Going To The Suggestion Box

At the end of last week, one of the newer readers here gave me a great suggestion. E told me to get topic suggestions and file them away for those days where my mind is infertile as an 88-year-old woman or barren desert or better yet, an 88-year-old woman in a barren desert, take your pick. Not only was E’s suggestion a good idea, she actually got the topic suggestion box going with a few submissions of her own. I will attempt to tackle E’s suggested topics today, though after I’m done, my suggestion box will be empty again. I guess it’s feast or famine. I also forgot to take my camera to work again today today and alas cannot post my Wednesday Window of the Week pic. I used ‘alas’ to make it seem more dramatic. It’s not normally part of my daily vocab.

E’s first topic suggestion concerns mullets and perms, but not just any mullets and perms, mullets and perms circa 1990. Since I don’t know what circa means, I’m not sure how to approach this. I’m kidding. Of course I know that circa is the scientific name for killer whales, like Shamu, though I have no idea how that relates to the year 1990. Perhaps that is when ‘Free Willy’ came out?

Perms may not be as in style as they were back in the days of the Brady Bunch and The Carol Burnett show, but I know people still get them. I can’t remember anyone in my class or age group having perms around 1990. I do however remember my mom having one. I also remember how badly the perm stuff smelled. I’m not quite sure why that smell could not have been masked my a better scent like coconut or grape snow cone, but not doing so was a real case of nasal neglect. The whole house would smell of perm, often driving my father, brother and I to go out to McDonalds or something. Well, I guess that’s not all bad, except for the part where we would return and the house would still reek of perm. Needless to say, I am not a fan of the essence of perm.

Then there’s the mullet. I can’t say a whole lot about the mullet, but fortunately it was not dependent on the scent of perm. Being in So Cal in the early 90s, I don’t recall ever seeing a mullet. Well, when the K-mart in the middle of town was open I may have spied one or two, but back then, it was a rare sight. I do remember seeing lots of fades and the girls who made their bangs as tall as a small office building. I swear they would pull their bangs, press it against a flat board and use enough hair spray to create a floating toxic cloud the size of Manhattan, which I have seen from the air and can tell you is quite large. I’m speaking of the size of Manhattan, not the toxic cloud. I merely used the size of Manhattan for illustrative purposes. I highly doubt the hair spray cloud is that big, but now it’s irrelevant because I had to explain it. At any rate, fades and big hair are the dos (as in dues, like hairdos, not the Spanish word for the #2) I remember.

Nowadays, mullets and perms can go quite well together, if you are in country music. It’s like Dolly meets Travis Tritt. I think Reba was also a causality of the big hair days. I’d mention Billy Ray here, but E has brought him up in a later topic suggestion. Yes, the mullet may be the embodiment of efficiency with its business in the front/party in the back, but the perm takes it one-step further. The perm is always ready to go. Constant curls equals constant action. Heck, even William Shatner sported the perm in TJ Hooker.

Next, E asks if Britney Spears can make a comeback. My answer depends on whether the comeback is mentally and parentally or musically. Actually, no it doesn’t it. I gotta go with ‘no’ on all fronts. I’d give it about 5 years and then she’ll be doing the celebrity reality circuit, stuck in a house with Pat Sajack, Miley, at least one cast member a piece from ‘Dancing With The Stars’ and ‘High School Musical.’ She won’t win. I also see Oprah in her future, followed by either Kabala or The Church of Scientology. And lots of plastic surgery. And sadly, a few more failed marriages. But don’t call it a comeback! Sorry, that lyric has been in my head since first typing the word ‘comeback’ up there a few sentences ago.

Another topic in the suggestion box is ‘Who’s on your laminated card?’ Uh, I’m supposed to have a laminated card with someone on it? Will a card stock frequent diner card from the BBQ place down the street from my office do? Or how about my Golden Spoon frozen yogurt card? I only need two more stamps on it before I get a free one. Actually, I think my driver’s license is laminated. If that counts, then I am on it. I also have the card I made that shows which excuse to use for getting to work late. I’ve found you can be much more credible when you have a credit card sized chart to help you keep track of the excuses you are using.

It just occurred to me that maybe laminated card is another way of saying emergency card or emergency contact. If that’s the case, then my cell phone and other contact info is on it. That way, if something happens to me, the authorities can call my cell phone and leave a message about my emergency situation so when my wife and children retrieve it from the hospital or coroner’s office, they can check my voicemail and hear the message informing them that I have been injured or in some other type of emergency. Wait a minute, there might be an easier way to inform my relatives. Let me think about this for a little while.

Lastly, E suggested I tackle the great ongoing public debate right now regarding who to back this year. That’s right; she wanted my take on who's smarter - Billy Ray Cyrus or Pam Anderson? As you might imagine, this is a real toughie. Both have undergone major transformations during the last several years. Billy Ray has gone from mullet (told you that would come up) to long hair and from country heartthrob (not my words) to TV personality. I guess we could refer to him as an actor.

On the other hand, Pamela Anderson has increased the size of her jumbas and then decreased them and then increased them again. She has also married a rocker and then divorced a rocker. However, she doesn’t have 3 names and isn’t riding her child’s coattails to relaunch her career. Plus, she never recorded one of my favorite country songs, ‘Words By Heart,’ so I gotta go with Billy Ray. And yes, saying that publicly does ache and break my heart. I know. I know. You saw that coming…