Now THAT Was A Road Trip

Earlier this week, OK, this week back in 1930, perhaps one of the coolest road trips ever came to an end just over 40 days after it started. Two men arrived in New York after making a round trip to LA and back. I know just what you are asking, ‘where’s the story about melted cheese,’ ‘how did your twins terrorize you most recently,’ ‘is that really what she said?’ Ok, seriously, you are probably asking why this was the greatest road trip ever. Honestly, I have no freaking idea, I just couldn’t think of a better intro. However, it may have something to do with the fact that the road trip was completed entirely backwards, but that’s just a guess.

Yep the 1930 cross-continent trip was done with the two men’s Model A Ford in reverse…the entire time. Now I have seen ‘Smokey and the Bandit,’ I have seen ‘Tommy Boy’ and I have even seen (appropriately enough) ‘Road Trip,’ but I gotta tell ya, driving backwards for almost 5,000 miles beats all of them, and remember every thing that Burt Reynolds did in his Trans-Am. Although I guess in a time where there were no chair or roof mounted DVD players or game consoles, CD players or even cruise control, something had to be done to bring a little excitement to the road trip. I would love to have been a fly on the white walls when they had their discussion about driving backwards. As many things like this often do, it smacks of a drunken dare. Since this was before most highways as we know them today were built (I guess think), it made the feat even more impressive.

Now I’m not saying that it would be much less impressive today. It would certainly be illegal and dangerous, but that just equates to it being more fun. I’m sure one of ESPN’s many channels would cover it and no later than a few days into the trip I’m sure the car would be sponsored, most likely by something that could tie in to the backwards trip. Maybe Caterpillar’s new line of backhoes (why do I feel like that needs a That’s What She Said?), a water filer that utilizes REVERSE osmosis or maybe a manufacturer of rear view mirrors. OK, those are lame, but look at the material I have to work with.

As the end of summer was closing in these last few weeks, I came to the realization that I missed out on taking a road trip of my own this year. I love driving for no reason and I love road trips. The idea of getting a bunch of friends together, fighting over the music, arguing about who gets to use the map highly sophisticated GPS device and deciding against better judgment what roadside choke ‘n puke to eat at just sounds like so much fun doesn’t it.

Of course a road trip needs a destination and I have a few that I’ve always wanted to road trip to. The first one would be a culinary road trip across country to savor the many great foods that our country has to offer (like Disco Fries and Fondue), and yes, my final destination would be a roadside lobster shack. I love road trips to Vegas, but for some reason, and despite my obvious display of gleeful enjoyment, no one else has ever appreciated as much as I do me putting ‘Viva Las Vegas’ on the stereo as we hit the last grade and descend down into Vegas. In fact, many times I have been asked to ‘turn that crap off!’

Another trip would be to Graceland, preferably in a very large older Cadillac. I’m still not 100% decided on requiring all of my fellow road trippers to dress up in sequined Elvis jumpsuits, but am leaning heavily towards it. I think that touring cheese factories across the country would be a lot of fun, possibly a little stinky, but fun nonetheless. For everyone sick of hearing about cheese, most dairies make fantastic ice cream, too. If you are lactose intolerant, I’m sure there is a public library or roadside fruit stand we can drop you off at until we are done. Lastly, I would want to take a road trip to famous movie and TV locales. I’d add the Brady Bunch house, Richie Cunningham’s house, the Munster’s house and Beaver Cleaver’s house. Yes, I realize all of those are in Los Angeles (and that they are all houses), but I never said how long this road trip would be. It’s a day trip, how’s that. Then we’ll all stop at Pinks for their famous hot dogs when we’re done and I’d have you home in time for Jeopardy. For a little longer travel time, I’d plan my route to include Forrest Gump’s mamma’s house, Ralphie Parker’s home from A Christmas Story, the fishing pond that Andy and Opie Taylor walk to at the beginning of the Andy Griffith Show and the brewery used for the opening credits of Laverne and Shirley.

If I were really on my game, I would burn a companion travel CD containing all of the theme songs from these shows to listen to while we drive. Granted it’s not putting the car in reverse and driving across country, but think of how much fun it would be to team-whistle (yeah, I think it’s a real term. Why do you ask?) the Andy Griffith Show theme or team-sing the Schlemiel Schlimazel part from Laverne and Shirley while speeding down the highway with McDonald’s wrappers whirling all over the place. Now, should we do rock/papers/scissors to decide who’s gonna pay for the first tank of gas?