A Little Too Quick There, Huh?

I just read an AFP News Service story about the death of an 81-year-old man in Chile. Well, he was 81 and from Chili, but apparently he wasn’t so dead. His family found him and thought he was dead so they called a funeral home and commenced the grieving. The story says that he woke up at his own wake. Actually, that’s kind of funny. I mean what better time to wake up then at a wake. You wouldn’t expect anyone to wake up at a sleepover, right?

If I was the old man, that is when I would hop out of the coffin and start asking my family probing questions (well that and lamenting that fact that I grew old so quickly that I can no longer play basketball or do the Macarena). Asking them why they were in such a hurry to bury me that they didn’t notice I was STILL BREATHING comes to mind. That question would be followed shortly thereafter with one for the funeral home operators. Nothing serious, just wanting to know where they earned their license and stuff like that. Yes, the license that helps them tell the difference between dead people and living people BEFORE they are sealed in a coffin and buried at least six feet under for all of time.

That has got to create some awkward moments between him and his family. How can you look them in the eye at Thanksgiving (wait, do Chileans celebrate Thanksgiving?) and not wonder just how disappointed they were that you aren’t dead. You know, since they TRIED TO BURY YOU ALIVE and all. If you are a member of the family, do you just walk around apologizing to him all the time? ‘Sorry Dad, you know that we REALLY DID think you were dead.’ ‘It’s just that you were sooooo still and let’s face it; you’re no spring chicken.’ Did the family members have to fake awe and shock (yes not using the more familiar shock and awe was intentional) that the guy was still living as he awakened in his coffin? Was Uncle Wally heard mumbling something like ‘I knew this would happen, we should’ve suffocated him first?’

I suppose there is another side to this. Maybe, just maybe Mr. Death Almost Came A-Knockin’ wanted to be perceived as dead. Let’s say he accidentally sat up in his coffin believing that the wake or funeral was already over and he was just trying to hop out before the burial, because if he tried to climb out after the burial, the whole faking death thing would be a very moot point. Perhaps he was in a bad marriage, annoyed by his kids or just forgot to return a library book back in 1947. What if he was running from a bookie he owed money to for wrongly picking that Julio Castroneves would be the runner up on the most recent ‘Dancing With The Stars?’ Or possibly he was almost driven insane by his grandchildren’s constant singing of the High School Musical 2 Soundtrack.

If any of these scenarios are true (and we all know they aren’t, but let’s just pretend for fun) then I bet he’s a whole lot of fun to be around right now. While his family laughs in relief that they didn’t bury their relative alive at the big Memorial Day BBQ (do they have a Memorial Day in Chile? Boy, I better brush up on my Chilean holidays!), does he just grumble and say ‘and I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddlin’ kids.’ And now that he’s still alive, he can’t get access to all the money he stashed away in a foreign bank account under an assumed name. It’s almost enough to make him want to fake his own death, but he can’t because he already tried, and failed.

I’m not sure if I will ever get to travel to Chile, but if I do, I certainly hope I don’t get ill there. Or take a nap anywhere that I can be found. When I fake my death, it’s all planned for me to be in the Caribbean. Oh wait, I’ve shared too much. Now it won’t be seen as an excused absence by my employer. Dang it!!!!