Here’s Something To Chew On

I just finished reading a report from Reuters that said scientists in London have created a chewing gum that doesn’t stick. Well at least it doesn’t stick to streets and clothes and stuff like that. There was no mention of sticking to skin and hair, which of course are the two problem areas I have most often while chewing it. Ok, not the actual chewing, but more the blowing of bubbles.

I chew gum a lot to keep me from snacking. I also chew gum to keep me from saying stupid things. However, this requires several pieces and it often makes my jaw hurt. I don’t want to brag, but I am a pretty good bubble blower with enough gum in my mouth. Picture a baseball player with his cheek full of chew and then multiply it twice and that’s how much gum I like to blow bubbles with. Lucy and Ethel like to pop them when I do this, hence my concern about being able to have non-stick gum that will easily come off of hair and skin. I mean gum that doesn’t stick to pavement is great for the aesthetic of our local neighborhoods, but unless I fall face first onto the pavement with a big bubble gum bubble sticking out of my mouth, gum that doesn’t stick to the pavement really does nothing for me.

Have you ever been jogging or walking and you realize you have inhaled a small bug or insect? Come on, you must have. Quit laughing at me! I wonder if gum would act as a good barrier and trap said insect before you swallow it. It would save me the embarrassment of gagging while exercising in public trying to heave the inhaled insect back up. One of these days, someone is actually going to stop while driving by when they see me out gagging and it’s really going to be embarrassing. I imagine it’ll go something like this:

Nice motorist: hey are you ok? Are you having a heart attack? I can tell from your nicely muscular legs and your physique that you must be exercising. (Hey, it’s my story) Did you over-exert yourself?

Me: cough, ack, cough. Uh, no, I swallowed I fly, perhaps I’ll die.

Nice motorist: you’re choking on a fly? Ha!!! You lame-ass, what are you doing exercising outside with your mouth open? Idiot….oh man, is that Barry Manilow coming from your MP3 player? Too bad you didn’t swallow a venomous spider instead…
(jerky motorist speeds off and crashes into light pole)

Me: You won’t mess with Barry again will you? Bwahahahahahahaha!!
(fly enters my mouth again during evil laugh)
Oh $$%&%&^*&%^&^*%, I really gotta learn to keep my mouth shut!!!

While I took a few liberties in creating that situation for you, you can easily see how needed a gum is that can trap bugs from flying down one’s throat, especially when exercising in public. Another development I would like to see with gum is one that’s flavor does not diminish or that changes flavors throughout the chewing process. I think this may have been done for the chick that blows up like a blueberry in the original Willy Wonka. So apparently, we must have the technology to do this because if I remember correctly, you can’t show something in a movie unless you can really reproduce it in real life.

I really am not sure what all makes gum. I think it’s the chicklet or the gum-gum tree, so I decided to do away with tradition and actually research the answer on Wikipedia, where it it’s printed, it’s proof. I stopped my research after the fist paragraph when I came across this description of gum: ‘many modern chewing gums use petroleum-based polymers instead of chicle.’ Uh, yummy? I didn’t realize that chewing gum had two of my favorite ingredients: petroleum, which burns quite nicely, especially around the BBQ and polymers, because it sounds so modern. So basically, the way I see it, the modern piece of gum is made of the same things that our newest stealthy spy planes are. If that’s so true, then how come everyone knows when I am chewing gum and asks me to stop chewing like a cow? My gum really doesn’t seem to be that stealthy. Perhaps it’s the grape flavor. I don’t think the stealth bomber is coated in grape, but then again, I’ve never licked one. And if I tried, I could almost guarantee that I would be detained by some military officers, who in an ironic twist, would probably be chewing gum.

Important shout out: Because she was kind enough to make me an honoUrary Canadian the other day, I have bestowed upon Airam the title of honoUrary Southern California. She used ‘like’ and ‘dude’ in the same sentence, so really, how could I resist?

****Because of my work’s Monday night Booze Cruise, Q&A Tuesday will be on Wednesday again this week****