Ring Of Fire

A company named Toto in Japan has some explaining to do according to Reuters. If you’re like me, you love a good toilet story. Yeah, I’m not sure that came out the right way, sorry. The company manufactures high-tech toilets. Don’t worry; the phrase high-tech toilet is new to me, too. Some of the features of their toilets include warmed seats, blow drying bidets and even air purification. Hmmm, all of these features being operated within a bowl that contains several gallons of water? Yes, their customers have been having problems with them. Almost 30 of their toilets have recently had problems with smoking or worse, fire. Fortunately no one has been injured (although would anyone really report having their backsides burned by a toilet) and the company is offering free repairs.

Now I thought that mankind had reached its technological peak when the singing mounted bass was unveiled, but the warming toilet definitely sits atop the technology throne (sorry, it just seemed so appropriate). You have got to want to reward the smart scientists who looked upon the conventional toilet one day, providing they weren’t sitting atop it, and decided to figure out ways to enhance it. Did they put the toilet in front of a blackboard and start writing down ideas and improvements on their science pads (which I think are the same as legal pads, with the exception that they were bought at one of the science supply stores like Beaker Depot or Test Tubes and therefore cost more)?

You know that the first thing mentioned was the dreaded cold toilet seat first thing in the morning. Really, when you give it a lot of thought, it’s amazing that something like this was ever invented. If everyone involved with the project was proper and well mannered, no one would admit any bad experiences they had suffered while on or around a toilet. Without the scientists’ experiences, no one would know what could be improved upon. I suppose the general public could send letters into the toilet manufacturers with their complaints or suggestions, but can anyone name the manufacturer of their toilet…without peeking? I said peeking…

The bidet is the thing I’m the most interested in. Until a coworker corrected me, I thought that it was a miniature beret, perhaps to be worn by a pony. I guess I really hadn’t thought it through. I also used to think a bidet was the fancy way of spelling and pronouncing ‘Biddy,’ but I called a biddy that once and it took two weeks for the ‘purse welts’ to heal. At any rate, the thing looks like a water fountain and apparently, it’s meant to wash parts down yonder. Well, that’s assuming that what I really saw was in fact a bidet and not a true water fountain. Either way, I don’t think I can ever drink from the public water supply again.

If you are wondering when these techno-toilets will arrive in the US, my guess is that it is now several months later than when originally anticipated. I can’t possibly imagine that Home Depot and Lowe’s are as excited now to begin stocking toilets that burn and smoke. It might be great for the gag shop in your local mall, but not for the discerning American public’s arse. Whoever thought that walking up to the bathroom door when someone is using the facilities and yelling ‘light a match’ would take on such a different meaning. But then I guess the discussion on bathrooms and toilets in our society has always been a ‘hot’ issue…