I Don’t Think This Is What They Intended

Things changed forever at work on Tuesday. Perhaps I am making that too dramatic, but things did change. After months of speculation and promises, it finally happened. My coworkers and I officially got our company leashes. Yep, we now have company issued cell phones. And these aren’t your run of the mill Moto Razors, these are the nice NEXTEL phones (did my sarcasm come through there?).

Yeah, you know the ones I’m talking about. If not, let’s put it this way, we are calling these new phones ‘the brick.’ It’s funny because I thought technology had made huge strides to make things smaller and then we get the bricks. However, there is one feature of the brick that made us all forget about complain less about them. It’s NEXTEL’s direct connect press to talk feature. Basically, we are all carrying around company walkie talkies now. Needless to say, it took us all collectively about 1.5 minutes to realize the full potential of this feature and in no time we had all traded numbers and it sounded like a trucker’s convoy in the office. It’s really made everyone’s day just a little brighter getting to say things like ‘over,’ ‘out,’ ‘do you copy,’ ‘what’s your 20’ and the mother of all great CB sayings ‘10-4.’ I added a ‘breaker, breaker’ and ended certain words with ‘ner,’ as in ‘niner,’ but it really didn’t catch on. I’m working on Roscoe’s laugh from The Dukes of Hazzard, but people are saying I’m spending too much time on this stuff.

I know having these phones has made me more efficient at work. I announced (via NEXTEL of course) that I would no longer be walking down to anyone’s office and that I would communicate with them by NEXTEL only. At first everyone laughed at me, which is not unusual in the office. Those laughs stopped and turned to words of praise though when they realized just how easy this new way of communicating in the office really is. I’m still working on assigning everyone call names…or handles, to use the real CB parlance (did it sound authentic there? That’s what I was going for). I have requested either Bandit or Snowman. Hopefully I don’t have to tell you why. I proposed that we give our boss the handle of Smokey. No one jumped on the idea.

I can tell that this new technology is going to make me lazy. I have already thought about getting one for personal use and also giving one each to Lucy and Ethel. That way when I need something, they are a button away. Really, who likes yelling upstairs to inform their children that it’s dinner time? When they are out playing in the backyard and I need them to come into the house, it’s such an inconvenience to have to get up during my favorite show, walk the few feet to the sliding glass door and tell them something. Sure I’ve got TiVO and I could pause said favorite show, but think of the wear and tear on my ‘remote control’ finger.

Yes having a cell phone is a convenience, but in these busy times, who really has the time to wait for the dialing and ringing stuff that is so much a part of the modern telephone process. I know I don’t. You may not have picked up on this, but I’m a busy guy. I have to go to work, think of good pranks while there and try to actually avoid doing any work (which we all know is harder than the work itself), drive home, stop at the grocery store to look at the lobster tails (it’s my window shopping), get the charcoal lit on the BBQ, dunk my arm in water after nearly exploding it off while spraying lighter fluid directly onto the roaring flames of the very same BBQ, grill meat while playing with the dog, play with and pass my wisdom off to Lucy and Ethel and of course, blog. Having to walk down office halls, walk upstairs to the twins’ room or dial a number and wait for it to ring really just slows me down. Yes, this new NEXTEL is sure going to make my life easier. And I didn't even have to pay for it!

Oh, did I mention it has GPS technology? We all think that our management is going to start keeping tabs on us. Not to worry, I’ve wrapped my phone with an entire box of Tin Foil to repel the satellite beams. Sure it’s heavier, noisy and reflects light with the brightness of the sun, but I get to walk around without anyone knowing my coordinates. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get on the NEXTEL and ask the guy I share a cubicle wall with what time it is…