Ten Reasons I Should Not Have Gone Into Work Wednesday

10. By 11AM, I had offended 3 of the 5 women in our office. Apparently, telling a coworker that she moves very fast for an 8 ½ month pregnant woman is not seen as the compliment that I intended it to be.

9. It turns out that greeting each and every person in our office by name every time I passed them at their desks both coming and going in an effort to lighten the mood of our office did not work like I thought it would. How do I know this? I was asked to stop greeting each and every person in our office by name every time I passed them both coming and going.

8. For some reason, when I was putting important dates on my calendar, I mistook Wednesday, January 23rd for Wednesday, January 30th. Turns out my boss didn’t. I think this was because an important report was due today – January 23rd and not next week - January 30th, like I thought it was when I wrote it on my Dunder-Mifflin/Office calendar.

7. I was asked to stop singing Hank Jr.’s ‘Whiskey Bent and Hell Bound’ by a coworker as I was singing it while finishing up a report. Though in all honesty this is not the first time that has been requested of me.

6. The vent directly over my desk seems to think it’s mid-August. It didn’t help that every time someone walked into my office they felt they had to mention how cold it was. Though in hindsight, I guess I really didn’t have to reply to them by saying ‘I know, that’s why I’m shivering, you du-mass.’

5. I’ve always felt that showing up 15 minutes after everyone else was a great way to ensure that I didn’t have to wait for the coffee to brew when I get in because it’s already finished when I get there late. This was one of those days though when someone had left only 7 drips in the pot believing it was completely acceptable. I’ve got a tip for ya: it’s not acceptable, or considerate.

4. I annoyed a few of my coworkers when I decided it would be fun to talk like Richard Nixon from about 1pm-2pm. Well, to quote tricky Dick: ‘they won’t have me to kick around anymore.’

3. I left the lunch I had packed this morning on the kitchen counter. Though I ended up going out for burgers and fries at a great choke ‘n puke, so that one didn’t end up so badly, but I don’t feel like rewriting reason #3, so I’m going to keep it included in this list.

2. Three coworkers walked into my cube to get my input on something. I know this doesn’t sound so bad, but let me also tell you that it was also the exact moment when Barry Manilow’s ‘Copacabana’ was playing on my Ipod. It must not be as popular a song as I thought it was because all three of them responded with a ‘what the hell is that?’

1. The break room vending machine was just stocked with Diet Dr. Pepper in cool retro cans but the knob to select it doesn’t work. Now I know how all those people felt at the end of the ‘Got Milk’ commercials when their mouths were stuffed with cake and they realized they were out of milk. Only difference – I hate cake and don’t like milk. Other than that though, I feel just like those people. To make it worse, one of the girls in the office walked in as I was complaining about the broken knob. She took my quarters, inserted them and out came a can of Diet Dr. Pepper. I told her that if I didn’t fear a visit from HR that I would hug her and then discretely asked her to just keep this incident between the 2 of us. Although I don’t think she heard me because she was laughing so hard.