The Upset Of The Century

According to the AP, the boy picked to most likely win this year’s national spelling bee (you mean people actually care enough to rank the favorites) has been ousted from the event. It’s a stunning development, especially when you know all of the circumstances surrounding his ouster.

Fortunately, I do. The boy was given the word ‘clevis,’ which is apparently a type of fastener. If you haven’t heard of ‘clevis’ before, it’s probably because you are more familiar with its other name, which is ‘fastener.’ The boy thought that the judge had given him the word ‘cleavage’ and giggled his way through the spelling of ‘c-l-e-e-v-u-g-e.’ He was stunned when he was told that not only had he spelled it incorrectly, but he had attempted to spell the wrong word.

Ok, I made most of that up. The word was clevis and he did spell it wrong, but I added the cleavage part to punch the story up a bit. The AP says that the boy’s mom is appealing his loss. I’m not sure what that means or how they decide on the appeal. Do the judges confer in a backroom and watch tapes of the contestant spelling out the incorrect word in slow motion? Do they ask the boy to spell it again? I wish there were things in my life I could appeal like that, but that’s for another day.

The excitement I don’t feel about the national spelling bee got me thinking of ways to create more buzz about the event and liven up the competition aspect of it. I thought about having the participants play a form of dodge ball with those old heavy lawn darts we grew up with to determine who moves on to the next round. The only problem with that is it might deter some people from competing. Obviously, death or stoning as the penalty for an incorrect word would be appealing, but I’m not sure the national spelling bee folks could get the appropriate permits for a venue to hold the event. As you can see, there aren’t a lot of options.

That leads us to the spelling part. I guess we could tinker with that a little. Since anyone can memorize the dictionary maybe we should broaden our pick of the words used for the spelling bee. How about making up words? This would really keep the competitors in check and create suspense for the viewers about what the next word would be and how it should be spelled. ‘OK, spell the word puthemoligticalousness, as in the puthemoligticalousness of the patient will be tested when the patient gets to the dairy…’

I would watch that. Heck, maybe there could be a contest tie-in where the best-submitted words and definitions from across the country are chosen for use in the competition. The kids could also be asked to spell Eastern European, Polish or Middle Eastern last names. That should raise the level of difficulty just a little. As would the addition of words from the category ‘Czechoslovakian town names.’ Is it just me or does that sound like a category on Jeopardy? Leafing through a medical journal would add a twist. Having the judges intentionally mispronounce words would be fun, too. Lastly, I think there should be a category of words titled ‘words and names from the letters Q and K in the Residential Listings of the phone book.’ I don’t think we’ll see that one on Jeopardy any time soon. Imagine the highlight reel as the children attempt to spell all of these different difficult words. We’re talking America’s Funniest Home Videos material here!

I don’t know if anyone will listen to my ideas of how to improve the national spelling bee, but I can tell you that sometime tonight, the next champion of the spelling bee will be crowned. Will anyone care? Who will notice? Just a thought. By the way, is it spelled ‘defence’ lawyer or ‘defense’ lawyer, as in ‘I had better go get me a defense lawyer to defend me against the national spelling bee.’

6/1/07 STORY UPDATE: I would also like to point out that the winner last night was a Californian! Woo Hoo! I guess the part about nobody noticing was slightly incorrect..Oh well, at least the winner proved that we Californuns are gud spelurs, right?

I also woke up this morning with an irregular heartbeat, so stay tuned for some good tales from the emergency room. Hopefully they won't shave my nipple this time...