy calling someone a ‘nut hole,’ which is apparently the combination of a nut job and an a—hole. It doesn’t seem to be as offensive and we all took to it immediately. After lunch, we continued the discussion (which means we tried to talk Female Coworker out of going to HR because we kept saying nut hole in front of her) as we attempted to explain that a nut (as in nuts and bolts) really does have a hole. Because that is true, it means a nut hole is a real thing, kind of like a donut hole, only the opposite and with much less mass. This led to me saying that if we were going to start using hardware pieces as substitutes for cuss words, we were forgetting to call someone we don’t like a ‘screw slot,’ which of course is the slot at the head of a screw. The conversation then further proceeded (some might say degraded) to which description (nut hole or screw slot) should be applied to men and which to women. I’ll let you figure out what we decided...but I did win the prize for being the first person to work nut hole into conversation in front of our boss.

Brush With Celebrity
I swear on almost everything that is just shy of being holy that I drove at least four blocks towards work yesterday morning along side of a truck that was being driven by Charlie Daniels. Why he was in Chino, California is beyond me but that is inconsequential. In my excitement upon arriving to work, I told two of my closest coworkers that I was just at a stoplight with Charlie Daniels. They were obviously awed by my good fortune until they laughed and said ‘this would mean a lot more if we knew who he was.’ I knew just what to say, so I told them it was the genius that recorded ‘The Devil Went Down To Georgia.’ It didn’t help. Had I told them about the soccer mom in the Escalade that looked a little like J-Lo, maybe I could have earned their respect.

Great Charity Idea?
Inspired by the celebrity-infested wreck of a telethon that was American Idol the other night; I sat down and started sketching out some rough ideas for another charity event. Since the city won’t give me a permit for elephants again and Alec Baldwin won’t return my calls, I think I settled on the next best thing. How about an arm wrestling match as a fundraiser? Phil Donahue vs. Oprah. The only problem is that Oprah would probably send Gail or Steadman or Dr. Phil to handle the match and they’d mop the floor with Donahue. Seriously folks, those last two sentences are what kept me up last night. I just liked the idea of Donahue taking on Oprah…

Is That A Joke?
Driving home the other night, I noticed the license plate frame on the car in front of me. It said ‘Alumni – The Betty Ford Clinic.’ My first thought was that it was a joke. I’m used to seeing ‘my kid is a star student at Dan Quayle Elementary,’ but the Betty Ford license plate frame is a little different. I am very proud of this person if they are indeed alumni of The Betty Ford Clinic, but I wonder if they had to purchase the frame at the Betty Ford Clinic Store or if it was part of their graduation.

Psychic Tendencies
During lunch earlier this week, Female Coworker expressed her appreciation of TV psychics. Our discussion then turned to how easy it could be for me to act like a great psychic. Notice I didn’t say ‘to be a psychic,’ just the ability to act like a good one. After all, I’ve always been good at performing (people are still buzzing about my 7th grade portrayal of the jumpsuit-era Elvis) and being a TV psychic is half performance. I shall now demonstrate my psychic like abilities…

I’m sensing a lot of things out in our audience today. I will now attempt to feel and reveal the thoughts of some of our visitors here today.

First off, I’m sensing that there is a man…or a woman in our audience here today who has blonde hair…or brown. That man…or woman is thinking about a relative…or friend of theirs who has since passed on…or is still with us. I’m sensing that you miss this person…or perhaps you hate them. That person is celebrating a birthday today…or recently…or they will have a birthday later this year.

The next person I’m sensing in the audience today is older…maybe younger…perhaps middle aged. They have unfortunately recently suffered a great loss…received a tremendous blessing…have had nothing new happen to them recently. This person wears glasses…or has perfect vision…could be blind. They are presently unemployed…no, just got promoted…maybe they just retired. This audience member has joined us today to connect with a lost loved one…is here with friends…had nothing better to do and received free tickets while standing outside earlier today.

See how easy it could be to pull off the psychic bit. It’s the same approach I’ll use if I ever become the manager of our office. I’ll just speak in generalities and try to cater to everybody. So, have a great weekend…or a bad one…whatever works for you…