I Swear To Tell The Whole Truth…Yeah, That’s The Ticket!

Well, today is National Honesty Day. I guess it’s the day where we are supposed to come clean and be honest. We Catholics just call that confession, but I’ll play along since there is a lot of stuff I have been carrying around and need to get off my chest. I promise to observe the true intent of the day and be completely honest…more or less.

First off, I need to confess a few things to my coworkers. When Jeff Gordon wins a race, they like to give me a hard time when I arrive in the office the following Monday morning. I’ve always played along and laughed warmly with them. What they don’t know and what I need to be honest about is that after they are done ribbing me, I sneak outside into the back parking lot and start breaking wooden pencils to vent my anger. I also release a primal scream like Captain Kirk does when he’s stranded on the planet Genesis after being abandoned there by Kahn (uhhh, or something like that, not to be too specific). It doesn’t really help in any way, but it sure is dramatic. I also need to be honest and admit that whenever I bet my coworkers $5 that they can hit me in the part of my chest that has been numb since surgery, I have to retire to the restroom to whimper and massage my bruises. I guess I now have to give that money back? I’m sure it’s the honest thing to do.

It’s time for me to be honest about the juice stain on the living room floor. It turns out that Lucy and Ethel weren’t really to blame as originally thought. I was helping them pick up toys in there one day when Tavares’ ‘Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel,’ which appeared at the beginning of the ‘Charlie’s Angels’ movie, came on the radio. I decided it would be cute to teach the girls how to do the dance that Cameron Diaz did to that song but I made rear end contact with the juice cup, sending it spilling all over the carpet. Speaking of music, I’m also going to be honest about the fact that despite my previous assurances otherwise, I do indeed sing the high parts of Bee Gees songs to help me relieve stress. Go ahead and try it, it works very well. For some reason though, whenever I sing like that while driving, people think I’m yelling and cussing at them.

I wasn’t being so honest when my wife asked me what makes Danica Patrick so attractive. I told her that men think she’s hot because she drives a racecar. Well, that wasn’t so true. Men would think she was just as hot if she drove a school bus. Of course, I don’t feel that way. OK, I wasn’t being honest there. I do think that way. I have no idea what other men think. Boy, this honesty thing does feel better. One of the secrets I’ve been carrying around for the longest time is about something that happened back in high school. I promised my friend that I wouldn’t tell anyone that she stalled her brother’s automatic transmission car. However, I just couldn’t help myself and had to tell everyone. Seriously, how do you stall an automatic? Of course, I denied ever telling anyone. Yeah, I have no idea where she is now. She hasn’t spoken to me for the last 17 years.

There a few things I haven’t been honest about that actually aren’t bad. I alluded to it a few days ago, but now want to admit that I did invent the at home latte machine. Wow, I can finally take credit for it. I also created the concept of Starbucks for a project I had to do back in the 7th grade. And to think, Starbucks only paid me $250 for it. Why is it I feel like I ended up on the wrong end of that stick? I feel like a hand touching a cup of coffee that doesn’t have one of those cardboard cup protector things around it, which by the way, I invented too. Since I’m on a roll, I need to tell you that I also created the idea of ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.’ My initial choices for hosts were either Alec Baldwin or Don Imus. Man am I glad ABC talked me into going with Regis. Finally, I am so proud to be able to confess to blogsville that after so many years I can now take credit for creating downloadable music. Ooooh boy, maybe I shouldn’t have admitted that. Yeah, since the recording industry will probably come after me now, I should go ahead and tell you that New Coke was my idea too. Please, be gentle.

My heaviest burden is felt at work. For four years, every good idea our office has come up with has been mine. Since I am such a team player, I’ve allowed all of my coworkers to take the credit. OK, I have to be honest again, that’s not true. I’ve been trying for four years to bribe my coworkers with a free lunch so that they would give me their ideas. Maybe I should start taking them somewhere a little nicer than McDonalds as the best idea I have been given so far is to start having crazy suspenders and bow tie Mondays. I seem to be the only one participating and can’t shake the feeling that it was all a big joke.

Well, I feel much better having celebrated National Honesty Day by being so honest with all of you. One last confession though, I made most of this up because I had nothing else to write about today. Hmmm, on second thought, maybe honesty doesn’t feel so good after all…trust me…although I guess I’ve given you no reason to.