Lunch With The Guys…For Possibly The Last Time

Ever done something you knew you were going to regret even as you were doing it? Of course you have…and so have I. With Female Coworker not at work today, all the guys figured we’d go out to lunch, eat, be slobs and talk about guy stuff like where we bought our ties and the great sale on dress pants at Kohl’s. Yeah, I’m kidding. We were going to talk about radial tires, the best type of ballpoint pens and the newly stocked sodas in our vending machines.

Well, that was until be went to the fast food joint that has served a lot of people (like billions) and has certain yellowish colored arches (you can never be too safe in the litigation happy state I live in). The guys ordered their burgers and fries and sat at the booth with their serving trays. When I sat down, I noticed that all conversation stopped. It’s funny how quickly my thoughts went from wondering if they had been telling a joke about me to noticing that they were staring at my food…or more to the point, the containers my food was in. The next thing I heard was someone say ‘Dude, is that a Happy Meal,’ followed by the kind of intense laughter that I hope would only be associated with someone reading my blog. Despite the two happy meal cartons in my hands, I fumbled for a decent excuse but all that came out was ‘uh, I got two cups here, anyone want an extra Coke,’ followed by ‘check her out.’ This was easily the worst thing I could have said because when all the guys turned around, all they saw was a 70-year old hunch backed grandmother that I obviously had failed to see. Yep, my important social standing at work was now over. In the office, my name would forever by synonymous with Kiddy Meals and not-so-hot grandma lust.

Obviously one cannot overcome a social set back like that. Defeated and disgraced, I took my place in our booth and tried to steer the course of the discussion by asking ‘can you believe what Female Coworker did on Friday.’ My course correction failed as the answer I received was ‘well, at least she doesn’t eat Happy Meals and ogle the elderly.’ Clearly, it was time to eat. I reached into my Happy Meals and noticed that I got the same toy in each. So now, not only had I disgraced myself in front of my male counterparts, but Lucy and Ethel would be upset that they both had the same toy. My mind raced with my options. My coworkers noticed this so I explained that these were Shrek Toys and would look great on my desk. Judging by the look on their faces, I clearly should have gone with option 2, which was ‘the twins love Shrek.’ Who figured that would have been the excuse that worked.

So, I did what any father who is completely controlled by his two young daughters would do. I asked the girl at the register if I could exchange one of the Shrek toys for a different one so I would not have two of the same because I had twins (while all of my ex-friends from work laughed and snickered in the background). She said, ‘yeah, but wouldn’t your kids each want to have the same toy so they wouldn’t fight over them?’ I just smiled and said ‘not my two girls.’ If I had only stopped there. I followed that by saying ‘seriously, they’re not for me.’ Have you ever gotten that yeah, sure buddy look, because that’s the one I got.

After about fifteen minutes of not-so gentle ribbing at my expense, the guys became like animals that have beaten, killed and partially eaten their prey only to become bored with it. They moved on to trying to find the restaurant’s (and I’m using that loosely) calorie breakdown. We found it and then went down the list of all the calories associated with this place’s food. Let’s just say my meal came to a premature end when I realized that everyone had focused on what I was eating and how it had the most combined calories, though I’m sure it wasn’t intentional on their part. We noticed in the corner of the eatery that a management team was reviewing their numbers and the cleanliness of the facility. They all decided to eat while we were there, so of course we paid great attention to what they were eating with our handy little calorie list. Yep, just as we had figured. It was salads all the way around. We wanted to ask them what was wrong with the burgers but for some reason I’m still not clear on, decided against it.

I got back to work and took solace in the fact that while I was completely humiliated and the story was already spreading throughout the office, at least I had done something special for my little girls. Well, that was until the twins called me at work. Just guess where Lucy and Ethel’s grandparents took them for lunch. And just guess what they got in their little kiddy meals…