Now You Can Make A Deposit And A Withdrawal

Pardon the title, but it’ll make plenty of sense in just a minute. I was all ready to write a tall tale about a 7 footer marrying someone half his size, but then I saw an Associated Press headline that included the words Money, Found, In and Toilets. Yep, I had to be quick on my feet and adjust today’s post. I didn’t flush the other post, but money in toilets is too good to well, ‘pass’ up. I feel it is my ‘duty’ (yes, I said duty…Ha!!) to write about this bathroom phenomenon.

The AP has reported that money is showing up in envelopes in city toilets all over Japan. The envelopes contain what equates to $82 with a note instructing the finder to basically use it on themselves. This has been going on for the last few weeks and the story says that the total is now around $16,400 that has been found. I’ll just go ahead and say it: ‘I’ve heard of flushing money away, but this is ridiculous!’ Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitresses, please…

Can you just imagine hurrying into the bathroom because you need to use it and then you see an envelope there? Do you reach in and grab it? Do you look around first? Do you ignore it and do your thing? Hmmmmm, if only you knew it contained money. Couldn’t the people responsible for this incredibly nice goodwill gesture find somewhere different to help the world than one bodily reliever at a time? I don’t know, a phone booth or bus stop perhaps. Just a thought.

All of this bathroom benevolence makes me need to use the restroom. OK, it doesn’t really, but what it does do is make we want to start doing incredibly nice gestures anonymously. The only problem is that I don’t have a lot of spare cash on hand right now to go around making people’s lives better. However, what I do have is plenty of office supplies. Well, let me rephrase that. I have ACCESS to lots of free office supplies. I think that might work pretty well.

I will be able to improve the lives of unsuspecting citizens one paperclip or post-it note at a time. Just imagine how much easier my gifts of kindness will make other people’s lives. They will be able to attach multiple sheets of paper together, leave reminders on brightly colored little sticky squares and maybe even write things down with all of the pens I have absconded, uh I mean taken for donation. I’ll be like the Robin Hood of Office Supplies. Forget Sherwood Forest, I’ll have Staples or Office Max or Office Depot! Do you need a little pick me up? Has your debt overtaken your life? Don’t worry; a box of staples will help you out! Can’t put food on your table tonight? I’ll be anonymously leaving a full bottle of non-dairy coffee creamer next to the postal box on Central Avenue later today. Although I just announced that, which now makes the anonymous part kinda of hard to pull of….

Maybe some day I’ll be able to work up to monetary gifts of kindness. But I’ll need a little help. That’s why I am starting to raise money for my new charity, ‘Give Me Your Dollars So I Can Give Them To Someone Else.’ There is a lot of work that goes into starting a successful non-profit. Well, I can’t guarantee I won’t turn a profit, so I’m more comfortable using the word charity. There is still a lot of work to do, but I have gotten most of the ‘Give Me Your Dollars’ part of the ‘Give Me Your Dollars So I Can Give Them To Someone Else’ racket, I mean charity, figured out. Even though I can’t distribute the money yet, I can receive it, so it’s time for a good ole fashioned telethon to raise money for my pleasure boat (to be named Cubicle’s Revenge), I mean donation, to random people strewn about the southland region. I’ve already sent invites to all of my favorite B and C list celebrities, so I’m hopeful that they can help me make a lot of money. I mean I hope they can help me raise a lot of money for donation to other people.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m a few bucks short for lunch, so I need to go check all of the toilets for money before we go eat…