Jokes So Bad They Could Forever Change Your Opinion Of Me...

Perhaps it’s my constant late night viewage of Conan, Letterman and Jimmy Fallon recently that has awakened a yearning I long since put to rest. Or maybe it was because I was the kid at elementary graduation that told everyone “I want to be a late night talk show host like David Letterman or Johnny Carson when I grow up” when asked what I wanted to be when I got older after receiving my fake diploma or $5 gift card to Pizza Hut or whatever I got. While all the other kids wanted to overpopulate the medical fields and teaching fields and litigation fields and ball fields, I was the once who sent his parents running for the exists with their faces covered.

But I digress, or actually progress, to current day. Watching all of the Late Night talkage lately has awakened something in me, and you know exactly what I’m talking about if you have had the extreme misfortune of reading my updates lately on Facebook or Twitter. I’ve been making a lot of bad jokes, but trying to hide them under the description of “Really Bad Jokes That I Think Are Swell.” These all are what you could call groaners. I’m just warning you now…

Since I haven’t blogged in a little while, I thought I would share them here, all bullet style and stuff. I’d say that I would make this a new weekly feature on the blog, but as many of you know, and have taken the time to remind me, I really don’t post weekly, let alone monthly anymore…

So, I present to you the first ever installment of (cue the overproduced and expensive intro clip…) Really Bad Jokes, Even Though I Think They Are Swell:

* I'm thinking of applying to culinary school, but saw no courses that specialized in microwave management or cheesy goodness. Perhaps I should just put that idea on the back burner. Get it, cooking/back burner, like it's on a stove?? *Sigh* It loses the humor when I have to explain it to you...

* Apparently, I sleep walked once...and made $150 bucks. Should this concern me?

* Do you think Presidential candidates ever use "I promise to make YOU a priority in my administration) as a pick up line?

* I went Joaquin along a River in Phoenix once. Just thought you should know...

* BLACK JACK!! I now have 21 followers on Twitter! I should have stopped at 12 though. Then for a brief instant, I might have been able to know what being Jesus felt like. And cue the lighting strike atop my head in 3...2...1...

* Have you ever put a lot of creamer in your coffee when you had a cold and were all phlegmy? At that point, I think we can all agree that it just becomes a cup of coughy...

* I knew I was in trouble in my college art class when the professor asked me if I knew about art and I answered, "you mean like Garfunkel?"

* Some sad news from Jim Henson's camp. They ran out of foam when working on the new Muppets feature. Apparently they had to use what they had at the studio, floor mops. I guess now they're the Mopets? Waka, Waka, Waka...

* Millions could end up without TV today because of the big digital conversion. Funny enough, no one is complaining. Oh that's right, Jon and Kate Plus 8 is on tonight...

* The inventor of the salad bar died today. I just wanted you all to know. Lettuce have a moment of silence...