I spend quite a lot of time talking about the foods I enjoy. Bacon, cheese, lobster, BBQ, ice cream and saltine crackers (ok, bet you didn't know about that last one. You know, I enjoy little wafers of salt soaked cardboard from time to time). However, I want to talk about the foods (or just one – I haven't thought that far ahead in my writing yet) that I hate. OK, 'hate' is to tame a word. If I am within the same kitchen as it, I deform and start singing show tunes.
What is this food concocted by Satan himself? It is celery. I know that lots of people (by lots I mean the 3 that read this) are recoiling in their chairs right now because they probably enjoy it (I mean celery, not recoiling in their chairs). But seriously, I think dog food must taste better. Actually, I know this as fact. Because I once tried a piece of doggy beef jerky once. It looked so good. That was before I bit into it. Still, that was still better than the stalk of the devil.
The smell sets off an alarm in my head and of course I begin singing the show tunes. If there is a piece on my plate I start getting into the fetal position and of course I begin singing the show tunes. And if there is one mixed into the food I WAS going to eat, I develop a type of turrets and you know about the show tune part.
Why do so many people cook with it. It's in soups, stuffing, sandwiches, potato salad and the list goes on. Does the smell not affect other people? Is it my cryptonite (well, it is green...)? Just cutting through a piece is like food carpentry. The texture is like having a piece of wood soaked with (uh...I really must start thinking through my posts before I begin writing). Let's just say the texture bothers me...a lot.
Well this is the only time I will ever write the word 'celery' out again. I feel dirty. And seriously, how do people put peanut butter on it and call it a snack?? Peanut butter is one of the toppings on the Mount Rushmore of Toppings. And people defile it by putting it on the symbol of what is evil and wrong with this world.
I do however like rhubarb, which is structurally like celery. I haven't figured out why that is. I have actually seen a shrink to determine why, but when I get on his couch I fall asleep and he's so kind that he doesn't wake me up (at least I think that's why he doesn't wake me up...)
So in closing, please do not serve celery while I'm around!! Well, unless you like show tunes...