A Sport For Kings…And Rooks…And Bishops…And, Boxers?

I recently read (in more than one place, which means it’s really important) about a new sport. Or possibly it’s a sport that’s been around for a while but no one knows about it. I know I certainly didn’t. Are you ready? It’s called Chess Boxing. When I first heard about it, I just assumed that boxers dressed up like certain chess pieces and could only move around the boxing ring in the manner that was allowed for the particular chess piece they were portraying, but then some have accused me of having an overactive imagination.

It turns out that chess boxing is exactly what it says. It’s a round of boxing followed by a round of chess. That’s right, the competitors physically box and then beat the rook to pawn 4 out of each other and then sit down to play another round of chess, then take a quick break and start boxing again. While it seems like the perfect Hanz N Franz SNL skit (‘don’t be such a girly pawn’), it’s a real deal sporting event. You could say it’s pugilistic pawning. Or not. Actually, don’t say it; people might look at you funny.

When you stop to think about it, it’s the perfect sport for the intellectual who wants to flex a little muscle. Kind of a Clark Kent sport. However, since I suck the big straw of suckyness at both of those events, the sport is not for me. I just wonder as the boxing rounds add up how well the punch-drunk boxers are able to execute their chess moves. Even though I am not good at it, I have played chess before and I have to say that it’s not really the type of game that makes me want to sock it to someone. And having just quoted Laugh-In, I am now going to find a hole and crawl inside it for a few months. It’ll give me time to ponder all the other great sporting combinations that have yet to be exploited invented.

Now if the game played in between rounds of boxing was Monopoly, then I could get into the hitting mood. Have you ever played Monopoly with that really annoying person (and no, it’s not me) who gloats every time you land on their property that has a hotel? Yes friends, that’s the type of person I’d like to go a few rounds with. Or how about Yahtzee? You know what I mean; you get to the point where you have to start scratching off score combinations you know you won’t be able to roll while your opponent is rolling everything they need. Again, that’s when it’s time to lace up the leather. I don’t know if ‘lacing up the leather’ is really the cool way to say ‘put on your boxing gloves,’ but I’m hoping for a few coolness points, especially after quoting Laugh-In. And I like using ‘quotation marks’ as ‘often as I can.’ ‘You know what I mean?’ Ok, it’s out of my system.

By the way, that reminds me to share a little nugget of daily wisdom with you. Try to avoid singing the ‘sock it to me’ part of Aretha’s ‘Respect’ when around children, no matter how fun it is singing that part. I did so while driving with Lucy and Ethel and it literally took me 30 of the 45 minutes of our drive time to explain what that phrase meant. Although I have to admit that it was fun getting little children to sing ‘sock it to me’ over and over again. I swear if you give kids enough candy, you can get them to say anything.

Chess Boxing reminds me of writing a post a few years ago about Eel tossing competitions in Britain. I also know there is a cell phone tossing competition and an official Rocks, Paper Scissors league. As the world prepares for the XVBR^%$#@ Olympiad (I couldn’t remember the real number and probably over did it there, sorry) in Beijing, maybe it’s time an alternate Olympics is held with all of the sports that are too odd to be included in the traditional Olympics, like pole vaulting. Since Curling (one of my favorite sports to watch) is already in the Winter Olympics, we could add Bocce Ball to the Alternative Summer Olympics. I don’t want to brag, but I could really throw it down in my younger days. Or should I say ‘I could Bocce like a mutha?’ The fact that my friends and I spent so many weekends in college and high school playing Bocce Ball, as opposed to say, I don’t know, dating, is entirely beside the point here. I would relish representing my country in the Alternative Olympics as a Bocceist, especially marching into the main stadium in some ‘alternative’ city like Needles, California while some ‘alternative’ performer like Weird Al or Englebert Humperdink sings our national anthem.

Ok, clearly I have gotten ‘carried away’ here and should have cut this short paragraphs ago. I need to remember that I do not get ‘paid per word.’ Now I wish I’d come up with an ‘alternative’ post for today. ‘Bocce Ball rules!!!’