Should I Live In A ‘Van Down By The River’?

I hope you get that SNL reference. If not I am going to continue anyway. Just Google or Wikipedia Matt Foley. Or I suppose you could just look at the photo to the left. Yeah, that might be a little easier. I forgot about the photo thing when I was writing this…

Any who, I was on the time stealer Facebook last night and saw an ad posted that seriously attracted my attention. I also saw one for Office show merchandise, and the fact that I am not blogging about that should tell you just how interested I was in the other ad. It was an ad (and maybe you have seen it, or even clicked on it) that said something like: BECOME A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER. I couldn’t get over my excitement. Me becoming a motivational speaker? Why, I’ve always wondered how to get into this exciting field of helping others while getting to stand in front of them while talking encouragingly.

What qualifications do I possess for this, you ask. Well, I stood in front of both Lucy AND Ethel and spoke to them encouragingly when they were being potty trained and the last time I checked, they were still using the big people toilets, so I must have done something right. Heck, I also did essentially the same thing with Mabel when she was a puppy and about 35% of the time she goes where I want her to. When you factor in the language barrier, I think that’s a pretty good success rate. I would like to be able to say that I encourage my coworkers, but if you’ve read this blog (even once), you know that I have yet to encourage them to do anything but give me a hard time, question my musical preferences or contact HR about ‘transferring’ me to a ‘department to which I am better suited.’ Those fools!!

I would love to try my hand at being a motivational speaker. I could put glasses back on, borrow one of my dad’s sport coats with the patches on the elbows (now that he is retired) throw a few pens in my shirt pocket (short sleeve button up with a tie, you know, to look professional and all) and go motivate people. Of course, I should probably enroll in the course I saw advertised on Facebook, but we’ll get to that later. I think as a warm-up I’ll just start speaking motivationally to people I come across on the street or in my office building. I can see how it might catch them off guard, but think how they’ll benefit from being spoken to all motivationally. Or conversely, think how I might end up with a black eye. OK, I’m done thinking about that now.

Man, the course would be fun. Especially on the days when all the students have to get up in front of the rest of the class to practice their ‘Mo-Speak.’ I didn’t see that word in the ad, but if it’s there next time, I’m going to be pointing a very accusatory finger. I bet all the students are each given a different topic to speak about or a different ‘group’ to pretend they are speaking to. Though with my luck I’d end up having to speak to a group of high school kids who are behind in their studies because they are addicted to blogging. But, that would give me a great starting line:
‘Kids, you don’t know me, but I know you, very well. How do I know you? Because I know your affliction. I too have spent way too much time blogging. And through my story, I will help you return to the real world and leave those nasty posts behind.’

Then I will shove the classroom computer off the desk and let it crash to the floor, exploding in oh, at least 4 ½ pieces. Now that I have their attention, I will detail how I missed my children’s weddings, my older non-descript relative’s funeral and a freeway exit while entranced by the blogging world. Granted I am making all that up, but they won’t know. I hope. Pretty good stuff though, huh?

Is there an entrance exam for Motivational Speaking School? Are you expected to list your ‘Mo-Speak’ heroes? Do game show hosts count as motivational speakers? Is that maybe a ‘Mo-Speak’ career path? Think about it for a second, they are tasked with motivating the contestant in the contestant’s pursuit of money and fabulous prizes. I ask this because if I can’t count game show hosts as motivational speakers then I am in a little trouble coming up with anyone else. Some might consider Richard Simmons a motivational speaker, but I just consider him a very scary little man. I guess there’s the Anthony Robbins class of speakers, but since I have never been to one of his seminars, I don’t consider myself qualified to list him as a ‘Mo-Speak’ hero. Nor would I consider Oprah or Rachael Ray to be one either, just for the record. Because what would a blog post be if it didn’t mention Oprah or her Queen of All Media In Training, Rachael.

So, wish me luck. Hopefully by this time next year I’ll be speaking to a convention full of Star Trek fans telling them ‘why don’t you all just get a life.’ Oh wait, that might have been William Shatner…