Q & A Tuesday #1

Well, you did the Q’s and now I have to live up to my end of the bargain and provide the A’s. Thanks to everyone who submitted a question. I got a lot more than I had expected. Which means this will be a VERY LONG post…sorry. As long as everyone still has something to ask me next week, we’ll be ok. I have consulted my encyclopedias, internet, almanacs, dictionaries and spiritual advisers, so I am now prepared to answer the following questions:

Jenny! asked: ‘Do you like to eat fried foods right after sex, or do you need to wait a few hours???’
Well, nothing like a great big personal question to kick off the festivities. All I can say is does anyone really need a time that is better than any other to eat fried foods? I am not a discriminating fried food eater. I will eat anything fried at any time Jenny. Jenny also asked: ‘What’s your favorite color?’
Hmmm, my favor color is black. Although another blogger recently reminded me that black is actually the combinations of all known colors…or something like that. Sorry Jenny, I wasn’t really paying complete attention. So, as a runner up, I’ll say Navy Blue.

Lone Grey Squirrel asked: ‘Did we really have men walking on the moon or was it a hoax?’
Wow Lone Grey! We landed people on the moon? Seriously, when did we do this? Why am I just hearing about this? Are they still there? Uh, I’m not sure if I can answer this question. Since I have never heard of humans walking on the moon (I mean seriously, who’s gonna fall for that), I’ll say HOAX.

Scottsdale Girl asked: How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
I’ve done a lot of research on this one over the years. I’ve had so many Tootsie Pops that rumor has it Telly Savalas wants to sue me for elbowing in on his image. For me, it’s approximately 44. However Scottsdale, never, ever try 41-43. You’ll chip a tooth. If you get to 47, it just kind of dissolves. I hope this gives you some detailed parameters to work with. Although I must mention that grape will be less. This is possibly because it tastes so much better or that the production methods for the grape Tootsie Pop is inferior to that of the other colors.


Brookem had an interesting question. It was: ‘remember that time you were in the Beatles?’
Now at first I thought she was reciting the line from the Chris Farley/Paul McCartney SNL sketch where the picture for yesterday’s post came from. However, I realized that her comment was in the form of a question and therefore deserved to be answered just like everyone else’s question. Sadly Brooke, I don’t remember my time with the Beatles, but it was during the late 60s and I’m told there was a lot of funky stuff being passed around the studio. Although I do vaguely remember creating some lyrics that had to do with Pennies and a girl named Lucy, oh and there were lots of diamonds. I also can see Walruses when I think back, but then again it probably didn’t amount to anything. The oddest part is that I wasn’t even born yet when all of this happened. I told you there was some pretty strong stuff being passed around.


Patti asked a question as only a true reported could. With notepad in hand, she submitted this question: ‘Do you ever entertain thoughts of being a stand-up comedian? If not, why not?’
Patti, I never try to entertain thoughts. Thoughts don’t laugh and rarely give me anything in return. That being said, I would love to do stand up. I always have wanted to do stand up. I guess I just have 2 conditions though. 1. That everyone laughs with me and not at me and 2. I get paid very well. I hope that’s not too much to ask.


Just Telling It Like It Is really had a challenging question. Because she is a nurse that I hope will become my cardiologist one day, I am more than willing to tackle this one. Just Telling asked: ‘I am thinking about going back to school...for my masters...but I do want a family...I would like to have at least one more child...and maybe too...with Engineer guy...in the next couple of years...do you think I can have it all??’
Yes, go back to school and get your Masters. Also, have that family. Kids are awesome! I’m sure Engineer Guy would be more than happy to look after the kids while you finish up school. After all, they’ll be his kids too and he owes it to you for carrying his children and going through labor! My only concern is that after reading about him, I fear he may be a little dense at first, so I will gladly explain to him that he needs to watch the kids for a few years. I will make him understand that you are worth it and besides, after you get your Masters, you’ll be making a ton of dough. Hope that helps!


Patti also asked: ‘What happened to Insomnia Man’
That is a very good question! He finally got some sleep. He now patrols the streets during the middle of the day when all the ‘mainstream’ heroes are out and about and crime is much less. In short, insomnia man has been rendered about has effective as a water gun against a bursting dam.

Tammie Jean threatened to shut my mind down completely when she asked what I will refer to from here on out as the Triumvirate of Questions. She asked: ‘Why do mosquito bites (or poison ivy) itch more when you're trying to go to sleep,’ ‘What is the meaning of life’ and ‘where are my keys?’
Wow Tammie where to begin? Moquito bites, poison ivy, diaper rash, allergic reactions to really good food and any other itchiness bother you more when you are trying to sleep because you are thinking about it. Picture this, you are in a quiet and dark room with nothing occupying your mind as you wait to fall asleep. That is when you are most in tune with yourself and therefore, the itching FEELS itchier, when in fact, it really isn’t itchy at all. It is just your mind fighting the body’s natural ability to become sleepy. (Didn’t that sound SO medical?)

Now to the meaning of life. I was really hoping not to get this one for a few more weeks. The meaning of life is different things to different people. I would compare it to the saying ‘different strokes for different folks,’ but that would lead me to sing the theme song to ‘Different Strokes,’ which would lead me to the theme song for ‘Silver Spoons,’ which always ends up with me singing the theme song to ‘Webster’ and looking for excuses to say ‘What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?’ Doing any of these things would not let allow me to answer your question. Wait, what the heck was your question again? Oh that’s right, the meaning of life. For me, it is the hope of finding cheap lobster, fried foods, a new food documentary on the Food Network and just one All-Star season of SNL where all the best cast members are reunited for the entire year, like a celebrity survivor or something. For you, it might be something entirely different. I guess in the end it is whatever helps us get out of bed in the morning. While what gets me out of bed each morning is Lucy and Ethel begging for breakfast, I chose not to list that one.


As for where your keys might be, walk in the house from your car, retrace every step you made, then head to Wal-Mart where they make new keys for about a dollar.


Awesome Mom got very serious with this one and because of her great son Evan, I don’t mind one bit. Her question was: ‘This one is a bit more serious, when did you first realize that your heart defect made you different than other kids? Did you have a lot of restrictions growing up?’
Ok, here we go. I’ll try not to cry more than 4 times while writing this. I realized very early on that I was different. While I didn’t look different, at least with my shirt on, I couldn’t participate in sports and was always told to take it easy. I also had a lot more doctor’s appointments than my friends did. As I went through school and my friends and brother started little league and soccer, I could not. That kinda drives the point home. So yes, I had a lot of restrictions even though I was as good, if not better an athlete than my friends. I was never allowed to take a PE class and the only sports I played were just pickup games with friends. As I began swimming at friends’ houses or at the beach or public pools, it didn’t take very long to see that other kids didn’t have chest scars, chest tube scars or a hole from being tube fed. It used to annoy me when I would be in a public place and other kids would stare or ask me about the scars. I actually had the hole from the tube feeding sewn up closed completely when I was in the 6th grade because I had become so self conscious about it. Despite all of that, in a class room setting or just hanging out with friends, I was about as normal as everyone else (which as you know, is saying a lot for me ).


Ralph asked one that could lead me to a book deal. His question: ‘Are you the fifth Beatle (instead of Brian Epstein)?’
Sadly Ralph, no I am not. I am however the 6th member of Herman’s Hermits. I actually wrote the lyrics to Henry the 8th, which even though it was penned by me, still annoys me to the point of wanting to commit homicidal acts. I’ve been trying to organize a reunion tour, but have had no luck. I may start a tribute band, ‘Hermit’s Hermans,’ but I think legal action has been promised if I follow through with it. Those guys will never get over me taking all the groupies from them!


My best blogging buddy Odat asked a question that I thought meant the same thing. Turns out I was wrong. Odat asked: ‘Can you moon walk...or walk on the moon???’
Well Odat, I tried Moonwalking back in 1984 but was laughed at. It turns out that one CAN actually be too white to dance. To make up for my inability to Moonwalk, I just used to go around stepping on squares and singing ‘Billie Jean.’ The squares did not light up and apparently my elementary school frowned on its young students singing about love children. I have never walked on the moon, but I would like to. With my recent accidents in bounce houses though, I figure I would either fall a lot or bounce off the moon’s surface and become a human satellite. I’ll just stick to ‘Billie Jean’ for now…


Mist1 asked: ‘Wait, is it already Tuesday?’
I’m not sure this was the question she actually intended to ask, but because it was in the form of a question, the rules dictate that I have to answer it. Mist, by the time you read this, yes, it will be Tuesday.


Lizza posed a question that many people would like to know. Her question: 'Why are yawns so contagious?'
Well Lizza, I think it’s because people like the group mentality. One one person yawns, the next person wants to fit in and the chain just continues until everyone yawns. Another theory is that people yawn because they need oxygen. When that person yawns, they are rudely sucking the air out of the room, causing everyone else to need oxygen and so they yawn. It’s a vicious, vicious cycle. Now why did I yawn 8 times while writing this?

Brandy had just a couple of questions. They were:
1. What 3 qualities do you have that make you the greatest JEdi of all time?
1. I can make things levitate. Well, ok, I can ask you to close your eyes, throw something in the air and then tell you to open your eyes quickly before the object falls back to earth, thereby giving the illusion of levitation. 2. Speak in Yoda-like patterns can I. 3. I'm a good public speaker and stand straight when I walk.

2. Why does the photocopier at work only jam when I use it?
I have the same problem in my office. Check the make and model of yours. My bet is that it's the Cannon Screw the Funny Person 5000XT. I tried to get them to trade it in for the Cannon Screw The Old Annoying Guy 5000XT, but they keep telling me there is not enough in the budget.

3. What kind of sound does a giraffe make when it's happy? Sad? Picked last for dodgeball?
Tough question. I have found references to them making sheep-like sounds sometimes. However, I think the animal people made that up. I'm pretty sure they grunt like Elvis. In fact, I'm sure of it. When they are sad they make the same sound that Lucille Ball did when she needed to cry because she messed something up and Ricky caught her. I believe the scientific name for this sound is the 'AwwwwRicky,' which would make a good name for an alcoholic beverage, but I could be wrong on both counts. When picked last for dodgeball, giraffes have been known to snort and then charge. Afterwards, many zookeepers have sworn that they laugh and then cuss.

4. What's the greatest lesson you want to impart on Lucy and Ethel?
To marry rich. I can't afford two weddings. They also need to know that if they ever come across lobster tails for less than $9.99 a pound, they need to stock up. I'm sure there is more, but those two are pretty darn important.

5. If nicole Richie named her baby after her food, what would she call it?
Gurgie, after regurgitation. When you think about it, 'No more than 2 teaspoons full' isn't really a good name.



Lis posed a very philosphical question: 'Who will win in a smackdown between the Monty Pythons and the Power Rangers?'
Do the Pythons get the Knights Of Ni? If they do, they would totally clean the floor with those multi-colored Rangers. They'd shrubbery them to death. If you think the battle would still be close, then the Pythons get the Spanish Inquisition (I mean no one expects that!!!).

Crashdummie asked a few a few that were kinda difficult for me. They were:
1) What is your themesong, and why?
I've always been partial to the James Bond Theme, but there is NOTHING Bondish about me, so I'll say Sawyer Brown's 'Some Girls Do.' Why? An female friend once told me it reminded her of me and when I told others, they all agreed. Yes, I believe in a democracy.
2) What animal would you say you are, and why?
I'd say something strong like a killer whale, lion, cheetah, etc. But the reality is I'm one of those monkey, apes or gorillas that just hangs out at the zoo watching other people go by and is just content chilling out. I'd like to be a dolphin. Those suckers look nice and cute, but they are deadly sly!!
3) If your best mate would describe you in three words, what it would be and why?
Goofy - because he knows.
Barely able to look after myself - because he knows (see, I used 6 words there instead of 1)
Fun - because that's what we always have together

OK, looks like I got through it! I don't know how many of you made it all the way down here to the end, but if you did, PLEASE COME BACK NEXT WEEK! I PROMISE I'LL TRY TO MAKE IT SHORTER!!!

Thanks for everyone's great questions and we'll do it again next Tuesday. Now, why do I smell smoke??