Ashes To Ashes

With the possible exception of the Mt. St. Helens eruption, I can’t remember there being so much said about ashes in the news before. Obviously, I am stretching that fact in blogworthy desperation, but really, two stories about ashes in the same day begs some attention. Therefore, I am begging you to keep reading.

I used to think of the great scenes from ‘Diamonds Are Forever’ and the original ‘Ocean’s-11’ when I thought about cremation, but that has forever been replaced. Our first dusty diatribe is about the remains of James Doohan who played ‘Scotty’ on Star Trek. I think I wrote about this some time ago, but in case you weren’t aware, his family is sending his ashes into space. The rocket carrying his remains and about 200 others will launch from New Mexico later this month. Once in orbit, Doohan will join the remains of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry, which have been in space since 1997.

I guess there is really nothing wrong with that. Having your earthly remains circle the earth for years until its orbit decays and it falls back to earth in a tiny fireball seems like a fun thing to do. I’m sure Scotty’s loved ones will enjoy the fact that he is circling overhead every night. For the modest $495 fee, space travel is finally affordable. Of course for less than $50 you can put that special person’s remains into a model rocket and launch it tens of feet into the air, but I think you have to get some type of city HAZMAT clearance for it first.

I got a little ashen when I read this next one. It has often been said that the two things that would survive a nuclear holocaust (wasn’t the height of the Cold War fun) are cockroaches and Keith Richards. Well now we know the secret to his longevity. It’s a mixture of cocaine and human ashes – his father’s ashes. That’s right, I just read a story where Keith Richards admitted that he mixed his dad’s ashes with cocaine and snorted it (or him) after his death. One could argue that Keith was so inconsolably saddened by his father’s passing that he didn’t realize what he was doing. My guess is that he was not without an alternative mental influence when he decided to partake of his father, so to speak.

Do you think Mick Jagger and Ron Wood made mental notes not to be cremated when they read the same story? I bet this is just the type of good advance publicity that the nice and proper folks at Disney were hoping for to help promote the upcoming ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 3’ and Keith Richards’ cameo in it. It reminds me of that time back in 1964 when Julie Andrews was picked up for prostitution by local authorities on her way to the premiere of ‘Mary Poppins.’ Yes, I’m kidding. Or am I?

Well, if you have been considering cremation as a memorial alternative, hopefully Scotty and Keith Richards have provided you with two more options. It sure is a lot better way to be treated than having the cleaning lady accidentally knock the urn containing your ashes off the mantle and vacuuming them up only to discover in horror that she also emptied a large dust ball from the bagless vacuum when she filled the urn back up. Right?