It’s A Mess O’Fun Wrapped In A Tortilla

The AP reported Sunday that Coney Island hot dog eating contest regular Eater-X won the world burrito eating championship. In 12 minutes he ate 10 ¾ burritos. One of his closest competitors was another hot dog perennial contenders and my personal hero, Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, the world lobster-eating champ. Come on, how did I miss that opportunity? I haven’t eaten a whole fresh (meaning non-frozen or just a tail from Costco) Maine-lobster since the summer of 2001. Give me the opportunity to compete today and I’d triple the world record. Then I would collapse and have to have my stomach pumped. Then I’d wake up and cry that I wasted so much lobster. I mean a good hard ‘I can’t believe they cancelled ‘Reba’ cry.’

Well, speaking of Maine (sorry segues were never my strong point), the burrito-eating contest was held in South Portland, Maine. Hmm, does that strike anyone else as the slightest, leastest (my word, but you can steal it) bit odd? Let’s see, Maine…of course there’s lobster, maybe chowda (that’s a regional dialect), maybe even natural casing hot dogs with spilt top buns, but burritos? I would think that would be held in one of the southwestern states like the one I currently reside in. Although now I am kind of curious about the taste of a Maine burrito. See, say it out loud. It doesn’t even sound right. Ok, not that I write my posts while speaking out loud…unless I’m having a problem with sentence structure. It would be like having a Gumbo eating contest in Needles, California or the Danish tourist town of Solvang, California. Or how about a Poi eating contest in South Dakota instead of Hawaii. Heck, how about lutefisk in Rhode Island? Whoa, I think I just found the theatrical companion piece to my musical ‘Nylons in Arizona’ – ‘Lutefisk in Rhode Island.’ Email me now and I’ll give you a percentage of the licensing, like little lutefisk shaped oven mitts.

Now, back to the burrito. Hey, I should write that down. It’s a got a nice ring to it, too. Well, maybe not. I’ve already written enough today. Can you imagine that many burritos in one sitting? Can you imagine more than one in one sitting? Gheesh, think about what that would do to the stomachal region (seriously, I saw that in a medical reference book…or maybe it was MASH…or Scrubs…it really doesn’t matter). Just think gastric blowout because that’s the nicest term I can come up with. I mean I just drank a spicy V8 and am feeling the effects!

Downing hot dogs and buns soaked with water is one thing, but downing whole burritos with rice and cheese and salsa is something entirely different. I’m assuming that elastic waistbands are necessary when attempting this type of feat. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be around the competitors after the competition as the body tries to process what was just forced into it. Just think about the noises, the…on second thought, never mind. I wonder if Eater X now makes everyone announce him as the World Burrito Eating Champion every time he enters a room in the same fashion that the President gets to hear Hail to the Chief every time he enters a room. I also wonder when Eater X is going to want to go out for Mexican food again. Something tells me it’s going to be awhile. At least I hope it’s awhile, as do those that have to spend time around him for the next few days.

Next time I’m in Maine I guess I can add burritos to the to-do list. Maybe they’ll put lobster in them! Though even if they do, I'm only eating one...