Top Ten (And A Half) Things Said Before Or After My Open-Heart Surgery

I had trouble today deciding what to write about. I had it down to two topics. First was the woman suing Wal-Mart for unspecified negligence because she slipped in vomit there. I have a possible reason for it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that there was vomit lying around?

I also thought of writing about the fact that Yoko Ono ate meat from the Queen of England's favorite breed of dog to protest the Queen's husband's (or Prince to make it easier) killing of a fox. Really, first she ends the Beatles and now she eats dog meat?

See the problem is that after each of those punch lines (and let's be honest, they weren't that great to begin with) I could not come up with anything else and that would have made today's post very, very short. So, even though it's only two months old, I'm reposting the top ten (and a half) things that were said either before or after my open-heart surgery for valve replacement. This is one of my favorites because I wrote it in the bathroom of a hotel in the middle of the night while on vacation. See, I like saying that I wrote things in the hotel bathroom because it makes me sound like a rock star. Seriously, try it. Ok, here's the top ten (and a half) things said either before or after my open-heart surgery for valve replacement:

11. That saw isn’t dull, is it?

10. Now, when you cut out the old valve, you’ll wake me up so I can see it, right?

9. Oh, you say you stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night?

8. Say, did you hear the one about the anesthesiologist who dated the narcoleptic?

7. When I run from now on, will I make sounds like Lee Majors in the Six Million Dollar Man or is that extra?

6. Doc, you did a great job. Let me buy you a steak. Oh, the cow is sacred to you? How about pulled pork then?

5. Does this new valve make me look fat?

4. Can I go home now? I’m starting to lap the old guys when I take my mandatory walks around the nurse’s station.

3. What do you mean you can’t find one of your surgical clamps?

2. Seriously, no one else hears that ticking sound?

And the number one thing said either before or after my open-heart surgery…

1. You’re working on my heart, so explain to me again why you have to put that tube up my…