I Am An Athlete!

Well OK, I am a Nintendo Wii athlete. Please don’t confuse that with what my Scottish friends might refer to as a wee bitty athlete, even though I’m not the tallest feller around. Since obtaining a Wii at Christmas time (I should mention here that doing so involved negotiating with ‘gentlemen’ who I think have portraits down at the wall of the post office and the divulging of my secret BBQ rub recipe. Of course, I left out two main ingredients and have already had to change residences and adopt a false identity in anticipation of these ‘gentleman’ discovering that; though this is all way off topic).

I have spent the last few days excelling at tennis, baseball, boxing and bowling. The Wii came with golf, but even in game console form, I still can’t master that one. I have hit virtual baseballs out of the virtual park, had 3 strikes in a row while bowling, KO’d 8 straight boxing opponents (although 3 of them were Wii girls, which was a little odd, but don’t worry, I was polite: no crotch shots in the femalitalia) and won 10 straight tennis matches. Although I am usually pretty humble, I have to admit that I was really starting to strut around like I was big deal athlete. In fact, I was already planning my first music CD release and interviewing folks for my entourage. And I’ll be honest. I made a few calls inquiring how I could go about purchasing a camel. But I still had to wait in line at Starbucks though, which kinda ticked me off. Not to be deterred, I threw a big fit and went on and on about buying that Starbucks and then the baristas would have to wait in line! I’d show them, man. It was quite a show. Kobe would have been proud.

Then more recent events led me to question my superstar athlete status. Oh yeah, that’s right; I mean superstar Wii athlete status. The first event was the morning I woke up and could barely move either arm without excruciating pain. Apparently the pain was from all the muscles it took to use the Wii remote. Believe me, this was quite a surprise to me as I figured I would long ago have come across whatever muscles are necessary to control a remote. I mean LONG ago. Then I was beat by both Lucy and Ethel at Wii bowling. Lucy bowled 5 straight strikes. 5 straight and this is a kid who still hasn’t figured out how to eat over her plate. I consoled myself with the thought that Wii bowling really only requires one easy arm motion and perhaps anyone could excel at it. After all, let’s remember that Lucy and Ethel are only 5. Then I resolved that I would not send them to bed until I had soundly beat them at a game of bowling. Well, 6 games and my 6 losses later, I figured I would let them go to bed victorious. Besides, I couldn’t stand to lose again and had lost all of the feeling in my right arm.

My self-confidence really took a dip when they started winning tennis matches. As a father, I’m not proud saying this, but I resorted to the one game I knew would allow me to beat them. Yep, the dreaded golf. Crap, wrong again. How does a 5 year old master a par 3 hole? How do children who don’t know their own strength figure out how to virtual putt? We’re talking the most humbling life altering experience here. Then as if those athletic doubts weren’t enough, I got out of breath and had chest pains while essentially square dancing to the loquacious tunes of one Hank Williams Jr. with Lucy and Ethel (not my idea folks, really, I swear). I walk or jog 4 miles a day, how could all of this be happening?

I know I detailed my 2008 resolutions the other day, but I’m thinking I may need to add getting a personal trainer to my list. My only concern is how I go about explaining to my new trainer that the reason I want to bulk up is so that I can beat my 5-year-old twins at Wii sports. On second thought, I had better keep that reason on the down low. I shall therefore train myself. Wow, I can already hear the music and sound effects of the ‘Six Million Dollar Man’ in the background. Now I’m excited. It’s gonna be bionawesome!!!!!!