I Know Where He’s Going To End Up…

The AP reported that a burglar in Texas made off with some special booty recently. Was he a pirate? No, I just felt like typing the word booty. The thief broke into a car only to find the local Bishop’s crown sitting there just waiting for him. And yes, for the record, he stole it.

Now, I imagine there are two sides (one good, one bad) to stealing an important accessory from a religious figure. On the positive side, you (as a burglar) have that whole Judeo-Christian ‘forgiveness’ thing working for you. I suppose that means you can parade around for a week or two with the crown, take pictures with it, let your dog wear it, put it on the dashboard, get all Bishopy with the spouse, reenact a chess game using real people, wear it for your league night down at the bowling alley, wear it to the Lakers game so you get on the jumbo-screen or teach your cat to jump through it. And then after all that, you can return it quietly and anonymously guilt-free, knowing that you are forgiven.

The downside of course is that you have STOLEN A BISHOP’S CROWN. Man, is Karma gonna kick your backside for that one. Yeah, hopefully all the great times you had and pics you snapped were worth being Karma’s bitch. To stay on the safe side though, I wouldn’t drive for a few weeks, chop anything in the kitchen anytime soon, or handle everyday objects with pointed ends like pencils, pens, forks, ice picks or lawn darts. Since Karma can strike anytime and anywhere, I would also be leery of listening to the radio while in the bathtub or blow drying your hair while bathing. The same goes for handling raw meat in the middle of the forest. Safety is paramount here. I mean why place yourself in harm’s way when you know karma is waiting around the corner.

According to the story, the worst part of the crown theft (or to put it in biblical terms- the stealing of the crown) was that when at a church service, he was the only churchy person without a head covering. How horrible to have achieved a ranking that lets you wear a crown and you have to appear in public without it, while everyone else has one. Let’s just hope that bishops are kinder than school kids because if they aren’t, imagine the peer pressure and heckling when you show up without your head gear. It would be a lot like the time I came to work an hour later than when our staff meeting started. OK, I’ll be honest: it’s a lot like the TIMES I came to work an hour later…

Is there a moral (or parable) to this story of the evil man who stole the Holy Crown? Is there something to be gleaned from the thief’s horrible and detestable actions that can benefit men and women everywhere with evil in their hearts? Is there salvation at hand for those who choose to give up their deceitful ways?

Probably not. Seriously, we don’t even know yet how this story ends. But I can tell you this: if you happen to be perusing E-bay later this week and come across an actual Bishop’s crown that is not a replica, you’d better steer clear. But then again, if you are searching E-bay for a Holy Crown, then you deserve what you’ve got coming to you. Nah, I’m just kidding. How do you think I got the Archbishop’s staff I have hanging next to my deer antlers over my Dale Earnhardt portrait on velvet out in the garage?