Oooh Yay, A Holiday

It’s that time for another useless holiday. You know, one of these days I am just going to sit down, invent my own holiday and use this blog to tirelessly promote it. In fact, maybe one day I’ll take your suggestions on such a day. Right now I’m leaning heavily on ‘Glorify All Things Fried Day.’ But that’s another topic for another day. I want to also have a ‘Put It Off Until Tomorrow Day,’ but it always seems to get postponed. Get it? Seriously, these are the jokes people…

Back to today, however. Today is Write To Congress Day. It might not really seem like that fun of a holiday, but that’s where a little imagination comes in. You kinda have to read between the lines and realize that the holiday doesn’t say WHAT we have to write to Congress about today. Are you with me yet? Not that we need to turn this into a letter to Santa or anything, but we can write to Congress about whatever we want, at least that’s how I interpret it.

So then, what should one write to Congress about? Taxes? The economy? The price of gas? The fat content of bacon? Why Rachael Ray has like 15 TV shows and Bob Newhart no longer has any? And what ever happened to the variety show as a television staple?

I have a theory. I imagine that Congress gets a little tired of reading the same old complaints about what is wrong with our country and all the requests to have someone’s uncle twice removed pardoned for stealing their neighbor’s canary in a case of mistaken identity because they thought it was their missing Cockatoo named Lulu. They probably get a lot of requests for internships, speaking engagements and the occasional envelope containing money. Not that they mind the money so much. Bribing political officials is legal, right?

I am choosing to shake it up a little and give Congress something more interesting to read this year. It’ll be a nice break from the monotony of legislating our country and taking vacations. And running for reelection. And christening golf courses. Maybe I’ll write a bunch of different letters. My first letter will be about urging lawmakers to limit Food Network stars to having only one show. Unless you are Alton Brown or are attractive and named Giada or have the names Paula or Deen in your name and you like to cook using butter. You know what, maybe I’m better off writing a letter about something else.

Perhaps Congress would like to know what I think they should do about the lack of exciting games shows on television. But I’m not one of those people that just go around complaining all the time; I also offer solutions. I will suggest to Congress that they pass a law making game shows more exciting by developing well-known and well-loved board games to television. First, they can adapt the board game ‘Operation’ into the TV game show format. Each episode someone will be opened up to have some useless organ the like the gall bladder, appendix or liver removed. If the surgeon contestant accidentally hits the patient’s skin while removing the useless organ, the surgeon gets shocked into unconsciousness. Oh, and docked 50 points. I think this one has real potential. And just wait for my follow up game show: Barrel Of Real Monkeys. This show will be taped outside. And let’s face it; Congress is the only branch of the government that will be able to assist me in bringing the real life version of Battleship to the small screen in a fun, entertaining and suspenseful game show using real artillery.

Yes I know that Congress doesn’t really decide what is on television, but they might want to read game show pitches for a change. There is also a stop sign I want removed from just around the corner because it slows me down when I am in a hurry to get to work. I don’t know that Congress would be the one to deal with the fact that my neighbor’s girlfriend always parks her car in front of my house, but I’m going to give it a try. And who doesn’t think that we could use more paid national holidays every year? I’ll just never understand why we don’t have April Fool’s Day or August 17th off.

These are just a few of the letters I am going to try to get written today. Just to make sure that my letters get special attention, I am having Lucy and Ethel decorate each envelope. I was going to cut out colorful letters from magazines to spell out the words on the envelope and letter, but then someone point out that it would look like a ransom note and that sending a ransom note to Congress could get me in a lot of trouble. And I mean the type of trouble that happens when you try to shoot our nation’s highest elected official or you have made the Thanksgiving turkey too dry. Serious, serious trouble. I am also going to put the phrase ‘you deserve a raise’ at the bottom of each letter. This should guarantee that I get preferential treatment.

So enjoy the holiday and write a letter to Congress. You elected them and they work for you. Want to talk about how dreamy your boyfriend is? Want to get a license to hunt skunks? Feel like Congress should receive a notarized copy of your grocery list? Go ahead; it’s Write Your Congress Day. Have fun!