Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Last Year (I actually think I may have learned something…nah!)

Well, I had my stroke just over a year ago and wanted to list a few things that I learned from it.  I am way off of my New Year’s resolution of writing a lot more often.  In fact this is the first time I’ve written in 2011.  I was going to tell you about the character I had thought of my novel…it’s the Piobster.  A half pig-half lobster boy, but I’ll save that for another time…or never. You can decide that.  I thought of telling you about my Dick Van Dyke obsession…which I may actually talk about some day.  But I’m listing or wandering or…stalling (that’s the word I was looking for).  Since the stroke, I often forget what word I am looking for.  Except for “bacon,” that one seems to come to mind quite easily!

So in the last year as I was trying to 1. accept the fact I had a stroke and 2. rehab from it, here are the things I learned…

  1. After having to wait 3 days to eat…hospital food actually tastes pretty nice.
  2. I may have lost my sense of right or wrong while in the hospital because I said hospital food is pretty nice!
  3. I couldn’t speak for the first week after the stroke so I could only grunt.  The grunt of “I need to go to the bathroom” and “I want a drink” was identical – I blame myself for that one.
  4. I could not move the right side of my face.  When looking in a mirror it was reversed, so that took some getting used to!
  5. When I moved to the rehab center for a week I got my favorite burritos from San Bernardino – except I couldn’t eat them without making a mess.
  6. When I came home, my right arm would be sitting in my food and I had no idea it was happening.
  7. When I made coffee, I would spill at least one cup every few days and coffee ain’t cheap!  Plus I would tilt my cup to dangerous level…until someone reminded me that I was going to be watering the carpet!
  8. To show how die-hard of a fan of coffee I was I had to drink it from a straw – but for some reason I didn’t take pictures of that.
  9. For a while, I had a cane.  That was pretty sweet!
  10. Then in March we went to see my brother and his family.  One day I asked to drive one of his ATV’s – that went badly.  My right hand was stuck on the throttle and despite my brother’s insistence that I take the hand off (in expletive laden form) I didn’t.  I could have, but I was a deer in headlights and just froze.  So, I hit a tree on his property going about 20mph.  When I hit it, I popped up and then blacked out momentarily.  Blood was pouring from my head and I had some pretty nice bruises.  But all ended well because my brother got a new ATV out of it.
  11. To use the computer for the first month, I had to place the mouse on the left side of the desk and use it with the left hand.  Man, you left-handers have it tough!  Well actually that’s probably the only way you know how to a mouse and you’ve discovered it works just fine.
  12. I still have a problem with my girls’ names….that’s not that funny.  Although the one and a half year old is going think that her name is: her two sisters names, plus “that’s not right…”

So, there are a few things I have learned.  I hope you found it helpful.  You probably didn’t but that’s my entry to today!

*as a stroke survivor I find the photo up there to be funny.  Plus it has a Sesame Street character!!

Saturday, January 08, 2011

The Top Ten Options For Celebrating Elvis' B-day (As Approved By The King Himself)*

I post this every January 8th, so it's Jan. 8th and I leave you this...

*Although he is living on an island with Marilyn Monroe, JFK and Jim Morrison, Elvis himself did not officially endorse this Top Ten List. Neither did Elvis' estate, for that matter. Ok, they are just 10 crappy ideas I came up with. There. Now are you happy?

10. Sport trucker side burns. Sorry, this one's just for men – which I am sure Elvis would use (I mean the product. Not sure about the sideburns and all since the National Enquirer said one had to be glued back on after his death. D'oh). It drives that lady folk crazy. And if that isn't enough of an enticement guys, check this out: You don't have to shave as much of your face when sporting the trucker burns because they take up most of your cheek and hard to reach just under the jaw places.

9. Make about 36 movies – each one successively worse and each one making “The Love Guru” the “Gone With The Wind” of our generation.

8. Employ your own Mafia and then get your picture taken with the President in the Oval Office while wearing your full mafia regalia (including cape), therefore making the President look like a square. Because we all know that the title of King ALWAYS trumps the title of President. Then, as you are being driven away by your mafia, encourage them to make funny faces at the secret service because you pay them better than the President's protectors. After your visit, send a thank you note to the White House on your new stationary that is emblazoned with the slogan: “Graceland – Memphis Tennessee. Better than the White House because there is no Jungle Room or Purple curtains in the White House.” It seems over the top, but you'll feel so superior after doing it.

7. Give Cadillacs to everyone you come into contact with. Yes, I admit this one will be difficult given the price of the new 2009 Escalade and all. However, just remember it is worth it because you are buying affection AND loyalty.

6. Maintain an effective weight loss regimen by performing concerts in 60 pound, rhinestone studded jumpsuits. And pills. Take lots of pills.

5. Name your 737 after your only daughter. Or, just own a 737 – that's pretty impressive. By the way, the only celebrity I can think of these days who goes the 737 route instead of the Lear Jet route is John Travolta. Not enough celebrities fly around in their own personal airliners anymore. I'm guess this will change when Oprah and the rest of Hollywood see Obama step onto Air Force One for the first time. Yep, time to get stock in Boeing.

4. Take 2 slices of bread, a lot of peanut butter and slice up a few bananas. Then have your own kitchen lady fry it all together. Seriously, do this. It's deliciousness cannot be denied. If you Google “kitchen lady” I'm sure you can find someone.

3. Through the effective use of pills and dark drapes, make the daytime the nighttime and the nighttime the daytime. Then invite your in-laws over for lunch during the 'day.' Wait, this one is confusing even me.

2. When changing channels becomes too laborious, just shoot out the current program with a .45. It has far less buttons than I remote, I can assure you.

1. Fall in love with a severely underage girl, take her and her younger sister skating and stuff for 6 years and then marry her the minute Vegas says it's legal and have your child be born exactly 9-months to that very day.