Hold On, I’m Driving And Learning To Juggle

The AP story I just read could make the statement above realistic within the next ten years. Apparently, officials at General Motors are saying that they could have cars that drive and park themselves in dealerships within 10 years. It sounds like a multi-tasker’s dream. Seriously, who hasn’t done battle with a CD case while trying to change CDs in the stereo while zooming down the highway? Who hasn’t accidentally swerved into another lane while trying to get the big rig driver next to you to blow his horn? Who hasn’t been awakened by the sound of a blaring horn coming from the car approaching you head on? Who hasn’t almost run into a ditch after being burned when seeing what it would feel like to stick your finger in the red-hot end of the cigarette lighter? Well, those are just examples. I am obviously not saying I have done any of those things.

Let’s face it; computers and technology have become far smarter than we are. I actually find this a bit ironic since it’s us people (did that sound right to you?) that made the computers to begin with, but if I dwell on that too long my mind will end up in an endless loop trying to fathom the chicken and egg dilemma of man and computer. Crap, it’s already started…

OK, 3 hours have elapsed and I’m done now. For those of you keeping score, though they are man made, computers can be smarter because they don’t have emotion. Alright, back to the self-driving cars. You would have to think that self-driving cars would be safer than man-driven vehicles. Granted, there will still be the occasional driving into lakes and rivers because the GPS system thought there was a road there, but those are minor occurrences and usually only end up as one car incidents. Imagine if you will the harmonious existence of smart cars driving around other smart cars in a glorious world of vehicle cohabitation all due to nicely executed computer logarithms that are in-sync (did you just think of bringing sexy back with Justin??) with surrounding vehicles, stoplights and lane dividers. Wow, your smart car could theoretically drive right past an accident without slowing down to rubberneck. I know what you are thinking: but Michael, there should not be ANY accidents now that our cars are computer controlled. And you know what, I really have no good or intelligently thought out response to that and am just going to ignore it. I hope that doesn’t offend you.

Our smart cars will give us so much more free time. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if this smart car technology opened up an entirely new interior vehicle layout. We could now have beds, tables and perhaps ping pong tables in our cars. Or maybe small kitchens so we could all fix our 30-Minute Meals while driving home from the office. Well actually, we wouldn’t be driving home anymore; we would be ‘riding’ home. You could theoretically pull up into your driveway (which of course would now be called a ‘rideway’) with a great dinner already prepared. It is going to be a beautiful world and it’s all thanks to smart cars. I can envision the day now when I am sitting with my spellbound grandchildren as I explain to them how I actually used to drive and control my own car while having to pay attention to what I was doing and the other cars around me. No doubt I will also be explaining to them why the American public had a fascination with Paris Hilton BEFORE she became a US Senator and how Oprah became Queen of America even though our nation wasn’t started as a Monarchy. And yes, I will also be asked to explain why in the heck I was blogging when my grandkids discover it while surfing the Web 8.0. At this point I will just fake a heart attack to avoid answering that.

I hope you can envision this new Autopia (oh man, now Disney is going to sue me). If not, may I suggest you watch episodes of Knight Rider to see just how great smart cars can be, minus the whiny voice of course. And speaking of Knight Rider, they are working on a Knight Rider TV movie and the new KITT will be a souped up Mustang. I’m not sure how I feel about this since the black Trans-Am is the coolest car in history. Again, if you are having trouble envisioning this, may I reference the aforementioned Knight Rider and Smokey and the Bandit.

So, in conclusion, what is the exact point of this post? Why, I’m not sure, but I think it had something to do with ham. Or possibly my breathing in of too much carbon monoxide this morning while driving to work with the windows down, though I’m sure my smart car while prevent this.