The Blank Page Or Bailed Out By Bullets

I sat down to write today’s post and nothing came out. I guess I am suffering from ‘blogstipation.’ I don’t believe there is an actual medicinal cure for blogstipation as it can only be cured by stupid things happening in the news, to me or to my coworkers. Unfortunately, come blog time, none of those things had yet to happen. I tried to ‘create’ a little blog magic by starting a rumor about on of my employees that involved raw fish and a weed whacker, but it really never spread like the wild fire I hoped it would turn into. I changed my cell phone’s ring tone to Homer Simpson saying ‘DOH’ 32 different ways, but that only humored my coworkers instead of annoyed them. Then I tried to teach Lucy and Ethel famous TV catch phrases but they were more interested in watching another episode of Dirty Jobs. By the way, how exactly should I take it when my 5 year-olds ask why I don’t get dirty like Mike Rowe?

Despite all of these attempts at manufacturing something to write about today, I came up with a big fat ostrich egg. The big zilch. The infinite nothingness. That last few rotations on an old record before the needle falls off. The sum total of 0 + 0. The net worth of my PEZ collection. Yep, nada. Then I remembered seeing what some of my favorite bloggers have done from time to time: bullet points. I have never been bold enough to try bullet points, but figured there is no better time for them than during a Kirk/Spock hand-duel to the death with blogstipation. So, here are random bullets that recently occurred to me but that I was too lazy too busy to turn into full posts:

* How is it humanly possible that I can watch movies like ‘Tommy Boy’ and ‘So I Married An Axe Murderer’ a hundred times yet still laugh uncontrollably when the same joke happens over and over again? Speaking of ‘Tommy Boy,’ why didn’t ‘Holy Schnike’ become as popular as ‘Yo Quiero Taco Bell?’

* Why are the ‘crotch shot’ and other accidents made famous by America’s Funniest Home Videos so funny, especially when it hurts so much? To test my theory and determine whether it was just me or something innately funny about it, I had Lucy and Ethel watch AFV with me a few months back. Turns out it’s not just me. Heck, they laughed harder than I did…and then proceeded to slam a pillow into my man area. Curious thing though, I was no longer laughing.

* The fact that the word ‘angus’ sounds so much like ‘anus’ is a wonderous dietary tool. Every time I am tempted to order angus beef or an angus burger, I sound the word ‘angus’ out really fast and no longer crave it. The same technique also applies to shitake mushrooms.

* If there is a 99 cent store down the street from Big Lots and near a Dollar Zone store and up the street from the 98 Cent Market, why don’t I open a 97 Cent House of Bargains and take all of my competitors’ business? Or should I just find a job in a city that doesn’t have so many cheap stores within 2 square miles of each other?

* Why did both CHIPS and Battlestar Gallactica feel the need to have an overweight guy? And did the overweight guy on CHIPS really have to have a name like Grossman? What would have been wrong with calling him Officer Steve McSkinny or Officer Slim Danielson?

* No matter how old or mature I get, I will never, ever get bored of the fact that I have a Cousin Oliver like the Brady Bunch did.

* Does telling people that I was ‘giggling like a 12 year old schoolgirl’ make it harder to maintain my macho image? Is macho still a word? How come I have yet to be in a restaurant where they serve Macho Nachos? Should I copyright the name Macho Nachos? Would it be wrong to name any child I may have in the future Chimi Changa? It’s a great name for a golfer.

* Should I still proceed with my sitcom idea for a guy who lives his life according to what the late Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Carray tells him to do in his dreams each night? Could I actually call the sitcom Holy Cow?

* How is it that I love listening to Louis Prima but by the second half of Disc 2 of his ‘Ultra Lounge’ 2 CD set I am ready to commit horrible crimes of destruction against stationary objects?

* When will producers at the Food Network, Discovery Channel or Travel Channel bite on one of my show ideas. They can take their pick of ‘Sitcom Travel,’ ‘Taking The Country By Song,’ ‘Normal People In Normal Places Doing Normal Things,’ ‘Old People Telling Stories,’ ‘Weird Hobbies And Collections,’ ‘The Great American Scar Comparison Challenge,’ ‘Taking The Fork In The Road,’ ‘Holy Crap That Smells Good,’ ‘How Will This Taste Barbequed,’ or my newest idea, ‘Look At That Abandoned Thing On The Roadside.’

Ok, I’m out of bullets. The thought gun is empty. Perhaps I’ll have to develop some of these into full posts. But then again, maybe I’ll finally get access to Socially Oblivious Guy’s computer to be able switch his mouse speed all the way to slow next time he leaves the office and won’t need to turn these into full posts after all.