This Post Will Be Easy

When I checked one of the ‘today’s highly questionable but somehow official holidays are’ websites, I was struck immediately by the fact that today (1/16 when I am writing this) is National Nothing Day. So, today’s post will strive to honor such a meaningless and insignificant holiday.

I have no idea who created this holiday but in the spirit of the day, I really don’t care. I say this knowing full well that it’s probably someone who I could get along with very well. How does one celebrate National Nothing Day? Let’s just say I don’t figure on writing too many more paragraphs today. It is a shame though that National Nothing Day happens to occur when it does because I really need to get busy planning Friday’s big 500th Post Extravaganza and Meat Buffet. I have to line up guests who I made fun of in my 499 previous posts (which strangely enough is proving very difficult to do), figure out how the heck to get a fireworks permit, come up with an illness I haven’t already ‘had’ so that I can miss work, find a juggling elephant and convince Giada DeLarentis to cater it for me. I still haven’t heard from the cast of Happy Days and am beginning to think that the publicist for The Dave Clark 5 was messing with me when he said that my backyard would host the reunion of the greatest British band ever. OK, the 6th greatest British band ever. And if that wasn’t enough, I also have to spend National Nothing Day actually trying to write my 500th post because having the 500th post is kind of the point of the whole thing. Sadly, no one rewards 499.

‘Oh he wrote 499 posts? That’s nice dear, but it’s not like he wrote 500. Writing that one extra post would have been so much more impressive. No, I’m not baking a cake for him for only 499. We’ll send him a muffin. No, muffins are for real achievers. We’ll send him a card. Wait, a card is too much. We’ll send a postcard. The boy can get a cake when he writes 500. That slacker…’

I also discovered that one of the listed ‘holidays’ for Thursday is called Judgment Day. Seriously, Judgment Day. Two things went through my mind when I read that: OH CRAP and HUH? I think finding out that not only is judgment day coming, but knowing when it is coming easily explains the ‘oh crap’ reaction. But the ‘huh’ relates to the fact that we weren’t supposed to know when judgment day would come. I think that was part of the point of it all. Knowing now kinda takes the fun out of it, like knowing about a surprise party thrown in your honor before you get to the party. With the pointed exception that most surprise birthday parties don’t have the possibility of ending up in hell. And it also means that I am now going to have to spend both National Nothing Day and Judgment Day praying for forgiveness. And that’s BEFORE my 500th Post Extravaganza and Meat Buffet. Imagine all the forgiveness I’ll be asking for after that.

Well, I have written far more than I wanted to while trying to celebrate National Nothing Day. Now I’m done. Off to do nothing. Except for a trip to the grocery store. And some ironing. And the twins need a bath. This holiday is not turning out the way I had hoped it would. I’ll just make up for it on National Goof Off Day (March 22, seriously. Why would I make up something like that?), provided Judgment Day goes better than anticipated.