I Blame Dancing With The Stars

The AP is reporting that a young woman in Chicago is suing a man that she claims was responsible for (and get this) ‘negligent dancing’ during a work event that she had to attend. During the event, the man picked her up and as a result, she fell to the ground on her head suffering skull and brain injuries. The story didn’t describe the severity of her injuries, but she was able to be quoted. I blame ‘Dancing With The Stars.’ It has made people want to dance all of a sudden when most of them have no right doing so.

I used to think that my form of uncoordinated herky-jerky moves were classified as ‘negligent dancing,’ but since the only pain anyone ever experienced from my master moves was stomach pain from laughing so hard, I guess it should have been called something else. Dorky comes to mind. My main motivation in the three or so times I have danced in the last twenty years (including my wedding but not including the Macarena, because I still hush the floor when I do that one) is observing other people dancing and then making fun of them. Yes, I have had to leave the dance floor in a hurry a few times. Apparently, I can be accused of negligent working, negligent dishwashing, negligent listening, negligent husbanding, negligent driving, negligent thinking and negligent blogging, but not ‘negligent dancing.’

While it used to be easy to look proficient by pointing your finger to the sky like John Travolta while dancing, ‘Dancing With The Stars’ has raised the amateur dancing bar. Well, at least when the Bee Gees aren’t being played. Now, you have to be able to do a few steps of the Tango, Jitterbug, Paso Doble and I think the Mashed Potato in order to look respectable while dancing.

This accident is the type of thing that can have far reaching repercussions. I can just picture all the high school kids across the country standing around listening to music during their proms after the no-dancing rule is enforced out of fears of injuries caused by ‘negligent dancing.’ Although I never saw it, wasn’t ‘Footloose’ the story of kids at a high school where there were ‘negligent dancing’ fears? Oh wait maybe that was ‘Top Gun.’ I know Kenny Loggins sang in both of them. No, I think ‘Top Gun’ was the one where Tom Cruise was a racecar driver. If that’s right then which one was he a pilot in? Oh yeah, ‘Risky Business.’

Maybe the more important issue here is for employers to stop having parties that are mandatory or where dancing can occur. I think the injured woman should consider suing her employer. If the party had not been mandatory, she would not have done a swan dive into the dance floor. After all, the man who threw her into the air was just acting in the spirit of the party that they were attending.

This is a sensitive issue for me because of something that happened while at work today. I was driving with female coworker and suffered head trauma in her vehicle. She was driving while I dropped my cell phone and immediately bent down to pick it up, as most people would. While bending over, I struck my head on the dashboard handle over her glove box. The collision was violent and I haven’t been thinking clearly since. I think, I don’t know, I really can’t remember now. What was I talking about again?

Upon further inspection, I noticed that the handle was neither padded nor rounded. It was essentially a weapon aimed directly for me. I figured if a lady could sue the ‘negligent dancer’ then I could sue her, the vehicle manufacturer or my employer. If we hadn’t had to leave the office on official business, I would not have struck my fragile head.

Assuming I had an airtight case, I opened the phone book and began calling the first accident lawyers I saw. If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it’s that if someone can afford a Yellow Pages ad, then they must be doing well and if they are doing well they must be reputable. The first few I called sounded promising until I heard the sounds of sirens in the background followed by the sound of them hanging up on me. Another one asked if I was wearing a neck brace and the one after that said if I wasn’t seeing double they couldn’t do anything for me. I tried a few more and was advised they did not want to take my case. I guess if an accident lawyer won’t take my case, it isn’t as airtight as I thought. Darn, I really thought I had something going here. Oh well, maybe I can at least guilt female coworker into closing for me tomorrow. I’ll probably drop my case against her if she agrees…and buys me a milk shake after lunch.