The Mutual Admiration Society Otherwise Known As My Office

Yesterday was the first day in quite some time that all of us were in the office. Boy do I wish we had cameras following us around. I just about used up all of my last special notepad that has my name on it writing down everything that went on. By the end of the day, my coworkers were saying ‘I have soooo much to blog about now’ along with me. It was a great blogworthy day. Ha, I fooled them though. I waited an extra day to post this.

Of course, yesterday started with all of us sitting around figuring out which former employees didn’t return their company issued digital cameras when they left the company. I must tell you that I still have mine, but then I haven’t found a new job yet…

As the day went on, we all switched back and forth between complaining that we didn’t have enough time to get our jobs done and talking in my office. No, I don’t think the two things are related. We also took an early lunch (about 11) and got back just after 1PM. Lunch may have been the highlight of the day. In attendance were new guy, female coworker and in the office two times a week guy. As soon as we got to our usual dive, we noticed that social oblivious guy from our staff was eating there with one of his clients. We politely said hello and then took our own table. As soon as we sat down, we realized that we all now had nothing to talk about since the client and that coworker were a mere two tables away and social oblivious guy and our clients are all we have to make fun of…I mean speak highly about.

After about twenty-five awkward moments of silence, female coworker admitted that she is thinking about getting the lap band surgery for quick weight loss, which is apparently not a belt that you can pull tighter whenever you want to eat less. This was followed by in the office two times a week guy telling female coworker that she was a fat a$$. Yes, right in front of new guy and me. To refresh your memory, this was the same male coworker who once referred to female coworker as the big lady carrying a death stick because she smokes. New guy choked on his lunch and I tried to get out of our booth since I was seated precariously between female coworker and in the office two times a week guy. Female coworker reacted in a very civil manner, given what had just occurred, by unleashing a string of F-bombs that will forever be referred to by me and in the office two times a week guy as ‘carpet-bombing.’ The fact that I started referring to female coworker as a B-52 Stratofortress certainly did nothing to smooth the situation. She unleashed another carpet-bombing that prevented me from explaining that the Stratofortress was the bomber that was used for our carpet-bombing in Vietnam. Lunch finally ended with me telling new guy how best to phrase the written statement that I am sure will be requested from all of us by our HR department. Our solid relationship as a team was further cemented when I stopped to refill my beverage on the way out of the restaurant only to notice that my coworkers were now half way across the parking lot. Those inconsiderate @!#%@$#$@!!!!!

After lunch, in the office two times a week guy came over to my cubicle while I was mumbling how disgusting it was that I had to clean my computer mouse. He sat over my shoulder undeterred while I took my mouse apart and by navigating the web with my keyboard's arrow keys, he showed me the website where we plan on ordering lots of work toys like USB Port Nerf Rocket Launchers and annoying sound machines. Why yes, our boss was gone at the time, why do you ask?

After we determined what we wanted to order from the website, in the office two times a week guy took a phone call from one of social oblivious guy’s clients and needed to transfer it to social oblivious guy’s extension. He politely asked us all for social oblivious guy’s extension and female worker shouted out in the office two times a week guy’s extension. When in the office two times a week guy realized it was his own extension and said something, we all prepared for another flight by the Stratofortress. None of us were disappointed.

Other than not working, the late afternoon led to a discussion about collagen injections for lips with the ladies in the break room and a conversation in the office two times a week guy had on his speakerphone. The break room discussion about lip enhancement was very enlightening and we all agreed that most celebrities who get it end up looking like the love child of Mick Jagger and Carly Simon. When the news program that was on in the break room showed the fire at Johnny Cash’s house, I told everyone to look quickly at the burning house and asked them if they saw the ring of fire. Sadly, the joke didn’t go over very well. I happily got to hear two times a week guy have a discussion on speakerphone with his girlfriend. I now know his nickname but promised I wouldn’t tell anyone…and that he can call me Mikey.

The day ended perfectly after our boss complimented female coworker for having the highest numbers of all four offices in our division. Though I don’t care much for competition, I can tell you that I was ranked third for our division, but it’s not important that I finished third. Just so you make sure, finishing third isn’t important to me. You got it? Yes, I finished third…no big deal though. Where was I? Oh yes, female worker just couldn’t stop bragging about her outranking us, so new guy made a very fake and sarcastic award to present to her (he’s going to fit in very well). Our boss even got in on the action and called the entire office together to present it to her. We gave her a hearty round of applause and as female coworker wiped the tears from her eyes, we yelled that now she could knock it off. She won; we admitted it and we’d better not hear about it again.

That is pretty much a typical day in our office. Despite the surface hatred, we all seem to like and trust each other. As I left yesterday, female coworker and in the office two times a week guy were contently talking and enjoying each other’s company. In fact, I only heard four carpet-bombs. I just wish I knew who stole all of my business cards and I wonder when new guy will decide to come back to work…