Ain’t She Sweet?

To many men, I’m sure that the old idea of a pistol-packing mama is pretty cool. Add to that the fact that the PPM is a former Miss America and the deal gets even sweeter. Oh, did I mention that she was crowned Miss America in 1944? The AP ran a story the other day that no matter how hard I tried, I could not resist. It seems the former 82-year-old Miss America caught a thief trying to leave her farm and managed to shoot out the intruder’s tires. The best part of the story (and the part that I’m sure will get mentioned on Saturday Night Live this weekend) is that she had to balance her .38 pistol on her walker as she fired the shots. Woo hoo baby, does it really get any better than that?

In light of all the recent beauty pageant contestants being defamed for various activities, it’s so refreshing to see one that can actually be heroic and worth celebrating. I’m not sure if this beauty queen is always packing heat or just happened to have her gun holstered in her walker, but after already having farm equipment stolen from her barn, she was prepared this time. You know, the last time I went shooting, I did miss a couple of targets. I’m sure I could get my health insurance to spring for a walker in order to help improve the accuracy of my shot. If you’re anything like me, and we all know none of you are, you might be thinking if she’s such a good shot now at 82, she must have been a great shot back in her prime, like around 1944. Hmmm, makes you want to watch the 1944 Miss America pageant a little closer now doesn’t it.

We always think that Miss America is only capable of singing, dancing, maybe juggling, prancing around in a bathing suit and waving and smiling for the cameras at public appearances like the opening of new shopping malls, Crazy Ed’s Used Car and New Stereo Barn and the commissioning of new battleships. Perhaps we have gravely underestimated what our current and former Miss Americas can do.

I say it’s time to alter the Miss America Pageant to make it more modern for our times. Heck, isn’t it now broadcast on CMT for bejeweled crown’s sake? You know, target practice would be right up the CMT viewer’s alley. If the great teacher that is television has taught us one thing, isn’t it that whatever we see on TV is the only indicator of what’s cool, acceptable and necessary to fit in? Yes, of course it is. That’s why we need to make the Miss America contest more closely resemble reality TV – the barometer of our times.

On the first night that the contestants from around the country converge on Atlantic City, they should all be told after dinner that whoever is voted the ugliest by her peers will be sent home that night. It’s cruel, but I’m sure it will make great TV. The rest of the women will be allowed to stay in the Miss America house unless they lose competitions, or ‘challenges,’ held throughout the week leading up to the big telecast. One challenge will be the ability to cross a major thoroughfare with one of her high heels broken. Does anybody remember the 1980s video game Frogger? I kind of picture it being like that.

Another contest will be a singing competition where everyone has to perform a Captain and Tennille classic (don’t mock, there may be more of them than you think) and then be judged by teachers who wear ascots from America’s most prominent performance colleges, if there are such things. If not, any three people from the slots closest to the doors of an Atlantic City casino will do. Finally, they will have to be paired with a professional athlete or mathematician in a ballroom dancing competition. There, I think I covered all of the staples of what makes television good. Oh wait, I forgot Oprah. Yes, they have to appear on Oprah and say something just wild about themselves.

These challenges will whittle the competition down to the top ten where of course the winner will be selected by phone voting participation. But here’s the catch, the phone numbers can only be dialed in India and the former Soviet Block. The winner will be revealed and crowned Miss America the next day during a live 7-hour star-studded television event. Presenters, performers and seat fillers shall include A-list celebrities like Fred Willard, Sherman Helmsley, the voice of the Geico Gecko, Donny Most, Alec Baldwin’s daughter, Pope Benedict, The A-Team and Battlestar Gallactica’s Dirk Benedict (no relation), fishing pro Hank Parker Junior, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger and Celine Dion. The new Miss America will immediately be signed to a Broadway contract to star in my fledgling musical production of ‘Welcome Back Kotter,’ starring Squiggy as Horshack.

And that folks is why I still have yet to be offered a TV development deal. Did I mention the dancing flamingos marching to GI Blues?