I Thought You Said The House With The White Trim…

In life, sometimes all you can say is ‘oops.’ It doesn’t really cover the error you have made, but at least you are not left there standing with your head down, mouth shut looking like an idiot. I personally experienced this today when I misinterpreted a work email and gave way too much information and personal opinion on the wrong subject to another department at my company. Again, ‘oops.’

After reading an AP story this morning, I’m fairly sure that even ‘oops’ does not begin to cover up for this little faux pas. It seems that some Massachusetts firefighters used the wrong house to practice using their axes and such to break into windows, through roofs and walls. I suppose they could have been practicing anger management or scare techniques on bad renters, but I haven’t heard anything official. At any rate, the house down the street that WAS scheduled for demolition sat untouched and the house that was NOT BEING SET FOR DEMOLITION, got all Husseined.

The owners of the house that was wrecked said they were getting ready to renovate. Quick tip to owners of empty houses awaiting renovation or renters: mow your lawns! Apparently having a home with prairie high grass doesn’t give the impression of being lived in. There are plenty of things you CAN do to make your empty house appear occupied and I would be glad to review them with you.

For starters, place a few vehicles up on jack stands on cinder blocks in the middle of your front yard. While not a pleasant site and potentially highly offensive to your one or two neighbors that don’t have cars in their yards, it definitely conveys a sense of occupancy. A toilet or two in the yard is also a good touch. As is a dog on a leash, a half filled kiddy pool with ducks bathing it and an election sign touting Jimmy Carter as your candidate for President. Chickens wandering around are always effective as well. For the NASCAR fans out there, a table made of used race tires (they are surprisingly affordable) and glass on the front porch not only provides a sense of warmth and welcome, but again, shows that the house is lived in and not, I repeat NOT ready for the wrecking ball. I won’t even get into the effectiveness of having a pregnant lady in overalls yelling at her young children out front because they can be a little harder to come by than say, an engine block.

I wonder if homeowner’s insurance covers accidental destruction by local fire departments in a non-fire/non-threatening situation? My guess is that it does not. Maybe the owners can try to sell it as ‘room-addition ready’ or ‘pre-ventilated.’ Surely, those are desirable criteria when shopping for a home. Maybe it can be purchased and sold on e-bay as Uncle Jessie’s farm from The Dukes Of Hazzard. Seriously, if you know what I am talking about here, it would be quite the stretch to term that place ‘palatial.’

I just hope that the firefighters do not face any type of repercussions from this honestly accidental mistake. Can anyone blame them for not coming across the rundown vacant house and thinking this was the practice house? Now, if they had only come up from the other side of the street, they might have seen the house with all of the ‘no trespassing’ and ‘demolition site’ signs on it. I can’t imagine how priceless the looks exchanged must have been when the fire chief got sick of waiting at the house that should have been demolished and he then rolled up to the fireman busting up the wrong house. Yes folks, it might just be better than an accidental baseball bat to the ‘man area’ on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

It does have me a little worried if I ever move to Braintree, Massachusetts though. What if my neighbor has to call the paramedics or fire engine for something trivial like massive head trauma or kitchen fire and they show up to my house with fire hoses blasting because they see the smoke from my BBQ when they turn onto our street? I’m not a litigious-happy person, but yes, I would sue. If I was doing steak, ribs or lobster, I would seek both damages and punitive. I imagine there would be a lot of mental anguish involved, too. Like, oh, I don’t know, a brand new grill’s worth of mental anguish…