Who Knew A Machine Could Bring Us All Together?

Technology is amazing. I guess when you figure out that we were able to land a man on the moon (if you choose to believe in that sort of stuff); the newest machine in our office should come as no surprise. It will revolutionize the way we go about our day. Heck it might even make us better workers. Strike that. It might even make me a better worker. In fact, I’m not sure why this thing wasn’t installed earlier. I suppose I should just be grateful that my employer has finally seen fit to put one in our office.

In fact, not even a 5.8 magnitude earthquake literally less than 5 miles from our coffice (sorry, I honestly actually wrote coffice there, you’ll see why in a minute. Obviously I meant ‘office’ though) could curb our excitement and appreciation for our newest office toy tool. What? I have yet to share what it is with you (well except for the big photo there on the left of course)? Well, let me do that now. It’s the Saeco Rubino 200 coffee vending machine. Sure my office may not have cool perks like bocce ball courts, gyms, a cafeteria or pens with blue ink, but we now have a special coffee machine. It is fancy, like in faaaaaan-ceeeee. It serves coffee, which is so 2003, espresso, moccacino, hot chocolate, latte, mochafrapa, crapacinno and a few other combinations I may or may not be making up because I can’t remember them all and am not very hip. It grinds the fresh coffee beans and even lets you select your own sugar setting, which may let me finally say ‘come on gimmie some sugar’ in the office without having to go to HR.

Heck, mine was even dispensed with the wooden stick already inside of it, which is odd because no one else’s did, which is even weirder because when I got another cup (hmmm, Michael never gets a second cup from our old coffee maker) it again came with a stick stirrer when no one else’s did. Remember all that stuff I said before about how this new machine will make our office a better place and make us me a better worker? Well, I was a little to quick to call that one. Beverages from the machine were free today (we’ll have to pay a dollar for them tomorrow) so there was a non-stop trek of coworkers walking back and forth from the break room seeking or already enjoying caffeinated pleasure. It made working a little difficult since CERTAIN coworkers like trying to make witty comments to everyone who passes by. At last count, I the unnamed coworker had made 26 straight questionably witty remarks.

But that’s all beside the point. What is important here is the new coffee machine in our office. Its presence among us means we no longer have to leave our office to go to Starbucks or the donut shop or the other Starbucks or the Starbucks inside Target or even the Starbucks two blocks down from the Starbucks that is 3 blocks down from the original Starbucks I mentioned, which if I remember correctly is only minutes from the It’s A Grind, which of course is a few blocks east of the Coffee Bean, which is right before you turn at the 7-11, who of course also serves coffee, just as the AM/PM gas station center across the street from the 7-11 does. Why do I feel so exhausted right now?

I was counting how many coffee runs some of my coworkers made throughout the day and some of them got up to 4 or 5, which is just unbelievable. The coffee was free for the first day and I was able to fit in 8 trips, not counting the first one when the vending machine owner guy pressed all the buttons for me, which irritated me to no end. So yes, I went a little overboard and tried all of the combinations. Some of them twice.

I believe it was sometime after having the espresso that I yelled to duck and cover under the desks because I was feeling another earthquake aftershock. As no one else ducked, I got out from under my desk realizing it had just been the jolt of the caffeine. I don’t think anyone saw me. Well, they may have seen me but were just not choosing to acknowledge it. It’s easier for me to go with the fact that no one else saw me duck and cover for an aftershock that never happened, so that’s what I am going with. I will tell you this though, something was definitely shaking. I just wish I could be sure whether it was me or the ground.

The more time I reflect on it, I think the days of our office ‘water-cooler’ talk are over. I’m just not sure if we’ll refer to the coffee maker as the Saeco machine, the coffee machine or the dark blue altar to the goodness of Saint Juan Valdez? I tried them all out in the following sentence: ‘the scuttlebutt around the (insert name or description for coffee machine here) had me really excited…’ but none of them seemed to click.

There is one problem though. We have to start paying a dollar per cup tomorrow and there is no way I’m paying a dollar for that coffee machine’s tiny cup when I can close my eyes, point and end up at any of 7 local coffee joints around my office. Ok, yes I will. It’s got really cool buttons on it. It’s like a new arcade game with frothy prizes…at work!