Let’s Hear Mellencamp Sing About This Town

I decided to rework an old post today in light of the fact that I slammed a yo-yo off my head while trying yo-yo tricks at work and still have a slight headache. Fortunately everyone was on a conference call in my boss’ office at the time of the accident mishap work related injury sustainment so nobody else noticed. By the same token, no one noticed I wasn’t in on the meeting either, so I’m choosing to take that as a very good sign that it wasn’t a conference call I was supposed to be on but missed because I was working…on my yo-yo tricks. Now, if you’ll please indulge me as I revisit a very, very goofy post about what I think would be utopia…

I read recently that there was a small town listed for bid on E-Bay. Apparently it was just a few buildings but because it used to have a post office it can be considered a real deal town. That just goes to show you how much times have changed. Now days, if it has a Starbucks it can be considered a real town. How cool would it be to own a town? Very, I say. I could buy a town and join the ranks of other famous town owners like Kim Basinger and, uh...Hmmm, perhaps using the plural version of owner was a bit ambitious there.

When you buy a town, I wonder if you get to rename it. I hope so. I’d hate to spend that type of money and be stuck with someone else’s town name, unless it gets me a discount. Discounts are very powerful tools; just ask Wal-Mart on the Friday after Thanksgiving. I think I’d call it something that would be easy to read on a small map and could be readily understood by everyone passing through. This is something that really deserves a lot of thought, so for now I will just assign my town the working name of Townshipvilleberry until I can devote the necessary thought to it.

I’m hoping the name will evoke images of olden, small town, middle America, back in the good ole days, with a splash of Disneyland Main Street to flavor it a little. My town would be very inviting and open to all. Where the money would come from to establish this town is beyond me, especially after paying to obtain the town in the first place. So, we’ll just assume that I have the money to both buy AND fix up the town. To help you better imagine my town, I am trying for a finished project that will be something between Mayberry and New Rochelle (bonus points to anyone who knows what show was set in New Rochelle*), although I’ve only seen both of those towns in black and white, so maybe I should shoot for Oz. That had plenty of cinemascopey color from what I remember.

That all being said, I would commission a beautiful sign at the border of my town welcoming everyone to the town. I would seek out corporate sponsorship to somehow offset the cost of the sign (and the town), so the sign may read something like: ‘Welcome To Townshipvilleberry, sponsored by Coca-Cola and presented by Procter and Gamble.’ Yeah, corporate sponsorship is always a last result, but think of what the additional funds will let me do with my town.

There would definitely need to be an old-fashioned main street in my town complete with gazebo where people could perform and public celebrations could be held. It shall be called the Bank of America Gazebo, presented by Frito-Lay. My town would also need a gas station, bowling alley, laser tag facility, mini-golf course, bounce house birthday place, movie theater, town hall, fire house, hot dog/burger dive, fondue joint and old-fashioned malt shoppe (notice the fancy ‘e’ on the end there? This is going to be one top-notch town). Oh, it would need a Bar-B-Ques galore, too. Seriously, have you ever seen a town without a Bar-B-Ques Galore? Ok, a SUCCESSFUL town without one? And a Chili’s. Every town needs a Chili’s. Maybe they can get away without that stuff over in Crapsville, but most certainly not in Townshipvilleberry.

Since I paid for the town, I believe that entitles me to mayorialship (my word, but feel free to use it). Having never held public office, I don’t know what my mayorialship would require of me, but I’m hoping it’s stuff like judging pie eating contests, beauty contests, figuring out how to spend the town’s money and lots of ‘official’ afternoon naps. And maybe a cool convertible Cadillac like Boss Hogg had. I’m also counting on an oversized pair of scissors I can carry around for official ribbon cuttings. A sash that says ‘Mayor’ would be pretty snazzy too. I’d like a top hat, but if I have to choose between them, I’ll take the sash. Unless you think the top hat would be better. I’m not too informed when it comes to fashion, except for my Dunder-Mifflin t-shirt. That one gets lots of noticement.

I suppose folks are going to want to live in my town, so a homebuilder would be necessary. And once you build homes, you need grocery stores and sprinklers and a newspaper. Then comes a police force, schools, eventually an airport, a dump, a hospital, Target, a McDonalds and then an In N Out Burger. Wow, this is going to get expensive. I think the first thing I’ll do as mayor will be to pass a law declaring that deficit spending is ok and that I will need to raise taxes. To avoid having too high a tax rate I will open corporate sponsorship up to all public facilities. The school can be sponsored by Crayola, the police station by ‘Cops on FOX’ and the airport by Jet Blue. Wait, are they still in business? For fun I could try to get Burger King to sponsor the McDonalds. And just picture a sign that reads ‘Target – Presented by Wal-Mart.’

On second thought, just thinking of all this stuff is making me tired. Perhaps I’ll just buy the town and ‘flip’ it for a profit. I watch people successfully ‘flip’ properties all the time on HGTV. And they don’t have their own Bar-B-Ques Galore. Or Chili’s.

*Disclaimer – bonus points awarded on this blog may be plentiful but are not redeemable at this time.