Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A New Post Doesn't Write Itself

It occurred to me the other day that I hadn't written a 'new' blog post in a 'few days.’ I'm not sure how I let those 'few days’ elapse, but I figured I should get back on the horse, or keyboard in this instance, and start writing again. The only problem was that when I sat on the keyboard, all that came out was this: ru8ot goihjudfuhjugrehgughghujgh. And as you can see, that phrase is only funny if you are from the Anhui Province in China, which you are most likely not, especially if you read this blog. Though if you actually find yourself enjoying this blog, perhaps you are from that province and have no basic concept of reality or the English language.

And speaking of Provinces, I had several good ideas and topics to share with you in this post that have been accumulating during the last 'few days’ of my absence. The only problem is that I am heavily medicated, which has reduced my memory to the capacity of a chicken embryo's bladder, though I will try to recount as many of them as I can. Consider it sort of a ‘what I did during by mental break down.’

If I remember correctly, I'm pretty sure I was able to come up with a solution to our current economic chaos, but then I got the craving for soft serve ice cream and forgot to write it down. Although I think it involved purchasing the two dark blue properties in Monopoly and a pyramid scheme about either blocks of cheese or stem cells. I do know that part of my solution centered around Craig's List and our country's most famous landmarks – notably the birthplace of Fred Willard. But that's all a pipe dream now as I cannot for the life of me figure out how to connect the dots that I do remember. Oh yeah, there was also something about rebuilding our Y2K shelters (assuming you were actually foolish enough to take yours down in the first place) and the phrase 'Under the Mattress Savings and Loan,' if that helps.

Then there was my preoccupation with archaeological shows on cable. I really, really got into these things. It turns out that they are as abundant on TV during the day as are TV ads for ambulance chasers, career training schools and lawyer commercials where it looks like they were filmed in a library. It got to the point that I started digging holes in the back yard to satisfy my archaeological desire (and yes you are correct in saying to yourselves right now that you never thought you would see the words ‘archaeological’ and ‘desire’ in the same sentence). However, through my digging, I did discover that the previous owners of my home had buried their very large greyhound dog under our peach tree. Don’t worry, I’m kidding. We really don’t have a peach tree in our backyard. I mean seriously…

I also learned in my ‘down time’ that I am not as flexible and resilient as I used to be. This became neonally obvious to me when I decided to take Lucy and Ethel to a park to play a few days ago. I got the urge to use the swing set and then decided to show everyone at the park that I was Sky King of the Swings and jump out of the swing onto the ground. My dismount, or dis-swing, felt great. I even got enough air to pose for my wife’s camera before my descent began. (Editor’s note: this is where the upbeat tone of the story changes dramatically). At first it felt like I stuck the landing as if Bela Karoli himself had come to me in a dream and shared with me his divine gymnastic learnings and such.

The only problem is that the next thing I knew was that I was hitting the ground on all fours like a cat tossed from a 4-story window. I skidded for a few feet across the wood shavings laid down around the swing set. Only these weren’t those fancy recycled rubber tire shreds made to look like wood shavings, these were the real ‘grown from the ground up’ wood chips. It turns out that wood chips are so plentiful that they do grow on trees after all. Although I did slice my knees open, which is always a hoot when on blood thinners, it’s a darn good thing I didn’t break a leg or a wrist because my wife was laughing so hard that she would have been in no position to assist me. Nor would the 7 or so other children and 7 or so other adults and those snide no-good teenagers that actually pointed at me while they laughed. (For those of you addicted to Facebook as I am, there are two lovely before and after pictures at my Facebook page, courtesy of my loving wife).

As frightening as that story may sound, I have an even scarier one – you know, with Halloween and The Great Pumpkin coming and all. I almost consented to buying a mini-van over the weekend (sorry Ed and Beth, I know you have one, but you are still family to me). I swore even before we had children that if my wife and I ended up as Jon and Kate plus 50 that I would never purchase a mini-van. It seduced me though with all the room and sliding doors, its 3 fancy rows that beckoned me to rest my rear end upon them and the most sexy part – the little arm rests that you could put down to turn the seats in the front two rows into captain’s chairs. Double darn that feeling of being able to feel like Captain James T. Kirk while piloting your own vehicle. Fortunately, it was at a stop light while driving the devil’s vehicular spawn when I looked over to the SUV beside us and was rocked back into reality. My hand still trembles at the thought of having almost become a mini-van man, though the doctor says it’s the meds causing the trembling. That fool! (Remember to say that phrase while dramatically slamming your fists onto the desk to get the full effect). Obviously she is of the mini-vanners and can no longer be trusted.

Fortunately my clouded state of brainular activity has experience a slight upswing. Yesterday I triumphantly purchased my first carton of Eggnog of the season – yes, the season that has not even begun yet. Although my math skills aren’t up to par, I believe yesterday’s purchase puts my streak of being able to enjoy eggnog just before and during Halloween night somewhere between 8-10 years now. I really think I can become the Cal Ripken Iron Man of early season eggnog consumption. Don’t believe me; just check my late October blog postings for the last two years. I am actually enjoying the creamy, sweet beverage now. And as an added bonus, I can really feel it’s artery clogging properties taking affect as I attempt to write this.

So thanks to everyone who emailed me during the last few days, by which I can now acknowledge was approximately 8 or so weeks. It meant a lot and even made me want to write again, even though I stole this post word for word from an article in this month’s Reader’s Digest. But let’s just keep that between us, ok?

23 comments:

Sizzle said...

Good to see you back. :-)

I'm so relieved you skipped the mini van purchase!

meleah rebeccah said...

Damn it. Someone beat me here first?

*steam out of ears*

Okay okay. Now going to read all of this. Every single word. Man, I have MISSED YOU....

meleah rebeccah said...

"The only problem is that I am heavily medicated, which has reduced my memory to the capacity of a chicken embryo's bladder, though I will try to recount as many of them as I can..."

I think they heavily medicate us TO FORGET, because when we cant REMEMBER why, or what we were thinking, we might be happier people!

"lawyer commercials where it looks like they were filmed in a library"

HA HA HA Thats soo funny because ITS true!

"I even got enough air to pose for my wife’s camera before my descent began"

Where is THAT photo? Must See!

"(For those of you addicted to Facebook as I am, there are two lovely before and after pictures at my Facebook page, courtesy of my loving wife)."

Oh hell yes, Im stalking that next.

"So thanks to everyone who emailed me during the last few days, by which I can now acknowledge was approximately 8 or so weeks. It meant a lot and even made me want to write again"

Oh good. I am glad my incessant emails were helpful.

xxxxoooo


So Good To Have You Back.

Stacey said...

There's something on Facebook besides Word Twist?

It seems like a lot of bloggers have been on hiatus lately. Glad to see you're getting back into the swing of things.

Amy said...

I wish I was at the park...I would have been right next to your wife...giggling...of course after I see a smile on your face.

Egg Nog...wished I liked the stuff...I love the whole ambiance of Christmas and that goes right along with it...but, I just can't get past the creaminess and the thick texture...I don't like milk either.

The Great Pumpkin is on tv tonight...watch with the twins...it kicks off the Holiday snoopy watching...red baron...can't wait!

Glad you got back to writing at least for today...

sharilyn said...

ah, eggnog!! how i love its thick, creamy dreamy texture and most delicious taste, hot or cold...sprinkled w/freshly ground nutmeg! gotta get me some! didn't realize it was out yet!

last year i got smart and filled an ice cube tray with my last carton of the season and was able to enjoy a bit frozen and/or in my coffee very out-of-(eggnog)season! i thought i was brilliant!! (ssklahnathotmail.com)

justrun said...

Good to "see" you. Also, thank you for naming what it seems I have right now: clouded state of brainular activity.

Also, SO glad you didn't fall prey to the minivan monster. I would have seriously had to reconsider our blogship.

Employee No. 3699 said...

As I've heard, to live the American Dream you must have a minivan, a house in the suburbs, a dog and 2.5 children. If you buy the minivan, you only need .5 more children. I'm not sure how you would accomplish that feat, so therefore you can not buy the minivan. Even though the name Minivan-Man might suit you, I'm voting a resounding 'no'.

As far as the eggnog goes, try making french toast with it using thick bread. It is quite delish.

Patti said...

It's good to see you back in the blogging saddle. I can't believe I didn't check last night to see if you had posted. I've been checking up on you daily...

Glad you got yourself some of that egg nog to kick off the season of holiday cheer.

I am going to try to remember how to go on Facebook (I did join although I believe I am the third oldest person on there, after my two cousins who talked me into joining so I could look at old family photos)

Have a great Wednesday ~

Mel Heth said...

Mmmmm eeeegggnoogggg. You'd probably like to know that Trader Joe's is selling prepackaged fondue right now, too. It's mighty tasty. But a seasonal item - so stock up!

Going to check out your Facebook page now... :) Glad you're not too hurt - and glad you're back to writing!

magickat said...

"He's baaaaaaaaaa-aaack".

LOVE IT!!!! Actually snarfed a bit while reading this. YAY!

Selma said...

It is so good to read one of your posts again. You really are the Eggnog King and now the King of the Dis-Swing.

I do hope you are feeling better and I wanted to let you know that despite my lack of email activity I have been thinking of you. They played 'Saturday Night Fever' the other night at two in the morning on TV. I watched it because I couldn't sleep. When the intro strut of 'Staying Alive' began, I immediately thought of you.
Take care, dear Michael!

best bud's wife said...

HA Ha! I have one thing to say -
Only a man truly comfortable with his masculinity can confidently and unashamedly drive around in a burgundy minivan. ;-)

Parlancheq said...

OMG, if you had bought a mini van I would have had to remove you from my fave blog list. :)

okiesister said...

Mmmmm, soft serve ice cream......

Thanks for the smiles today. Your swing story reminded me of my hubby. He frowns at me when I take pictures of him on the way to the ER, but one day he will appreciate me docuemting his boo boo's.

Michele said...

As your "twin" I feel somewhat ashamed that I had no idea you were writing blog posts again. Then again, I've really fallen behind on all things blogular, so I do have somewhat of an excuse. I didn't say it was good. ;)

That said I have to say, once I read about your swinging incident, I rushed straight over to your Facebook profile to check out the pics. But there weren't any! That saddened me.

Anyhoo, that bit had me cracking up, and somewhat reminds me of my unfortunate hang gliding incident.

And this paragraph?

"Double darn that feeling of being able to feel like Captain James T. Kirk while piloting your own vehicle. Fortunately, it was at a stop light while driving the devil’s vehicular spawn when I looked over to the SUV beside us and was rocked back into reality. My hand still trembles at the thought of having almost become a mini-van man,"

Still has me rolling with laughter, which is very easy to do, as I've been consuming large quantities of egg nog, and have now taken on the shape of a egg.

Long story short, Good to see you back in the blog o sphere!!

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