Feeling A Bit Fried

Today is Fried Chicken Day. It’s nice that it has a day, but does anyone really need an official day to celebrate chicken that is fried. Does anyone really need a day to celebrate ANYTHING that is fried for that matter? Of course not! Fried is the spice to life. It’s the sugar for the people that don’t like sugar, it’s the ying to food’s yang, it’s the yummy crusty topping that makes getting up in the morning all worth it. It’s what makes cheese even more special. It’s like the Christmas paper wrapping on an already great present. Yeah, I like fried food. I am prepared to die prematurely for my love of it. I keep going to the local Best Buy just to stare at the deep fryer they are selling. I should be concerned that the salespeople there are starting to recognize be, but I don’t care. We’re talking fried foods here, man!

I have lost a little sleep thinking about obtaining the current object of my affections. My mind drifts to all of the things that I could do with her, I mean it, should I finally buy her, I mean it. Sorry. Of course, I’ll make all the basics like fried zucchini, onion rings, fried mozzarella sticks, corn dogs, french fries, chicken nuggets and yes, fried chicken.

What really gets my heart, I mean mind, I mean stomach, going are all the new things I can try and deep fry. Burritos, candy bars, bananas, peanut butter sandwiches (Elvis’ favorite, of course), fried BBQ meat and perhaps the tastiest of all, deep-fried bacon (I call that one Heaven’s Homecoming). Seriously, although the first bite may stop your heart, can you imagine anything tastier than fried bacon? I can’t, but I’ll keep trying. That’s why I’m going to try fried waffles, fried pancakes, fried breakfast cereals, fried Cheetos, fried pita bread filled with hummus, fried corn, deep fried ice cream and inevitably, a deep fried wrist watch. I won’t eat it; I just know it’s going to happen sooner or later. I’m thinking fried bubble gum might be fun to try too.

I realized I had better start pricing cooking oil in bulk. That’s the only way I’m going to be able to afford this obsession, I mean infatuation, I mean hobby. While I’m pricing bulk cooking oil, I’ll probably start pricing treadmills too. That will allow me to justify consuming about 10,000 calories (8,000 of which are fat calories) daily. Goodness knows what the house is going to smell like during all of this experimentation, but that’s why they make scented candles. I am officially excited. Celebrating fried chicken is just the jumping off point…

Speaking of fried (how’s that for a crusty segue), I can tell you without hesitation now that falling asleep in your children’s kiddy pool for at least two hours is not a good idea. At least the dog licking my hand woke me up before my skin actually started to sizzle. I can also tell you that this isn’t a story you want to tell your coworkers. The image of being passed out in a children’s pool on the 4th of July while your dog licks your hand is never flattering. It seems to be amusing to other people, but that’s about the point when you realize they are laughing at me instead of with me. That is a huge distinction that makes a significant difference.

The last time I was this sore was after my chest was cracked open like a King Crab leg during my open-heart surgery. Actually being this sunburned may be more painful. My chest and stomach is so red that it looks spray painted and fake. And then I move and realize the burn is very, very real. I have to remember to loosen my necktie and stop hanging around the coworker who likes to slap people on the back when he tells a bad joke. I also need to seriously contemplate whether I should not shower for the next few days. The first moment that hot water hit my chest, I think I passed out as my nerve endings screamed ‘Uncle!’ Next time I plan on lounging in Lucy and Ethel’s pool, you can make darn sure I’m going to fill up on caffeine. I’m also hearing some very positive feedback on something called sunscreen. Is it something you suspend from poles? Hopefully it isn’t too expensive and is easy to use.

This is all another perfect example of life’s ying and yangs and ups and downs. One fried is extremely tasty and the other fried is extremely painful. I think it’s beautiful when life balances out that way. Although you know what, both will kill you in the end. Why are the best things always so bad? Oh hey, how about fried Macaroni and Cheese??????


Completely Worthless Thing Almost Worth Mentioning Today: I just heard that one of my coworkers is on the phone with someone named Mabelline and another is on the phone with a woman named Elvira. How cool is that! I told my secretary that when Peggy Sue calls, I‘d gladly take it…