Weekly News Roundup

Here are a bunch of posts I started based on things I read throughout the week that never got finished. The beauty is that if I group them together, it’s long enough (that’s what she said) to make a post. And if I give it a name like ‘weekly news roundup,’ it almost sounds important…


I Testify (In Shorts That Are Deemed To Be Too Short For The Social Good)!
I saw a news headline on Friday that caught my attention. Apparently humanity’s friend Richard Simmons testified before congress defending Physical Ed in schools. I still cannot verify whether or not he was in his trademarked workout outfit. Although if he was, you can let your school children know right now that Congress has officially decided to pull PE out of schools across the nation. I wonder how congress got him to sit still at the testification table. Did he provide his answers by yelling and singing and clapping? I bet the shock of seeing Richard Simmons in a suit would be comparable to seeing Pamela Anderson wearing a bra.

What Did You Say Your Name Was?
Imagine being 9 years old and having the name ‘Talulah Does The Hula From Hawaii.’ Seriously. Talulah is pretty cool and is probably how she was referred to, but does that mean her middle name is Does The Hula From Hawaii? When she gets in trouble, do her parents yell at her using the entire first and middle names? I bet she hates those days when there is s substitute in her classroom that doesn’t know her and reads her entire name off the role sheet. I’m sure she yells ‘HERE’ as soon as the sub calls out Talulah in the hopes of stopping her from saying the rest of it. Not only is the name too long, it’s entirely too unnecessarily descriptive. One can only imagine what her parents were doing when they decided to begin rhyming on their daughter’s birth certificate.

Fortunately, a judge in New Zealand is changing her name because no child should have a name that could be the title of a Chubby Checker song or Dr. Seuss book (Talulah Does The Hula From Hawaii.’ It Could be Maui or Kauai, but she always is very cry-y. It’s not the Mambo on a bongo or the twist with her wrist or the stroll on a pole…). Granted, I am being a hypocrite here because I named one of my daughters after a racetrack. But don’t worry; it’s not Daytona because that sounded too much like an adulty stage name, if you catch my drift…

Jumping The Shark
The next bit of news deserves some biting commentary. American Idol host Ryan Seacrest had a scary encounter recently and had to blab talk about it on his radio show. It seems he was bitten by a shark. Oh the humanity! He lived to tell about it though, perhaps because Ryan was wearing a sea vest? Get it Seacrest, sea vest? Hey, I just jumped the shark and didn’t have to get my pseudo-pompadour or leather jacket wet to do so! That’s all I really had to share about this story. Basically, the only reason I included it was to be able to make my Ryan Sea Vest joke.

Things You Never Expected To See But Did
Except for the fact that I had to tell almost everyone I know about these next two items, I really wouldn’t consider them to be news. I was out jogging the other day (ok, it wasn’t jogging, just really brisk walking, but that doesn’t sound as athletic) when I could have sworn I heard ‘Silent Night’ playing. At first I just chalked it up to the usual dizziness, shortness of breath and general confusion that happens when I tend to exercise. But then I thought I heard ‘O Christmas Tree.’ Since two makes a pattern (I’ll give you an example: I had twin children, therefore, I have a pattern of children), I figured this was really happening and not just a reaction to my lack of oxygen. Christmas songs outside in the middle of July? How is this happening, I thought. And more importantly, why didn’t I know about it? I wasn’t sure if it was someone’s music box or those outside decorations people put up during the holidays that play music, but the noise was definitely getting louder. And then I saw it. It was coming from an ICE CREAM TRUCK. I couldn’t get over it. An ice cream truck playing Christmas music in the middle of the summer! The part that really got me was the song selection. Are ‘Silent Night’ and ‘O Christmas Tree’ really the first holiday songs that come to mind when outfitting an ice cream truck? It struck me as blogwothy, and I’m not just saying that because everyone else I told responded with ‘so?’

And then there was what I saw while driving home from work the other night. I have to pass a funeral home every night, so I’m accustomed to seeing mourners dressed in dark clothing outside either waiting for the funeral service to start or just leaving the service. The other night was quite different though. The first thing that caught my attention were the yellow and blue balloons tied to the hearse and the doors of the mortuary. Obviously my first thought was that a clown had died. This thought changed slightly though when I saw the Mariachi band outside singing and playing their instruments. Ok, I figured, maybe it was a clown of Hispanic heritage. And then I saw the people drinking from small plastic cups with cocktail napkins in their hands. This really threw me. Maybe, just maybe it was a Hispanic clown who had very good taste and an appreciation for the finer things. You know, the finer things that require cocktail napkins. I realized that was stretching it. Then I figured out that it was probably something like an open house. I’d never thought of shopping around for funeral homes before, but now I can tell my family that I want my final arrangements handled by the place that had the cool balloons and really good cookies. Knowing that will happen is sure to make me rest in peace, unless of course I decide upon cremation. Then I’ll rest in lots of pieces…


Have a great weekend everybody and remember to send me the questions that keep you up at night so I can make something up research it for you and answer them for Q&A Monday.